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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a bit off and should I try to help ?

89 replies

OhdearNigel · 22/01/2012 18:36

NDN leaves her two children (about 22 months and 8 months respectively) locked in their bedrooms to scream for an hour every day so she can have some time to herself. She thinks it makes them independant and realise that Mummy is not there all the time - I have heard it every night for nearly 2 years so clearly this is not working and it's very distressing to listen to them both crying. The eldest gets so hysterical calling for Mummy that you can hear that awful gasping breathing that they do when they are really upset.

AIBU to think that (a) this is not normal behaviour (b) is this something that my other neighbour (my friend, her DD is 2.5) and I should try and help with ? We both have very different opinions on the topic to NDN and my neighbour has tried giving her some advice which has fallen on deaf ears. We thought about inviting her over for coffee and play at my house but not really sure whether we really want to get involved.

I think going to her HV would be overreacting but then could this be a sign of PND and it might help ? Her DS has cerebral palsy so things have been very difficult for her.

I feel as if I should not just sit by but I don't know how to approach things

OP posts:
RagamuffinAndFidget · 22/01/2012 18:58

saturdayescape You think it's OK to leave small children/babies to cry for over an hour, hysterically, so they are 'gasping for breath' because the mother needs a break? Utter bollocks.

Original poster
OhdearNigel · 22/01/2012 18:59

Would contacting the health visiting team be a better option ? I know how to deal with criminal matters of child neglect in a work capacity but don't know what to do for the best; I know I should do something

OP posts:
MirandaGoshawk · 22/01/2012 18:59

Don't ignore it. DH & I are beating ourselves up about ignoring a neighbour's child abuse issue until the child actually knocked on our door & asked for our help! We both wish we hadn't turned a blind eye for so long.

Clearly these two dch are crying out for help in the only way they can. You have the right attitude in that you want help for the mother so that she can cope better. Best of luck - but don't ignore it.

xx

threeisthemagicnumber · 22/01/2012 18:59

Sorry I'm a bit confused. If her eldest is only 22 months or so - has she been leaving them to cry for an hour every day since birth????

If so, I am also amazed you waited this long and you should call someone now.

saturdayescape · 22/01/2012 19:00

I don't think its ok. Shock Yes OP contact the HV, she may not be coping or prehaps she is is selfish or mis-guided.

coccyx · 22/01/2012 19:02

???? how can you say she is not actually harming them???

Original poster
OhdearNigel · 22/01/2012 19:02

Three, I have heard it endlessly and brought it up with DH so many times but at that point I just thought "they are doing CC and it's not your business". Like I said previously I only discovered yesterday that it is actually deliberate.

There has always been lots and lots of crying from their house. I've always just assumed that maybe I was just lucky and that other babies do cry a lot and theirs was one of them. Also I've been at home more in the early evening lately and have been noticing it a lot more than previously.

OP posts:
mrspnut · 22/01/2012 19:03

She is emotionally neglecting them and locking children of that age in their rooms for up to an hour is dangerous.
I agree that SS should be informed and then if support is needed they will be in a position to signpost her to it.

RagamuffinAndFidget · 22/01/2012 19:04

If the HV investigates and thinks that there is a Child Protection issue they will have to contact Social Services. Why can the OP not take out the middle man and just contact them herself?

threeisthemagicnumber · 22/01/2012 19:04

That makes a bit more sense ohdear.

I don't think you and your other neighbour getting involved will help but I think you should call the HV team and report this to someone who can help - she's obviously not coping. .

Original poster
OhdearNigel · 22/01/2012 19:05

Saturday - I have had lots of previous dealings with SS in my work capacity and I have no doubt that if this is an overreaction they will simply file the report and say thanks very much.

SS are not the childcatcher

OP posts:
kotuku · 22/01/2012 19:05

Could you or your DH have a subtle word with her husband? Maybe he is not aware of it going on. As a teacher surely he would not find it acceptable?

madhairday · 22/01/2012 19:05

I do think you need to contact ss/hv.

That is so very sad :( It is nothing like CC. Poor babies

spiderlight · 22/01/2012 19:08

Poor little loves :( Some kind of intervention is definitely needed.

NinkyNonker · 22/01/2012 19:09

I disagree whole heartedly with CIO too Saturdayescape. Same thing in my book.

OriginalJamie · 22/01/2012 19:09

Wish you hadn't mentioned CC. OP. This is not CC.
Am a bit shocked that you could have mistaken it for CC

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 22/01/2012 19:10

Could you tell the HV (It shouldn't be too hard to work out who's her HV, she probably has same HV as you)? This is really distressing to read, I feel very sorry for the babies.

I can't comprehend how anyone, mother or not, could listen to the sound of her children sobbing and screaming while she has her "own time". I like chill out once my DC are in bed. Wouldn't be very relaxing if they were both screaming.

blueemerald · 22/01/2012 19:11

Am I right in understanding that she leaves them to cry for a while (an hour or more) and then goes in to see/get them during the day or does this happen at night and they cry themselves to sleep?

If this is happening during the day perhaps you/your neighbour could explain to her that all she is teaching her children is that is you cry for long enough (an hour or more if need be) then Mum will come back. That's how these little children will join the dots in their heads; that's why they're still crying 2 years later, because they have "learnt" that it brings mum back, they don't get that Mum has a time limit etc. If she doesn't act upon this information I would also ring social services.

Original poster
OhdearNigel · 22/01/2012 19:15

"Am a bit shocked that you could have mistaken it for CC"

I wasn't listening out for it every night when I thought they might be doing CC, I was hearing it in bursts as I went round the house. I don't know how long she has been leaving them shut in the room to cry for

OP posts:
MeltedChocolate · 22/01/2012 19:16

coccyx - I meant physically harming. I agree it is harmful in other ways. Very harmful :( but what I meant was, what could the SS do about it except tell her to stop?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 22/01/2012 19:17

I wouldn't go through the HV, some of them are OK a few are great (all of them on MN I'm sure Grin) but the vast majority are a waste of space.

I'd call SS tomorrow morning.

Original poster
OhdearNigel · 22/01/2012 19:17

Blue, I'm not sure what happens at sleeptime. I know that at about 7pm their eldest is screaming all the time while I am putting DD to bed and often is still screaming when DD is asleep, this usually take about 40 minutes.

Then there is a suddenly complete silence so I guess that would correlate with her letting her out ?

They don't have any routine at all, no set bedtime or anything. Sometimes the girl is still up at 9-10pm.

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 22/01/2012 19:19

OK, sorry. Didn't mean to sound arsey

MeltedChocolate · 22/01/2012 19:19

So at that time wont her husband be back? So he must know?

Original poster
OhdearNigel · 22/01/2012 19:19

I have emailed my CPT friend to ask for his advice on what I should do and will get a reply in the morning - he's helped before when I had a concern for a child on a house over the back of us

OP posts: