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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry about which class I belong to?

58 replies

StickyFloor · 22/01/2012 17:13

I am feeling really uncomfortable in my own skin class-wise or maybe I mean status-wise and I don't know why I even care - does anyone else feel like this?

I grew up in a fairly posh environment, private school, sheltered circle of friends etc and going to Uni was a shock tbh. Then I worked my way up through a big company where we were all from similar backgrounds and I was again quite sheltered. DH comes from a middle class background and is a bit of an inverted snob, but never been a big thing at all. He worked up in the Council so well-paid but not mixing with posh people and was very happy.

Circumstances have changed and I abandoned working completely when I had the kids. They go to the local school where NOT ONE other parent in the class of 30 went to Uni and i can only think over half a dozen who have ever worked at all. Initially i felt so out of place but am happy to have made some lovely friends and although they tease me about being posh etc again nobody really cares and nor did I. This is my life now and all was well.

But 3 months ago dh took a new job in a very different company where he is virtually the only person not from Oxbridge. He could not care less, and clearly nor does anyone else but I think he finds it quite funny and sort of plays up to it, as though he came from a home with an outside loo and coal for tea. Last night I went with him to a works do and I felt really uncomfortable. I felt out of place. I hated dh acting up to be as un-posh as possible and I didn't know how to behave. I felt like evryone was looking down on me, or at least saw me the same as they see him - and it really bothered me. I felt like I wanted to say I used to be one of you actually (I didn't).

I think i am coming across like a total loon or at least an awful snob. I don't know why this upset me so much.

Any thoughts, or do I need to give myself a stiff talking to?

OP posts:

Nixea · 22/01/2012 17:17

Slightly coming across like a loon and a lot bit snobby, although at least you're aware of it. If you're happy with nice friends and your husband is, presumably, not having difficulties at work because of it then surely it doesn't really matter? Just be happy with who you are now without getting hung up on "class".

Kayano · 22/01/2012 17:18

I just can't get how anyone would worry about class

Salmotrutta · 22/01/2012 17:19

"Class" doesn't really exist.

It's a false separation of people based on wealth/position/background.

We all have the same origins - but some people have clawed their way up the greasy pole. Doesn't make them better than anyone else.

Original poster

StickyFloor · 22/01/2012 17:19

I just felt so uncomfortable amongst people who I used to think I once was part of.

Maybe I should be pleased not to be "one of them" if that's how they make people feel?

OP posts:

Kayano · 22/01/2012 17:22

Watch titanic lol

FeelingsorryforSnape · 22/01/2012 17:22

If I'm way off the mark ignore this, but it seems like you have a lack of confidence and worry how people might perceive you. You sound slightly snobby when you say 'They go to the local school where NOT ONE other parent in the class of 30 went to Uni and i can only think over half a dozen who have ever worked at all.' but you don't sound like a complete arse.

OriginalJamie · 22/01/2012 17:24

I wonder if this about status as much as it is about class. Are you very happy being a SAHM, or do you feel a bit adrift? Why did you you feel out of place at his works do? - I used to feel out of place at my DHs works do's because a part of me felt a bit of a failure and a bit boring for not having a status "job", and because some people I met seemed to be thinking that too.

Regarding your DH - it must be a bit uncomfortable to see him not being true to himself. Do you think he'll cut it out a bit once he's settled in?

FWIW I have always had a leetle chip on my shoulder - working class parents, Oxbridge, Essex accent, SAHM for years. People used to look down on me a bit, then some would be funny with me when they found out about my education. Now I am nearly 100% secure about myself and what I'm doing, so things don't bother me at all.

Deflatedballoonbelly · 22/01/2012 17:25

Crikey!

belgo · 22/01/2012 17:26

'They go to the local school where NOT ONE other parent in the class of 30 went to Uni and i can only think over half a dozen who have ever worked at all.'

How do you know that? I wouldn't have a clue.

Original poster

StickyFloor · 22/01/2012 17:27

ha ha ha yes, I think "complete arse" probably covers this wobble of confidence quite well.

I think more of my self-esteem was wrapped up in my job than I ever admitted. I hate people who are defined by whatever job they do and think it makes them a superior person but it is just dawning on me that is exactly how I have been, and I am struggling with just being a mum now.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 22/01/2012 17:27

I always feel like a fish out of water when I go to DH's work do's - not because of class but because I don't really know how to 'be' when I'm being Wife of Mr Husband, rather than being 'me' on my own terms.

