To wish my husband would find another woman

[therehastobemore]

I know this might seem totally ridiculous but I just wish my husband (partner of 20 years) would find anotehr woman and leave me.

Im not new here, i used to be a regular but i don't want to go into anything (who the hell moved AIBU? i thought it had gone), i remember lots of stuff, moldie gate being one of them). I'm not a troll.

Things are just crap between my partner and I, they have been for a long long time and i am having difficulty facing up to it. Its mostly financial and in many ways my fault. But i have had enough, really enough now. Today i was called a worthless peice of shit, and it may well be justified but enough!

Now heres the really weird thing, i adore him, its me that is making him unhappy and furthermore, if i leave he will be even more unhappy. He loves his daughter so much (we have a six year old and i have a 21 year old form a previous relationship, we have been together since she was 18m). If i were to leave, i think he would go into financial, if not mental breakdown and i dont want to be responsible for that. I actually want him to be happy. As much as it will tear my heart out I want him to find anotehr woman, get some motivation in his life, make a success of his business and just move on and be happy. Of course, i want to keep my daughter with me.

Maybe some of it is a get out clause, i dont want to be the one who breaks up my daughters family, she adores her daddy and i know if she had the choice she would go with him every time. This is not a reflection on me but their relationship is very close and pretty much excludes me.

Im not being a martyr, I want to be happy too, i want a relationship where i feel valued and respected and not made to feel like i am useless. I am struggling to find work after a long career break and my confidence is rock bottom. Being told i am lazy and useless isnt helping especially wehn i have just potentially had my last chance career door slammed in my face.

If he were with another woman, i could get angry and finally make the break. I have nothing, no money, I dont know wheere to start, i know he wont see me destitute. He has no money either, but would give me time to sort myself out before i leave. I know we are finished, but i can't face up to the grief, this way, it would be cut and dry finished and i would have to face it.

This has come to a head as a result of a row I caused, although i dont think i am being unreasonable, I dont want to go off on a tangent disscussing it .

PS - if anyone has a fairy tale ending to this and can tell me things will be ok with my husband, feel free to interject :)

it doesnt matter who is to blame, if i dont have a job by the end of this year, even if we do manage to keep the business afloat (he is a builder so not a given) the harsh reality is that we will not be able to pay his tax bill for next year and will lose everything anyway.

It is my fault because we have struggled constantly as a restult of me not working. I have been looking for a job now for three years and had a handful of interviews but no go. I am applying for a fellowship but it is so competitive and have been prewarned that my application isnt the strongest :(

Why don't you try relate, or a trial separation, or even try to work out what happened in the first place to cause all this unhappiness? I agree that you should not just stay together for the sake of your children, what does your older DD think? She must be old enough to see the poor quality life you are living?

I was once in a really rubbish relationship, it was going nowhere, i used to get terrible upset, and angry, and felt helpless. one day a friend turned to me and said "shut up or put up". That night I went home and told him it was over. It was a long hard road getting back on my feet, but I made it. I didn't stay in touch for his sake but he had a young child who I did stay in touch with for many years, I might add he did nothing with his life, sold our home (I got nothing) and went back to live with his mother at 35. Nuff said.

As for the way he is treating you, no one deserves that, and the love you feel, maybe think of it as worth saving or not. But we deserve to be treated with respect. What would you say to your daughters if they were in your position?

^Thats just it imaginethat i want to be with him, i want to not be in loads of debt and unable to pay the tax bill, i want to be not worrying about if we can pay the mortgage and I want us to have a life. I want to bring everything to a head so that we either work it out or go our separate ways. If i pul the plug it will always be there, what if...

If i could just get a job^

OK that's good you know what you want. Now to work towards it.

1. You need to find out what he wants
2. You need to agree on a plan to get from here to there.

It doesn't matter whether the plan is 100 per cent successful or not, what matters is that you get on the same side. You could set yourselves a goal to reassess in say 6 months or one year.

But you are not going to go forward in any sort of healthy manner if there is name-calling and probably other toxic carry on. You need to agree on a way to heal your relationship and that may mean down-sizing to reduce financial pressures.

I don't know, there are so many variables, but I do think that whatever the case you need to take the reins and do something more sensible than wish he'd have an affair.

you don't want him to find another woman so you can leave him. You want the family to be out of debt I think`and you are very hurt and upset at how this argument went today.

So if you sold the home now which would get him out of debt when you leave, this would get you out of debt now. A job may come up in time because something went wrong now on the job front and tempers are frayed due to financial worries does not mean that a job will not come up at some stage. Is it realistic for him to continue his business? Is it a viable business once the debt is settled. Maybe you cannot live a fancy life together for the time being but you could still have a decent life together.

If it is too cracked to repair, don't wait around for a woman to turn up and take your place. It might never happen. If he can run a business, he can look after himself if need be. How are you going to manage if you leave? I don't mean you can't, I mean if that is what you might be doing, give it some planning.

ah sorry crossed posts re your dh's business etc

As for a job, I am stupidly specialised now, and worry too that I am over qualified. Have you signed up to agencies? Offered to take on teaching or tutoring, volunteered (a great way to pick up skills), spoken to old collegues, applied for temp jobs with local government etc etc.

And I do not for one second believe this is 'all your fault', he is a grown man, he should put away enough to pay the tax bill. I used to work as a se contractor and knew I couldn't spend all i earnt till the tax bill came in. You gave up work to raise YOUR daughter, a joint responsibility. My DH accepts (not totally gracefully) it may be another eight years before I am earning at my full potential again, and I use dot earn a lot more than he did!

The business is going better than it has done, we are getting on top of our debts, the problem is that i do the admin for the business, i do the tax and all his invoices, he says he could do it without my input but he is a practical man and not great with words etc.

We have a far from fancy life, we have no credit cards, no over draft nothing like that - christ, i can even mend fridge freezers and dishwashers now, proper taking to bits and fitting new parst mending. We have no money and are in a debt management plan. To be honest, on the whole i am happy with that side of things being tight, worrying about money is not healthy though and that is constant.

This is the thing that frustrates me, if i got a decent job, this situation would change over night.

Again I agree with Imaginethat. As for the happy ending that you asked about at the beginning of the thread OP, I can say that although it wasn't fairytale I did get through the worst, (we separated for a while), but it's good now and we are wiser, stronger people for having done that. It can be done, ( although it doesn't mean that every relationship will work out I know). Just trying to be hopeful about a relationship with a man that you love and have every reason for staying with.

as for putting the tax away - its just impossible, we are paying double whammy tax because for the first time he had to pay it "on account" so effectively paying two years tax in one year. I think we might get a small rebate this year. It is next jan that it is VITAL that i have an income as we havent been able to put the tax away. We will try and put some away this year but the business sort of spiked this year with a lon term job that he had, hats done now and we are back to scrapping around for jobs. So i know i need to be working by next jan at the latest to cover whatever we can't save this year.

slowburner, thanks, i have tried all of those things, im just abut to start another voluntary job next week but my DH gets so cross because volunteering actually costs me money in bus fair and lunch etc :( I have to hold on to that i might might get something paid as a result of the volunteering. I apply for 5-10 jobs daily and get no response, i apply from cleaning to admin. I'm a PhD qualified scientist, believe it or not :(

OP, you're not the only one to feel like this. But I agree with Joan that finding employment is a useful start - for your confidence as well as the finances, be you together or apart.

have you thought of volunteering? and does the job centre have any advice? Even the volunteering side in school time would mean that you could put something on your cv without needing to incur chldcare costs.

Good luck and hugs

Im trying to talk to him now, all i am getting is, "oh are you crying again" and "whatever" FFS This all came about because he is doing work for his friend, who hasnt paid him and fucked off on holiday for three weeks, saying his brother will pay him. I have freaked out about it because we have to pay the mortgage this week - but this is suddenly my fault.

I just dont know what to think, i know the business is stressful but if you could feel the chill coming over the room at me just now when all i want is a cuddle and to be told it will be ok

OP - sent email too early, but was going to say that there is normally a dearth of maths and physics tutors. i don't know if there are private schools in your area, but have you contacted the national tutoring agencies?

I know where you are coming from on the financial side of things...my husband is self employed and the tax is an absolute killer this month. As for putting it aside, it really hasn't been possible since I became unemployed in August and as I was pregnant (due this week!) and have a two year old, didn't get another job, just struggling to keep going at the moment. The financial worries are a terrible strain on your relationship. I am no use at relationship advice, but if there is any way to get beyond this then try to imagine it will get better if you can just get through this horrible patch.

OP - it's really stressful. but people's language under stress does vary - some people are volcanoes, some attack when defensive, and some sulk for weeks. And money, divorce, house-moving are some of the most stressful things - do think before you move from the first to the next two, although they may indeed be the right move for DD and you.

If he told you it would be ok, would you beleive him?

what about if you both told each other that you would sort it out, even if it took ages - the "we're in it together" syndrome - (even if it is only short term and for DD)?

Does he feel you're the person he can trust you so he can let off steam at you? Or does the name calling go on too often for that?

Get yourself a cup of tea and a warm bath if you can, and a feeling that there are people here who sympathise.

God this sounds like such a horrible situation for you OP I just wish I could gather you up and give you a bit of a hug.

Him calling you a worthless piece of shit is not ok. Not acceptable. In any way at all. Has he ever spoken to you in such a derogatory way before? Have you ever called him anything like that? Now that he's calmed down, does he acknowledge that speaking to you like that is utterly out of order? I can understand people saying desperately hurtful things in the heat of the moment, but that really can't happen more than once.

There sounds like there's so much going on for you both, that I don't know where to start. Even if he's feeling shit and hopeless, you can't put up with him blaming and taking it out on you. Is there outside help you can call on; family, counselling, something? What you describe is that you are both so mired in your own pain that neither of you are able to comfort or support the other. Please don't just go on like that, or tolerate him speaking to you like that. You can change the situation, whether that's by leaving or by forcing change.

Your husband really needs to speak to a DECENT accountant as there are probably a few things you could do.

Escpecially with regard to incorporating and maximising your tax credits claim.

Oh darling I remember you. Sorry to hear that nothing has really progressed for you the last few years.

I know you are very overqualified, and you are now "stuck" doing accounting and admin, and I bet you he has no idea what it even involves.

I second the idea of speaking to an accountant.

Meanwhile, would you be keen to do an accounting course, and use your actual work experience as the office manager, accounts person of your company as work experience for your cv?

Sorry to hear you feeling this way but really if you are wishing for him to meet another woman, maybe you should really consider ending your relationship so that he is free to do so.

I'm in middle of separation from DP for many reasons, one of which is that I realised that if I was able to, I would of had an affair as I have been so miserable with DP and he with me but neither of us had the balls to end it due to fear of hurting DD (aged3) and her relationship with DP.

Life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship and DD will soon realise you are both unhappy very soon, if not already.

As a pp said above there is a huge dearth of maths and science teachers at the moment, and as I understand it you can start work and get trained on the job with some form of day release at least according to my DH you can you could be bringing in some decent money fairly swiftly that way.

Alternately who was your research funded by? Can you approach them? Your uni should provide some specialised careers guidance too. I am doing my phd at present and there are jobs out there, just few and far between.

OP - so you are an academic? Okay - are you near a university? If so contact the Head of Dept in your area directly and say you are available for lab supervision, supervising practicals etc. A lot of universities rely on p/t post-doc labour for this kind of thing and it is about £35-40 ph pay.

Next, try private schools: I believe independent schools don't have to hire people with formal qualifications and if you have a PhD you might find someone willing to take you on.

Or do what a family member did: tutor. Website, you can set up yourself - invest in some business cards and put them all around town. You are getting to the time of year when A level students will be really putting the hours in, so if you get your act together you might pick some up. Also contact the exam boards and see if you can get some examining work.

Finally, I put myself through my PhD by working behind a bar. It is shit, and tiring, and everything else, but you don't get that kind of working by 'applying' for it. You get it by walking in and talking to the manager. And you don't tell them you have a PhD, you tell them you are a SAHM looking for a few hours to make ends meet. During my PhD I moved house 3 times and was never unemployed for more than a week - people need min-wage workers still and often will employ someone more mature over a younger, seemingly flightier worker.

Good luck. If your relationship does go awry having this work will help you, so it's a win-win move.

PS - if you are contacting universities, don't (!) contact HR - most p/t teaching work is negotiated direct with HoD.

Thankyou everyone for your kindness. Northcountry I have replied to your PM, thankyou. Quint - hello :) you know, things have moved on a bit, im less negative today and am feeling a bit better. I am in the process of applying for a daphne jackson fellowship which someone one here suggested i do and i have gotten throuh to the second stage, only to be told my research area is pretty oversubscribed and this has minimised my chances somewhat. I am about to start on a volunteer project in a friends lab, which i mistakenly thought woudl would come with a salary but sadly not but its is experience at least. Have just this morning applied for a temp job working with animals so that would be lovely in the meantime.

I should be fair to my hubby, it was very much things said in anger type scenario and i do tend to over react, the thing that was the catalyst for the row is looking like it will be sorted out.

Quint, i said to my hubby the other day after sorting out the mess that is his tax return that id quite like to train to be an accountant but dont really know where to start - in all honesty, im going to give science one last shot and if there is nothing soon i am changing career.

I just want to contribute, its sooo frustrating and hte pressure really is all on DP there is little wonder he explodes sometimes, i would never cope.

We talked last night and have made it up, i need to try and keep a lid on my temper because he only ever says terrible things to me once i have gone ballistic at hime.

Revolting peasant, point taken about the pitch up and ask type jobs, i will give that a go x

so, you want the relationship to split up but want him to take the lead so that you look like the good guy and daughter doesnt blame you?

you are happy to live with him through the good times but dont want the debt

you are jealous of the relationship your daughter has with her father

and if you get a job everthing will magically be perfect again This is the thing that frustrates me, if i got a decent job, this situation would change over night.

i think you both need to take a long hard look at yourselves