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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel that it is one rule when in my home but another when in hers?

51 replies

SoAppreciated · 20/01/2012 17:44

I have namechanged just incase!

We have friends who come to stay with their kids a few times a year, just for a night or two. We make dinner, dessert, treats, lots of wine, beer etc. Everyone is very welcome to eat as much as they wish and friends often say 'a bit more on my plate' or 'anyone for a top up' so i assume they feel happy enough when here.
In the morning everyone is welcome to help themselves to tea/coffee, cereal, toast etc until I am organised then I make a cooked breakfast (either fry up, french toast or pancakes normaly). Friend and her dh and kids will help themselves and ask what are you planning to make for brunch.

However when we go there dinner is put on the table with an announcement of how many pieces there are for each person (ie. there are two slice of pizza each) and if there is any 'spare' her own family are offered this first. We are asked to pick up the booze on our way there 'to save them the trip to collect it'. We always take along treats and some wine, beer anyway. When it is time for breakfast kids are offered toast and honey (my dc's don't like honey) and although friend knows this the answer is 'you will be hungry on the drive home then'.

I know this sounds petty but it's starting to annoy me.

Last week she invited me over and asked me to help decorate her bedroom. I happily helped, took biscuits for coffee and a pint of milk (as requested). I was there from 8am to 4pm and offered a cup of coffee and a biscuit. I was starving! However when friend popped in here a few days later she had cake and coffee... then asked 'are we having lunch here before we head out for a walk'.

AIBU or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 20/01/2012 17:46

You are being taken for a ride.

I'd stop the invites to be honest but I'm mean like that - well unless she has many redeeming qualities.

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2012 17:47

Um...

I think you know the answer, don't you?

They're having a laugh.

ObiWan · 20/01/2012 17:47

Do they not have much money, maybe?

PaschaAndChips · 20/01/2012 17:47

I would have downed tools around 12.30 and asked what we were doing about lunch. Perhaps you should do the next meal the same way they do and see the response.

zookeeper · 20/01/2012 17:48

that would annoy me to - especially asking you to collect the booze so they don't have to pay for it

scarlettsmummy2 · 20/01/2012 17:50

i would invite them but treat them exactly the same as they treat you. Ask them to stop and pick up booze and don't go to any effort. I am sure they will take the hint!

MrsTwinks · 20/01/2012 17:50

I don't think YABU

I'm very much a feed em up person, and i know alot of people who aren't. But quite honestly it sounds a bit off to me. Ok if you needed things (people often bring milk here as we dont have it in tea etc) but sounds like you are always taking a chunk of your own meal.

Oh and not feeding someone when they help you with DIY is a carninal sin in my book. Last time someone helped me paint I wouldnt let them leave until I'd fed them

PreviouslyonLost · 20/01/2012 17:57

You have Urine Extracting friends...learn to say fuck off NO fairly quickly, it IS a complete sentence after all Grin

YANBU.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/01/2012 17:59

Cheeky feckers! I would have long-since ditched them!

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2012 18:00

Are they skint? I can see this being a problem. If they can't afford booze and nice food, what can they do at yours? Refuse? Would that be rude too?

JustHecate · 20/01/2012 18:02

If it isn't the case that they are broke, then I suggest telling them how you feel. Tell them that you feel taken advantage of. Tell them that what appears to be selfishness or thoughtlessness in their home when they are perfectly happy to take everything you have to offer is affecting how you feel about them.

If you can't sit down with a friend and speak honestly, then they're not really a friend. And if they're not a friend, it's no great loss if they stop speaking to you.

suburbophobe · 20/01/2012 18:03

I had this. A friend was stressing about a boyfriend moving in and having to clean the whole house. So I said I would come over and help. Fun and have a laugh in doing it together and all that....

So there I am cleaning her shelves and she announces she is popping out to get the shopping Shock

She made me feel like an unpaid cleaner....