I am going to be kind and suggest that it was that which was making you uneasy, rather than a wish to abandon your clogs and go and do the Charleston with the bright young things...

OriginalJamie · 22/01/2012 17:28

I think when you can make peace with your choices and yourself you can "sell" them to anyone, or choose not to care what they might think

Original poster

StickyFloor · 22/01/2012 17:29

Thanks for your kindness WF. I really do hate being "the wife".

OP posts:

Nixea · 22/01/2012 17:32

It's a massive adjustment becoming a SAHP but aside from that, could that fact that your husband's new job is with people who you'd have once considered peers be having an effect? Either way, sounds like a lack of self-esteem rather than "snootiness" on your part. Sorry you're feeling like this though.

ClothesOfSand · 22/01/2012 17:35

I think you're very honest with yourself about how you feel; a lot of people can't manage that.

I think there are maybe three issues, your relationship with DH, your feeling maybe that you've lost your identity a little, and the kind of school your children are at.

I'd be most worried about the school. It doesn't sound as if it has a social mix. That makes it as sheltered as your education, but at the other extreme.

I don't understand the posh thing; how can they not recognise you as posh? I thought things were like that were obvious to people like that.

Original poster

StickyFloor · 22/01/2012 17:40

Hmm you are right about the school, it is a real worry for me too and I am also struggling with presenting the right attitude to the children. I suppose we expect them to get degrees and then forge careers for themselves and that is how we talk about education and working when they are adults. Occasionally I have heard them say things to their friends and friends' parents which make me cringe because it is so out of place in their school environment. Moving them is not really an option though unfortunately.

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 22/01/2012 17:43

Yes, people can normally spot their own in that kind of respect.

Surely you just be yourself?

diddl · 22/01/2012 17:49

All else aside, if your husband isn´t being himself with the people he works with, then I´m not surprised that you didn´t know how to be with them tbh.

giveitago · 22/01/2012 17:49

I don't think you come across as a snob at all. Is it less about class and more about the fact that now you're a stay at home mum you don't feel you can present yourself as a person in your own right who has had a fulfilled life?

I sometimes feel I'm judged by my marriage and not by me.

Original poster

StickyFloor · 22/01/2012 17:49

I see what you mean about people spotting their own.

Right now I don't really care so much what impression these people took away of me, I doubt they are sat at home musing over my class origins etc! and I am not so much of a loon as to care now about them if they are.

It is just that for the whole almost 3 agonising hours I was so incredibly uncomfortable and wanted to impress I suppose, and I wish I hadn't felt like that. It shouldn't matter one jot how people who are effectively strangers perceive me, particularly as they all think dh is wonderful, so all I had to do was support him and not fall over or do anything embarassing.

OP posts:

OriginalJamie · 22/01/2012 17:57

Would you have been comfortable in this sort of situation when you had a job?

Personally, I've always found small-talk with strangers excruciating

OriginalJamie · 22/01/2012 17:59

... and it's worse when your life has become very much about your childre, and you fear talking about your children will bore people.

That's how I felt, anyway

Original poster

StickyFloor · 22/01/2012 18:07

Maybe this does all boil down to being a SAHM now. I also have always hated smalltalk and have never enjoyed these things BUT I would have felt very confident when I was working - very able to hold my head up and feel like I was worth talking to. I guess I just don't feel like that now except when i am with the other mums from school.

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 22/01/2012 18:14

I am pretty sure going to university does not make you "posh" so you don;t need to worry about that. You are certainly not upper class

You say your DH is "middle class". You are too so I am unsure why you worry people will think you are the same as him. It's an odd thing to worry and you are the same class as him.

I am a bit confused..?

Rhubarbgarden · 22/01/2012 18:17

I don't think you're a snob either. I think you're pretty self aware and just suffering a bit of a crisis of confidence. I would also find it troubling if my children were at a school where none of their peers were aspiring to further education. Perhaps you could broaden your horizons a bit? Find some clubs/hobbies etc where you can mix with a wider cross section of people in a situation where your common bond is not what you do, as such, but more in what interests you?

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