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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my husband would find another woman

60 replies

therehastobemore · 22/01/2012 20:42

I know this might seem totally ridiculous but I just wish my husband (partner of 20 years) would find anotehr woman and leave me.

Im not new here, i used to be a regular but i don't want to go into anything (who the hell moved AIBU? i thought it had gone), i remember lots of stuff, moldie gate being one of them). I'm not a troll.

Things are just crap between my partner and I, they have been for a long long time and i am having difficulty facing up to it. Its mostly financial and in many ways my fault. But i have had enough, really enough now. Today i was called a worthless peice of shit, and it may well be justified but enough!

Now heres the really weird thing, i adore him, its me that is making him unhappy and furthermore, if i leave he will be even more unhappy. He loves his daughter so much (we have a six year old and i have a 21 year old form a previous relationship, we have been together since she was 18m). If i were to leave, i think he would go into financial, if not mental breakdown and i dont want to be responsible for that. I actually want him to be happy. As much as it will tear my heart out I want him to find anotehr woman, get some motivation in his life, make a success of his business and just move on and be happy. Of course, i want to keep my daughter with me.

Maybe some of it is a get out clause, i dont want to be the one who breaks up my daughters family, she adores her daddy and i know if she had the choice she would go with him every time. This is not a reflection on me but their relationship is very close and pretty much excludes me.

Im not being a martyr, I want to be happy too, i want a relationship where i feel valued and respected and not made to feel like i am useless. I am struggling to find work after a long career break and my confidence is rock bottom. Being told i am lazy and useless isnt helping especially wehn i have just potentially had my last chance career door slammed in my face.

If he were with another woman, i could get angry and finally make the break. I have nothing, no money, I dont know wheere to start, i know he wont see me destitute. He has no money either, but would give me time to sort myself out before i leave. I know we are finished, but i can't face up to the grief, this way, it would be cut and dry finished and i would have to face it.

This has come to a head as a result of a row I caused, although i dont think i am being unreasonable, I dont want to go off on a tangent disscussing it .

PS - if anyone has a fairy tale ending to this and can tell me things will be ok with my husband, feel free to interject :)

OP posts:

Original poster

therehastobemore · 22/01/2012 20:54

anyone? please i sort of signed on here in desperation

OP posts:

Nixea · 22/01/2012 20:58

I'm crap at advice but couldn't read and run. So sorry for what you're going through and hopefully someone wiser will come on and know what to say. Have a very unmumsnetty ((hug))

therantingBOM · 22/01/2012 21:01

Your 6 year old wouldn't be able to just "go with him" are you the main carer? If you are then he would have to give you maintenance, you would also get TC, housing benefit etc.

I don't see the problem to be honest? Well, I do. But I don't see the complication.

Leave, meet someone else. Show your DD that if youre in an unhappy situation you can free yourself. She can have a good relationship with both if you.

Onesunnymorningin2012 · 22/01/2012 21:02

Are you a grown woman? I'm asking that because you say that the marriage is over, but you would rather your DH make the decision to force you to go.

If you want to leave the marriage, do so. Or don't, if you don't. There's no point hanging on to a dead marriage because you don't want to take responsibility for your life.

2012blues · 22/01/2012 21:02

No fairy tale ending and dont' have much advice really except that, even if he is unhappy, it is not your fault. And he certainly shouldn't be calling you useless and lazy.

He doesn't sound very nice, excluding you from his relationship with your daughter, being insulting, making you believe everything is your fault.

If the relationship is over, it's over. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault.

imaginethat · 22/01/2012 21:07

You don't adore him, you are stuck in a co-dependent relationship. You are treating each other abysmally and your daughter will be paying for it. Don't burden her with the weight of holding the family together - for her sake especially you need to separate. She can still see you both and if you both truly love her i.e. put her needs ahead of your own, you will both be thrilled to see her flourish in conflict-free homes. If you can do this before she is 7, you have more chance at saving her sanity than if you leave it later. By 7 a lot of the damage is done.

This must sound really harsh and I don't want to be unkind, but I do think you are kidding yourself about the reality of your situation. I think your daughter needs you to be a grown up and navigate your way out of this. Not suggesting it's easy, but it will be the right thing to do.

ZZZenAgain · 22/01/2012 21:08

you adore him but you want to leave him

He is such a great man you want him to find another woman to love him but he called you a worthless piece of shit.

Maybe he is not that great and you are not that bad and it just hasn't worked out. It is sad but it happens. If it didn't work out, two people didn't do enough to make it work out and financially and so on everything got to much for the marriage. It is a real shame if you care about each other but you both have to just face it and move on and do what you can to give the six year old a nice childhood even if it cannot be an ideal one.

joanofarchitrave · 22/01/2012 21:08

I spent about two years in my first marriage hoping my dh would meet someone else. Never happened. If you really don't want to be with him, tell him so and take responsibility. But no, it probably won't be that pretty. Things change when you're not together.

Otherwise, tell him what you're not happy about.

Original poster

therehastobemore · 22/01/2012 21:08

2012, its not my fault, anymore than it is his i was trying to say that its both of our faults. For him to be so spiteful to me is not him, he was never like that before and im just saying that for him to go there, we are clearly making each other unhappy.

onesunnymorning - yes, im a grown woman but have been in a relationship with his man since i was 21, i still love him, if i thought i could make it right, id fight like a wildcat but i really think its dead.

OP posts:

Onesunnymorningin2012 · 22/01/2012 21:08

OP, I'd missed the bit about the name calling. That's awful. And excluding you from your relationship with your daughter? That's more than enough to get angry at. He sounds like an arse.

Lueji · 22/01/2012 21:10

I'm afraid I agree with imaginethat.

Either you sort it out with your husband properly, or separate.

OldMumsy · 22/01/2012 21:11

No anwers but this sounds complicated and soemthing will happen soon to kick start a resolution, nature abhores a vacuum and all that..

Original poster

therehastobemore · 22/01/2012 21:14

reading all of your replies is so so hard, because i know you are all right - im scared and heartbroken. I cannot begin to tell you how good things were between us before it all went to shit, really really good and he is a good man. I just want as ALL to be happy

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 22/01/2012 21:16

but you say the main reason everything is so crap is financial. The financial difficulties remain for both of you when you leave, don't they?

Original poster

therehastobemore · 22/01/2012 21:18

zzzzenagain, they will probably be worse, but we wiould then sell our house and he wouldnt be in debt anymore. Square one, both have nothing but he wont have debt.

I just dont know what to do

OP posts:

northcountrygirl · 22/01/2012 21:22

I'm crap at relationship advice too but just wanted to say that no human being is "a piece of shit" so do not let him have you believe this. Also re your daughter - do you think he may have engineered this exclusive relationship?

I don't like the sound of him anyway. But you sound much nicer.

Original poster

therehastobemore · 22/01/2012 21:25

i dont know northcountry, i think i may have excluded myself - he is a decent man and a good dad. Its just the pressures of the finances tht cause the arguments. He has his own business and its stressful, the stress would go away in a flash if i could get a job but i gave up my career when i had DD2 and now i cant get back into it. Trouble is, im over qualified to do anything else so i cant even get a cleaning job :(

OP posts:

imaginethat · 22/01/2012 21:26

therehastobemore - it is hard, and it is sad. Of course. Can you get to counselling of any sort? You need to talk this through properly with someone who will listen so you can vent and then start making better choices.

Splitting doesn't make you bad people, it is usually the sensible solution to a difficult situation. It allows both partners to continue growing and to parent adequately, rather than festering.

You had a good relationship, now it is time to move on. You can work towards having an amicable separation where you both have happy homes and co-parent.

I am not suggesting it's easy but seriously, what is the point in continuing in this way? Take your mind 10yrs down the track and picture where you want to be. Then you can start making plans towards that goal.

Onesunnymorningin2012 · 22/01/2012 21:27

^^ exactly.

Original poster

therehastobemore · 22/01/2012 21:30

Thats just it imaginethat i want to be with him, i want to not be in loads of debt and unable to pay the tax bill, i want to be not worrying about if we can pay the mortgage and I want us to have a life. I want to bring everything to a head so that we either work it out or go our separate ways. If i pul the plug it will always be there, what if...

If i could just get a job

OP posts:

northcountrygirl · 22/01/2012 21:30

But wasn't looking after your daughter your "job"? Surely he agreed to this? It's really unfortunate the way things have turned out wrt your career prospects but how can this be your fault? Prior to 2007 jobs (in my sector at least - and many others I'm sure) were very easy come - easy go. How is any of this your fault? Are you sure he blames you? Or is it just you that blames you (if you know what I mean)?

northcountrygirl · 22/01/2012 21:32

If it is the finances that are the main problem I would also recommend posting on MSE website. They are very good olver there at suggesting ways of overcoming financial problems.

Busyoldfool · 22/01/2012 21:33

Imaginethat suggested counselling, Relate can be helpful. If you love him and you think that there might be a way to get through this then you have nothing to lose by trying it. It helped me when I thought I was at the end of something. Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees. Good luck though - you sound so low - it must be so hard at the moment.

joanofarchitrave · 22/01/2012 21:33

I'm sure you're right about the job, but I do know so many women with incredible skills who were completely convinced they were unemployable after a few years with DC. So far I haven't come across any who haven't managed to get back into working in some form - you only need 1 chance?

I think from what you describe, I would spend longer on the employment side, given that it was so good for so long. As long as he understands that referring to you as a worthless shit is UNACCEPTABLE.

Busyoldfool · 22/01/2012 21:34

Agree with northcountrygirl too - MSE website is good.

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