I stopped as soon as she was out the door and needless to say I soon after her return. Didn't put any more energy into the friendship either.

Like they say, you give 'm a hand and they take your arm...

Yes, I think your friend is walking all over you. But only you can put a stop to it.

youarekidding · 20/01/2012 18:03

previouslyonLost knows what she's talking about makes sense. Grin

They are taking the piss.

I have a friend who encourages DC's to watch films, play outside, only lets them have 1 toy when we visit there - but always has loads of food! I often have limited food (budget) but let the DC's do what they want (within reason) and she is crap at enforcing the tidying up.

My point is the rules are different but they are as such that both places have an advantage.

Your situation is always one sided and not on your side at all.

YANBU

QuintessentiallyShallow · 20/01/2012 18:03

Why dont you try to do exactly the same when SHE visits?

Lower your standards and do as SHE does. Then see what happens.

And next time she asks for food you can say something like "oh, if you wanted lunch here, you should have brought some!"

saturdayescape · 20/01/2012 18:07

Sadly some people are users and the move generous you are the more they take. Sad I would talk to them about it if you want to keep the friendship otherwise ditch.

TooEasilyTempted · 20/01/2012 18:07

Stop being such a mug and treat them exactly as they treat you.

suburbophobe · 20/01/2012 18:08

Oh, and it wasn't shopping for lunch but dinner for her and the new man by the way!

SoAppreciated · 20/01/2012 18:12

Thanks, starting to feel like I was being the odd one.

They are not poor or skint. I honestly think they are simply cheap.

I think next time I will try to be a little less like my usual self but it is hard, I think my own DC's would be a bit Hmm if that happened in their own home too. DH says next time we will announce we have plans the following day and go out for breakfast instead!

I know I am a generous person by nature, and It is a fault at times but I also know I would rather be me than feeling cheap.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 20/01/2012 18:17

Even if they were hard up it is no excuse for being rude.

I would start copying what they do - when they visit, stop laying on big meals and cakes etc. Maybe they will get the hint

SoAppreciated · 20/01/2012 18:20

Fingers crossed Fuzzpig. I think Saturdayescape has it right and it has became expected :(

OP posts:
saturdayescape · 20/01/2012 18:27

Prehaps posters suggestions to alter how you treat them at your house is a good one, they will either accept it, get in a huff or not notice thick skinned. Wink

onelittlefish · 20/01/2012 18:31

She is taking the piss. Maybe she is just naturally a mean host and does not realise what she is doing but you definitely need to do something either by not being as generous yourselves or dropping a few heavyhanded hints (this is if you don't care about falling out or not).

LordOfTheFlies · 20/01/2012 18:38

This sort of thing was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
Whenever my DCs have friends round, I'll give them tea- usually pizza, chicken nuggets or fish fingers and chips, a drink and some pudding.

My DS went to a friends party.I didn't give him dinner before he went, I assumed there would be food there. (It was at the house, not a party at a venue).

He came back starving He'd been given nothing to eat. Shock. I mean FFS if you do a party, you do food, even if it's crisps and stuff (TBH he'd have loved that)

That was the last in a long line of niggles. It was my ' Forget You' moment (to quote CeeLo Green.

PreviouslyonLost · 20/01/2012 18:39

youarekidding Too true Sad ...and they're still, in a milder version, at it (Christmas Eve AGAIN, also, day 10 dressing gown and 'I'm REALLY' not well, still didn't stop a VISIT ) ...can only pray hope that SoAppreciated puts a stop to it NOW.

No HINTS...just a straight feck off will do, and these people are friends? ...We don't even have that excuse, tho' DH has recently been defending Mr UEN, (shared roof ladder after recent gales, but still...)

Watching thread with UEF thread on HIGH alert.

Oh, and you're NOT BU Smile

TheSkiingGardener · 20/01/2012 18:42

I agree with everyone. Do the same thing when they come to yours and watch the cats bum mouth get deeper and deeper.