Smoking in flat

[darkangelnatz]

Hi, I am seperated from the partner of my 16 month old baby. The problem is he wants to have him every other weekend. That I can cope with but he smokes in his flat. I have asked him to stop smoking in the flat due to the risk of damage caused by smoking in confined places. I havent asked him to give up but just to smoke in the garden. He doesnt smoke in front of him but I want him to not smoke in the flat at all. I read up that you are even advised to replace furniture etc when you stop smoking indoors due to the chemicals caused by smoking which stay for years after! He keeps promising he will stop but every time I go round there it is obvious he has been smoking in there. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to care enough for his son to not do this?

YDNBU

And I'm a smoker. I don't smoke indoors.

Has he got a balcony or somewhere he can smoke outside without leaving the flat? If your DS is visiting YANBU to expect XDP not to smoke indoors while he is there and for a few hours before, but the rest of the time it is up to him.

But I would want to make sure he wasn't leaving the baby alone in the flat to go out for a smoke.

YANBU. My MIL (perfect in every other way) sometimes smokes near DS and it drives me crazy

Also a smoker, I smoke only outside. It's cold

Im a smoker well at least until Monday, and when I had my kids I smoked around them all the time, they are healthy 23 and 18 year olds.

Fabby - how ignorant are you?

I think you are being a little unreasonable to suggest he can't smoke in his own flat at all, I personally think there is a lot of of hysteria around smoking and I certainly don't think that sofas etc would need replacing.

However I definitely do not think you are being unreasonable in saying he shouldn't smoke in the flat when your DC is there and really I don't think he should smoke in there on the days he is having him. If I took him there and it stunk of smoke I wouldn't leave him

I have to say my mum would agree with fabby and there are six of us!

Fabby I know someone who jumped off a bridge and was fine, so it must be safe to do that too

You can only ask but then you have to accept your ex's decision, unfortunate as that may be. Smoking isn't illegal (yet!) and he has a right to do as he pleases in his own home. It might be worth considering whether, if you know he's going to continue to smoke in his home regardless of your protestations, it's worth making a song and dance over or worth risking causing a breakdown of your presumably otherwise civil relationship between the two of you.

OTOH I smoke outside come rain or shine!

They say pollution kills you too, as does bacon, non-organic veg and various other things - Just saying

Should also say my son suffers from wheezing, allergies and there are major respiratory problems in my family.

he lives in a basement flat with garden directly outside front door

You can ask but he doesn't have to comply with your wishes. If I were you, I wouldn't phrase it as... "if he cares enough...". You'll get his back up.

Presumably, he's always smoked since he's been with you, if you ever lived together, he's smoked. If he ever made provision not to smoke around HIS (as well as your) DS then there's every reason to suppose that he will do so now.

Either way, what your owe to your DS is a chance for him to know and love both of his parents. That's it really.

Then YADNBU. Also, I reckon once he's got used to smoking outside he won't want to go back to living in an ash tray again. I'm a smoker, but I'd never smoke indoors- it's skanktastic.

When he lived with me I insisted he smoked outside. And that was through a winter so if he did it then why cant he do it now? There is also an alcohol issue that I'm not sure how to deal with.

And Im an occasional smoker myslef, but NEVER indoors no matter what the weather!

Well unless you stay outdoors, the smell follows you back in and clings anyway. It's no good being an 'outdoors' smoker criticising 'indoors' smokers, it all smells and any smoker will never realise how badly until they stop.

I don't understand why non-smokers who have respiratory problems and feel this way about smokers would ever date one, let alone have a child with one. The horse has bolted really...

OP, you're dripping... is it raining?

Am I right in thinking that your ex doesn't smoke in the flat when your son is there?

I think that is as much as anyone can ask. The notion of third-hand smoke is at best totally unproven and at worse scaremongering hogwash.

He will be exposed to far worse sitting in a traffic jam or walking down a busy street.

My child has respiratory problems not me!!!!!!!!! The research suggests that its the chemicals from the cigarettes that goes onto the furniture and flooring and stays there that causes damage its not the smell its the chemicals im worried about!

you dont drive your car indoors though do you!

no he doesnt smoke when he is there but the place stinks of it and as i said previously research shows the chemicals stay and it is them that causes the damage. I know he will come into contact with other chemicals but i dont see why he should come into contact with them when there is really no need as its no hardship to smoke in the garden is it really?

Yes, OP, your child has respiratory problems, and YOU still smoke - read up on that if you're so bothered about what your ex does... don't judge anybody else.

So you smoke too?!

YABU, he doesnt smoke around your son, it is unreasonable to ask him not to smoke at all in his home...and yes you are drip feeding.