To wish my husband would find another woman

[therehastobemore]

I know this might seem totally ridiculous but I just wish my husband (partner of 20 years) would find anotehr woman and leave me.

Im not new here, i used to be a regular but i don't want to go into anything (who the hell moved AIBU? i thought it had gone), i remember lots of stuff, moldie gate being one of them). I'm not a troll.

Things are just crap between my partner and I, they have been for a long long time and i am having difficulty facing up to it. Its mostly financial and in many ways my fault. But i have had enough, really enough now. Today i was called a worthless peice of shit, and it may well be justified but enough!

Now heres the really weird thing, i adore him, its me that is making him unhappy and furthermore, if i leave he will be even more unhappy. He loves his daughter so much (we have a six year old and i have a 21 year old form a previous relationship, we have been together since she was 18m). If i were to leave, i think he would go into financial, if not mental breakdown and i dont want to be responsible for that. I actually want him to be happy. As much as it will tear my heart out I want him to find anotehr woman, get some motivation in his life, make a success of his business and just move on and be happy. Of course, i want to keep my daughter with me.

Maybe some of it is a get out clause, i dont want to be the one who breaks up my daughters family, she adores her daddy and i know if she had the choice she would go with him every time. This is not a reflection on me but their relationship is very close and pretty much excludes me.

Im not being a martyr, I want to be happy too, i want a relationship where i feel valued and respected and not made to feel like i am useless. I am struggling to find work after a long career break and my confidence is rock bottom. Being told i am lazy and useless isnt helping especially wehn i have just potentially had my last chance career door slammed in my face.

If he were with another woman, i could get angry and finally make the break. I have nothing, no money, I dont know wheere to start, i know he wont see me destitute. He has no money either, but would give me time to sort myself out before i leave. I know we are finished, but i can't face up to the grief, this way, it would be cut and dry finished and i would have to face it.

This has come to a head as a result of a row I caused, although i dont think i am being unreasonable, I dont want to go off on a tangent disscussing it .

PS - if anyone has a fairy tale ending to this and can tell me things will be ok with my husband, feel free to interject :)

Yes, annie everything would change if i got a decent job and we weren't under constant financial pressure. It absolutely would. I am doing everything within my power to make that happen and lots of ladies have given me some good advice here.

Am really considering training as an accountant and wondering how long it would take.

OP, there are lots of different sorts of accountancy training you can do, at various levels. The conventional three to four years in a partnership might or might not suit you with the business etc; if not, look at the other sorts.

In the meantime, there was a series of articles in The Times and Telegraph about tutors and tutoring, if you were prepared to do that as a fill in, as friends of mine do. it does take up weekends and after school time, but it can pay very well indeed and leave you time for a more conventional job or to run the admin of the business. Happy to PM you if that would help - let me know.

spendthrift - thanks, i am not sure i have the confidence for tutoring, although am thinking about some OU tutoring. I have a voluntary project that am just starting on and hoping this comes to something, or my fellowship application comes thorugh - if not i think its time to retrain. I would be happy to do the time on accountancy training, if it was paid, i need to be earning and to be honest the business really doesnt take up much of my time so could fit that around training. Would firms really be interested in a 41 year old trainee though?

It's amazing what you can do when your life and house are up against the wall so to speak.

My cousin trained as an accountant, the hours are long, the exams are stupidly hard (she got a first at Cambridge and took four attempts to pass the exams). I'm not saying don't do it, but it is not a walk in the park, the perks re lousy and the pay actually isn't that great.

Personally I would investigate the tutoring, I really really would, I get very nervous about standing up in front of people etc but am forcing myself to get involved in teaching, meeting people at events, learning to explain my science etc and building my confidence. I hope tha it'll pay dividends when I have to go to interviews or submit job applications.

It could be a fast way to bring in some money. And let's face it that's what you need.

Do be carefull what you wish for though.Infidelity is hurtfull for everyone especially the children and i affects their outlook on relationships and there opinion of their parents.
If you are unhappy which you clearly are then do things properly for the sake of everyone including yourself.
He doesnt sound as if he deserves your concern anyway.

you make some good points there slowburner.

ledkr - to be fair, things are better between DP and i, for now - i'll probably feel like it again, but we are OK now and you are right - it is the last thing i really want. I was just hurting and wanting it to stop

I speak from experience.I was totally fed up in my 18 yr relationship/marriage.I was too scared to end it and in the end he had an affair. It hurt me and the children terribly and my ds's hardly speak to him despite me telling them we had been unhappy and it wasnt all his fault.
I moved on and am fine but the damage to the childrens relationship with their father is tainted forever.
I hope you can move through this.

Thankyou ledkr, i really appreciate your comment and you are right x

OP, sorry not to get back sooner, the answer is yes. There was an article in the London Evening standard this week about people who retrained at the age of 40+, taking the Accounting Technician (AAT)exams amongst other things, one of whom is now running her own business in effect doing other people's accounts. I think one was 50... I would try to scan it to you but it disappeared. But you might be able to find it on the web.

You won't earn very much to begin with, but fair enough. You've got the skills, academic intelligence and determination and ability. get onto the AAT website.

Keep the tutoring in the back of your mind, though. again, there's been a lot in the press about it. Rates vary between £25-£50 per hour in London.

Hey…. I know this post is from a long time ago…but could you please share what you did/what happened and any advice you have based on your experience, looking back at this?? Thank you