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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smoking in flat

76 replies

darkangelnatz · 23/01/2012 19:09

Hi, I am seperated from the partner of my 16 month old baby. The problem is he wants to have him every other weekend. That I can cope with but he smokes in his flat. I have asked him to stop smoking in the flat due to the risk of damage caused by smoking in confined places. I havent asked him to give up but just to smoke in the garden. He doesnt smoke in front of him but I want him to not smoke in the flat at all. I read up that you are even advised to replace furniture etc when you stop smoking indoors due to the chemicals caused by smoking which stay for years after! He keeps promising he will stop but every time I go round there it is obvious he has been smoking in there. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to care enough for his son to not do this?

OP posts:
ComposHat · 23/01/2012 19:44

No but you do inhale the exhaust fumes that are pumped out of cars.

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 23/01/2012 19:45

When we were small, my mum smoked in the car when we were in it. I wouldn't dream of doing the same. But if I am on my own in the car, and the children will not be in it that day, occasionally I have one.

We used to smoke in the house, we don't now we have the children and wouldn't again - everywhere is so much dirtier when you smoke indoors. It is a vile habit, but YABU to expect him not to smoke in his own home for the other 12 days a fortnight when your DS isn't with him.

Original poster
darkangelnatz · 23/01/2012 19:45

I SMOKE OUTSIDE AND ONLY AROUND 2 A WEEK.

OP posts:
Original poster
darkangelnatz · 23/01/2012 19:46

He on the other hand smokes about 40 a day and I am at least trying to give up.

OP posts:
ComposHat · 23/01/2012 19:49

The 'research' is inconclusive at best, not a gospel truth.

I strongly suspect that you are using this non-issue as a way of antagonise your ex partner and make access difficult when it rely doesn't need to be.

GrahamTribe · 23/01/2012 19:49

Ok, Ok, OP, there's no need to shout! We hear you!
Regardless of who does what and where you cannot make your ex comply with your demands and IMHO it's unreasonable to expect him to. How do you plan to handle it if he continues to smoke in his home? Not by shouting at him too I hope!

Original poster
darkangelnatz · 23/01/2012 19:49

I dont smoke indoors And I am trying to give up.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 23/01/2012 19:50

Yes this does sound like an access issue TBH.

Your smoking concerns would carry more weight if you were not a hypocrite smoker.

WorraLiberty · 23/01/2012 19:52

So when you smoke outside, do you replace your clothes and get your hair cut off before you cuddle your baby?

I mean think of all the chemicals?

Original poster
darkangelnatz · 23/01/2012 19:53

At the moment I have no idea. I have tried to resolve the issue but he was too busy at the weekend out drinking with his friends to sort it out with me. My baby has been in and out of hospital since he was born and I am sorry but I can not understand how any parent could continue to do this knowing how ill their own child has been when they only have to walk outside. And he was supposed to be having him sunday but he let me down, not for the first time. There are other issues than the smoking, his unreliability, letting me down at the last minute, not bothering to come to hospital when his son is there, the dependency on alcohol etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
darkangelnatz · 23/01/2012 19:55

As I keep saying I am trying very hard to give up. The problem is the above issues, and my sons allergies, are causing me so much stress at the moment that Im finding it difficult but I do only smoke a couple a week on average and I put a coat on over my clothes that goes in the wash when I come in and wash my hands.

OP posts:
MadWomanAboutTheHouse · 23/01/2012 19:56

FabbyChic..my mum smoked around me from the day I was born and I got diagnosed with asthma at 2 and a half. It was only childhood asthma but still, no one else had it in my family so I can kind of blame my mum for that.

OP, you are not BU. I wouldn't let my child in to a household where they smoke. You can't stop your XP from seeing your DC but definitely be strict about the smoking outside.

thepeoplesprincess · 23/01/2012 19:56

Oh leave it out some of you!

Of course there's going to be a difference between smoking 40 a day indoors, and 2 a week outside (and I'm willing to guess once the kid's in bed)

Original poster
darkangelnatz · 23/01/2012 19:56

just want the best for my son :(

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 23/01/2012 19:56

So this is less about the smoking and far more about your concerns over your ex's behaviour overall and your dislike of it, right?
If he has alcohol dependency issues why on this merry little earth of ours are you allowing him unsupervised access to your child at all?

Original poster
darkangelnatz · 23/01/2012 19:57

Yes when he in bed or in morning after dropping him at child minders before work

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/01/2012 19:58

Right well back on the topic of smoking

Yes he should smoke outside

But you're not making any sense if you smoke yourself and yet you're worried about the chemicals in furniture etc?

How many chemicals do you think there are on your clothes and in your hair?

And as for you only smoking '2 per week' and trying to give up...well I'm sorry but I think that's Bull.

If you don't want to admit on her how many you smoke, I hope you at least admit it to yourself.

olgaga · 23/01/2012 19:58

But OP, every time you pop out for a quick drag you'll be breathing all those chemicals all over your baby as soon as you pick him up.

I do think it's reasonable to ask him to smoke outside when he has your 16 month old, but you aren't going to be able to police it.

Of course, if you give up then his exposure to all those harmful chemicals will be minimal.

Original poster
darkangelnatz · 23/01/2012 19:59

Im not allowing him anything right now, he has demanded he has him every other weekend at his, I am trying to get help as I dont feel he should have this but social services say that they cannot get involved i need to go through the courts. He wont admit the alcohol dependency! And yes I am concerned about that too.

OP posts:
olgaga · 23/01/2012 20:00

By the way, OP, if you are smoking so little then you could get patches or google JAC vapour.

ComposHat · 23/01/2012 20:01

Stop drip feeding - I get the feeling that you are chucking all this stuff onto the thread now in an attempt to regain the moral high ground you spectacularly lost when you revealed yourself to be a smoker.

Original poster
darkangelnatz · 23/01/2012 20:02

I do only smoke a couple a week. For a start I cant afford it as his allergy foods are so expensive but also because I dont really want to be a smoking mother. I just find every now and then everything gets too much and I feel the need to have one. But I am trying to ignore this need just finding it difficult. Some weeks I may smoke more but other weeks I wont smoke at all. TBH I wish I had never bloody started but cant do anything about that right now.

OP posts:
mojitomania · 23/01/2012 20:02

My mum smoked whilst feeding me my bottle, my sister smoked whilst feeding hers. I however bowed under the smoking police and never did that but I smoke in the kitchen.

Nothing wrong with any of us.

My mum is 80. My sisters kids are in their 20's and fine. My son is 14 and fine.

Don't believe everything you read OP!

FabbyChic · 23/01/2012 20:03

My kids are older now there wasn't so much going on then about passive smoking

But, they are fine, we all are yet there are more pollutants in the air we breathe when we walk the kids to school especially if you live in a built up area yet we all don't go out with masks on or put them on our kids, or refuse to take them out.

Original poster
darkangelnatz · 23/01/2012 20:04

No offence ComposHat but I am trying to get help here I dont need someone who is criticising everything I say. I did give up when I was pregnant and I want to give up again. Olgaga can you get on prescriptions? And do the patches work because other people I know haven't had any luck with them? No idea what the vapour is?

OP posts: