Smoking in flat

[darkangelnatz]

Hi, I am seperated from the partner of my 16 month old baby. The problem is he wants to have him every other weekend. That I can cope with but he smokes in his flat. I have asked him to stop smoking in the flat due to the risk of damage caused by smoking in confined places. I havent asked him to give up but just to smoke in the garden. He doesnt smoke in front of him but I want him to not smoke in the flat at all. I read up that you are even advised to replace furniture etc when you stop smoking indoors due to the chemicals caused by smoking which stay for years after! He keeps promising he will stop but every time I go round there it is obvious he has been smoking in there. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to care enough for his son to not do this?

It's about avoidable risk though, surely Fabby? Smoking in the same confined space as children is an easily avoidable risk. Air pollution is not an easily avoidable risk.

Mojito, anectdotal evidence is no evidence at all. And certainly no reason to make anyone believe that selfish adults smoking in the same confined space as children are not harming those children. Even without the second-hand smoke issues, those adults are normalising smoking for those children, making them more likely to smoke themselves as adults. Increasing their risk of awful smoking-related illnesses and premature death.

I'm sure that someone will correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that if you refused anything but supervised contact on the grounds of your ex's alcohol dependency it would be down to him to take court action if he objected to your decision. If he's in the habit of letting your son down and not bothering it's always possible that he won't bother to take that action either.

Like anything OP, there is no wonder drug, you have to want to do it and it sounds like you're very stressed at the moment, so be kind to yourself for a while and do what you're doing at present, you're not smoking like a chimney are you.

Allergies are just that, my son is allergic to nuts, as long as I don't throw them down his throat he's ok. As long as you ex isn't puffing smoke in your childs face I'm sure he will survive.

GrahamTribe, I really dont know. I dont want to stop him seeing him as I think child should know his father but I also dont want to put him at risk. But I dont even know how to go about getting supervised access.

Oh lighten up featherbag [laughs as telling a featherbag to lighten up]

The research suggests that its the chemicals from the cigarettes that goes onto the furniture and flooring and stays there that causes damage its not the smell its the chemicals im worried about!

I could "suggest" plenty of things, but it wouldnt make them true, and the same goes for that "research".

And as for you OP..

TBH I wish I had never bloody started but cant do anything about that right now.

Bollocks.. if you only smoke two cigarettes a week, you are not addicted and really do not need to smoke them at all..

I'm a none smoker but think all this smoking malarky is a load of bull! If it did that much damage, there wouldn't be many 80 year olds walking around now would there. And back when they were younger is was considered 'normal' for a young child to sit in a room full of adults smoking - just like up until more recently many parents took their children out to pubs for a meal in which there were many smokers.

I'm not saying smoking directly around a child is good for them. Of course it's not ideal - the same as lots of things in life. But the way people go on, it's like they're assuming they're going to drop dead once they hit 25 because they were exposed to smoke as a child. And as for picking it up off furniture - that's just laughable!

And yes I've seen the 'research' but until someone shows me that a large number of adults who were exposed to smoke as children grow up with numerous health problems, a poorer quality of life and die considerably younger than average then it's all just complete silliness, quite simply.

OP, a poor relationship with your childs father will do considerably more emotional damage than the physical damage caused by smoking. If what you say about the respiratory / allergy problems is true then I can understand you being more concerned and would like your XP to smoke outside (what he does when his DS isn't there is nobody elses business) but I'm not convinced by that I'm afraid. Because if that was the case, your question would be - My DS has respiratory problems and XP smokes in the flat. That'd be your main concern, not just a passing mention when it looks like everyone isn't agreeing entirely.

Others here will be able to advise OP, or post in the legal section. You may also find it helpful to see if you can find a local solicitor who offers a free half hour initial consultation service and talk to the CAB about legal aid. An organisation like Gingerbread for lone parents will help too.

My grandad took snuff... didn't make me do it feather.

Everyone has just gone a bit potty about this smoking thing, almost hysterical.

Sorry, I'm a bit of a soapbox-dweller on this issue, I'm an ex-smoker (and would still love a fag if I'm honest!), and I'm an A&E nurse in an area with one of the highest % of smokers in the country. I get sick, sick, sick of seeing patients coming in blue and gasping due to COPD, having to be subjected to hideous respiratory support just to keep them alive, and then watching their kids/grandkids/great grandkids wheel them out to the ambulance bay so they can all have a fag. I think it pains me more because I'm an ex-smoker who would love to still be a smoker, but never will be again because I'm so determined that my DS won't suffer because I want to do something.

Bowing out of this thread now as I'm aware the OP was about third-hand, not second-hand smoke, and that's really not what I'm on about!

tigerlilly, I have tried very hard so far to ensure my son has a relationship with his dad, including him at x mas, birthday, swimming lessons etc. I also do all the travelling as his dad doesnt drive (15 miles each way). But I have got increasingly concerned over the past few months by his dependency to smoking and alcohol and I admit I missed the respiratory problems in my first post and I shouldnt have but that doesnt mean that it was just a passing mention. I am very confused about the whole situation right now and dont know what to do. His dad refuses to come here and see him. I could offer him access at his mums but I dont think he'll go for that either as he wants what he wants. Re allergies he is allergic to wheat, dairy, soya and peanuts so unfortunately not as simple as just cutting things out. Costing me £11 a week purely for rice milk without anything else.

