to worry about which class I belong to?

[StickyFloor]

I am feeling really uncomfortable in my own skin class-wise or maybe I mean status-wise and I don't know why I even care - does anyone else feel like this?

I grew up in a fairly posh environment, private school, sheltered circle of friends etc and going to Uni was a shock tbh. Then I worked my way up through a big company where we were all from similar backgrounds and I was again quite sheltered. DH comes from a middle class background and is a bit of an inverted snob, but never been a big thing at all. He worked up in the Council so well-paid but not mixing with posh people and was very happy.

Circumstances have changed and I abandoned working completely when I had the kids. They go to the local school where NOT ONE other parent in the class of 30 went to Uni and i can only think over half a dozen who have ever worked at all. Initially i felt so out of place but am happy to have made some lovely friends and although they tease me about being posh etc again nobody really cares and nor did I. This is my life now and all was well.

But 3 months ago dh took a new job in a very different company where he is virtually the only person not from Oxbridge. He could not care less, and clearly nor does anyone else but I think he finds it quite funny and sort of plays up to it, as though he came from a home with an outside loo and coal for tea. Last night I went with him to a works do and I felt really uncomfortable. I felt out of place. I hated dh acting up to be as un-posh as possible and I didn't know how to behave. I felt like evryone was looking down on me, or at least saw me the same as they see him - and it really bothered me. I felt like I wanted to say I used to be one of you actually (I didn't).

I think i am coming across like a total loon or at least an awful snob. I don't know why this upset me so much.

Any thoughts, or do I need to give myself a stiff talking to?

I think it's a red herring to say that it's "not snobbishness, it's insecurity". IME, all snobbery and inverted snobbery stems from insecurity.

I have no idea what class I am now. I was definitely raised upper middle, but DH and I have been extremely poor. We are now enjoying a nice lifestyle, but we've learned to be frugal and go without a lot of things other would expect us to have. Not because we can't afford them, but because we didn't miss them!

I home educate the DDs, so it's extremely busy during the week, but hard to explain to other "SAHMs" because I suppose I don't work! And I'm paranoid about boring on about my kids, because that is my life at the moment. I don't have time to volunteer or broaden my horizons because my time is taken up with them even though they are older. I do sometimes attend legal charity things because that's where my qualifications etc. lie and I like to help out where I can, but the confusion on people's faces when they try and work out what on earth I 'am' is amusing. It doesn't make me uncomfortable because I'm really happy with my decisions. I think when other people's perceptions matter enough to be bothering you days later, perhaps you aren't as comfortable with your choices as you imagine.

The bit I don't get though - my mother - farming gentry and all that - never says anything snooty or unkind about anybody and has a coffee with her hairdresser and has been to hers for dinner. My MIL whose parents were in service and went to teacher training college constantly laughs at people she thinks are beneath her and refers to her hairdresser as the sort who goes to the costa brava. .

The bit I don't get though - my mother - farming gentry and all that - never says anything snooty or unkind about anybody and has a coffee with her hairdresser and has been to hers for dinner. My MIL whose parents were in service and went to teacher training college constantly laughs at people she thinks are beneath her and refers to her hairdresser as the sort who goes to the costa brava

But, marriedinwhite - isn't it obvious? Your mother can afford to be friendly with anyone of any class precisely because she is so socially secure - she's top drawer, so has no social anxieties. Whatever she does is fine because of who she is - she doesn't have to notice class (as lesley33 said, like white people not noticing racism). Whereas your MIL, who moved between classes (and probably got a hard time at teacher-training college from people whose parents weren't servants) is socially insecure and worries about class markers like where her hairdresser goes on holiday etc for that reason. It's not an attractive quality, I agree, but it's hardly mysterious why one of them doesn't notice class markers and the other is obsessed with them.

Years ago I went for a very muddy winter walk with my mother and a middle-class friend of mine of around my mother's age, and they both needed to call at a grocery store on the way home. When we got there, my mother made a hugely unconvincing excuse about suddenly not needing milk or whatever anymore, so my posh friend went in alone, mud to the knees, and in shabby old clothes, completely unconcerned. My mother, on the other hand, wouldn't go into a corner shop with muddy shoes and trousers, because she was afraid people would think she was a 'dirty traveller'/gypsy, because she was so poor as a child that her family were thought of as the local scum, and she's never got beyond being afraid it will happen again.

Exactly what hard cheese said.

My mother (very working class) worries FAR too much about what people think. "I can't believe you've gone out wearing unmatching socks" is a favourite, even when no one can see my socks.

I am also working class, but live a much more middle class lifestyle and feel more secure than she does. However, I still feel a bit iffy in restaurants and stuff like that.

No doubt if I had kids, they'd feel more secure still.

Thought this was quite relevant, and still funny:

Sorry OP but you ARE coming across as a total loon - i judge people all the time, i judge people on how they behave, on how they talk, on what they wear and what they say to me. I judge people on bad spelling and grammar and its not a good thing because look at mine, its terrible!

But i never ever judge based on what people have or if they went to private school or not. Couldn't give a stuff and coudlnt give a stuff for anyone who does care either.

My husband is a builder, we don't have much money, i dress live a chav, i come from a working class background so people assume im not very bright. Thats their choice, me, i coudnt give a stuff!

Perhaps I should stop thinking of my MIL as unpleasant then. Still can't forgive her for saying it was a shame I couldn't perform when I had my third miscarriage. I know quite a lot of people from challenging backgrounds who don't laugh at others though.