Having watched FIL die last year of smoking induced lung cancer (and beware fabby, he was perfectly healthy at 47, didn't see 57) I wouldn't want them anywhere near my children, ever.

And this from an ex and occasional drunken smoker still.

thanks grahamtribe i will call CAB tomorrow

We all know that smoking is bad for us, that's not the issue.

Second hand smoking is a very grey area and I do believe people are becoming a bit hysterical about it to the point of ridiculousness.

I also believe it's peer pressure that actually makes a smoker smoke.

I understand what you are saying but surely if there is a possibility of it harming a child, whether proved or not, and it can easily be avoided by smoking outside, it is not unreasonable to ask him to do that? And re the alcohol, I dont know how to go about bringing this up without him getting defensive and things between us getting even worse?

Oh come on! No, not all people who smoke develop serious and terminal illnesses from smoking. Yes, some people do die. But you're kidding yourselves if you think that it's not a ridiculously stupid thing to do to yourself. At least own it - at least say, yeah it's a fucking stupid way to fuck my body up, but I enjoy it so you know, I've made my peace with it. Don't try and make out like it's not what it is!

There's nothing more sanctimonious than an ex-smoker, which is exactly what I am. I gave up all of four weeks ago. WOW. I have no idea how, I just did. I don't want it anymore. I want a baby so much more than I want to smoke. I'm not saying anyone else should - it's your lives. But again - come on - even when I smoked - and I really, really smoked - I knew it stank, I knew I smelt nasty, I knew my house smelt nasty...I didn't want my (future) baby to smell like that.

OP - You smoke two a week...it's barely worth the effort. You might as well just stop. It's probably like starting all over again each time - seriously, what's the point? Has it occurred to you that you might not get through to your XP because he knows you don't have a leg to stand on?

I do want to give up. I keep stopping then starting. Yes its stupid, and yes I wished Id never started. The difference between me and my ex is the amount smoked and also the fact he smokes in his flat which is what the post was based on. He knows Ive never smoked in my flat and when we lived together he didnt smoke in there either.
And well done for giving up by the way.

Ok, ordinarily I'd say you were being a bit precious, though understandably so as it is selfish for the dad to smoke around the baby when he's only there for a day. Second-hand smoke, though unpleasant for those who don't smoke, is only really a problem when someone is exposed to it on a very regular basis, and the baby's dad has as much right as you to decide on how much risk is acceptable to your son.

However, the baby's age, allergies and wheezing, puts a very different spin on it IMO. It means that the dad's smoking is not just selfish, it's reckless and intentionally exposing your child to risk, since no one can deny these days taht smoke is a known risk factor for respiratory problems. Isn't it now the case that smokers are not allowed to adopt or foster children under the age of five? (Bit OTT IMO but just pointing out that it's taken very seriously by child welfare agencies).

If you go to court over smoking, you are likely to get laughed out unless your DS's respiratory difficulties are quite severe. However, given the alcohol dependency issues as well, I'd say you have a good case for trying to establish certain conditions on contact. The fact that SS told you to go to court rather than being supportive suggests that they don't think there's much substance to your claims, so you'll have to work hard to show that you're not just trying to be obstructive. You need to get all your facts straightened out. One of the reasons you've had limited support on this thread is because people think you are drip-feeding. It's not easy to get all the facts out there at the same time without feeling like you're going into too much detail, but a good representative (either a friend or a solicitor) could help you with this. Then you could either go back to SS or possibly to court.

sunshineandbooks, thanks so much for your message, Im def not being obstructive I dont want to stop access just confused as to what for the best. Going to call CBA tomorrow to book appointment.

Incredibly selfish to smoke inside if you live with others.. and down right neglectful if there are kids there.

Smoking in a room where children are is absolutely wrong.

But this chemical residue theory I hold no truck with.

Some cheap perfumes or air freshener would probably cause more damage.

Why do some people want the entire world to be rosy fresh smelling like a pomander?

I think smoking around children is wrong. In fact, smoking around non smokers of any age is selfish, because it smells vile and lingers on the clothes of people who come into contact with it. A bit like peeing on someone rather than bothering to walk to the toilet.

My main concern would be the example he is setting, and you to an extent OP. Children learn about how to be a grown-up by watching their parents. If they see their parents smoke, even in an open doorway, they are more likely to smoke themselves when they're older.

And looking at how many 80 year olds smoke is ridiculous as a defence of the wonders of smoking. They may be alive, but most of them can't breath, have legs missing, cough all the time, have heart disease etc etc. I speak as a Dr with 20 years experience.

OP, to to your doctor and tell them you have decided you must give up for the sake of your DC and they will help you. I'm pretty sure you can get help on prescription. If you are seriously only smoking a couple a week (which I find hard to believe) then patches will certainly help you - but they helped me and I smoked a lot more than that for decades.

Google electronic cigarettes and you will find out all you need to know about vapour. I have tried a few different brands and find JAC Vapour is the best. I won't post a link in case it's against the rules here but you will find them if you google.

And looking at how many 80 year olds smoke is ridiculous as a defence of the wonders of smoking. They may be alive, but most of them can't breath, have legs missing, cough all the time, have heart disease etc etc. I speak as a Dr with 20 years experience.

Point taken but.....to be honest at 80 years old somethings going to be falling off of you in some way isn't it? (On average)