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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that it is one rule when in my home but another when in hers?

51 replies

SoAppreciated · 20/01/2012 17:44

I have namechanged just incase!

We have friends who come to stay with their kids a few times a year, just for a night or two. We make dinner, dessert, treats, lots of wine, beer etc. Everyone is very welcome to eat as much as they wish and friends often say 'a bit more on my plate' or 'anyone for a top up' so i assume they feel happy enough when here.
In the morning everyone is welcome to help themselves to tea/coffee, cereal, toast etc until I am organised then I make a cooked breakfast (either fry up, french toast or pancakes normaly). Friend and her dh and kids will help themselves and ask what are you planning to make for brunch.

However when we go there dinner is put on the table with an announcement of how many pieces there are for each person (ie. there are two slice of pizza each) and if there is any 'spare' her own family are offered this first. We are asked to pick up the booze on our way there 'to save them the trip to collect it'. We always take along treats and some wine, beer anyway. When it is time for breakfast kids are offered toast and honey (my dc's don't like honey) and although friend knows this the answer is 'you will be hungry on the drive home then'.

I know this sounds petty but it's starting to annoy me.

Last week she invited me over and asked me to help decorate her bedroom. I happily helped, took biscuits for coffee and a pint of milk (as requested). I was there from 8am to 4pm and offered a cup of coffee and a biscuit. I was starving! However when friend popped in here a few days later she had cake and coffee... then asked 'are we having lunch here before we head out for a walk'.

AIBU or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 20/01/2012 18:48

YANBU, they are taking the pis! Reciprocate the food they offer and see what happens! Don't take them out for breakfast as they will make you pay! Offer them toast only. People like this annoy me .... They use people for what they can get.

kerala · 20/01/2012 18:58

We had this recently. A family came to stay I made a lovely lunch and dinner which they obviously enjoyed. Fast forward a few months we went to theirs for the weekend had driven 4 hours she gave the children (a really crap) tea i.e. really cheap Iceland type party food thats fatty and soggy and you just bung in the oven. The adults picked at the leftovers then we put the boys to bed and sat chatting. It got to 9pm and no move was made by either host to do anything about food then we all went to bed not having been given any dinner. It was a Saturday night too. I was Shock especially as money is not an issue for them and I know she is a great cook.

FaithHopeAndKevin · 20/01/2012 19:03

Sounds like my SIL... in 9 years I've had 1 cup of tea at her house. She's had numerous meals for all her family out of me. She'll come round at 9 am and announce they will go home for tea - the subtext being "we are having lunch here" Hmm

Could you do the counting food out without feeling awful?

mumofthreekids · 20/01/2012 19:07

You def need to make some changes here. As a minimum, ask them to bring the booze next time and forget about the cooked breakfast. If you take your DH's suggestion of going out for brunch they may expect you to pay! Can you think of anything their kids don't like?!

PreviouslyonLost · 20/01/2012 19:08

Watching thread with UEF thread on HIGH alert

UEF detector obvs, too busy trying to ensure DCs ate some protein and veg at the same time to maintain ultra MN pedant standards...

Def con 5 here Grin

storminabuttercup · 20/01/2012 19:11

I find I cook for our friends a lot, they bring booze, usually half of what will get drunk. I never say 'bring booze' but as I'm always the one to cook here ( we have ds, most friends dontbhave kids so it saves babysitting issues) they usually do. One friend has recently really taken the piss where my hospitality is concerned so I haven't invited her for a while.

Could you try that maybe?

diabolo · 20/01/2012 19:22

Amazed that they offer the 2nd portions to themselves instead of their guests! What awful people they sound.

IloveJudgeJudy · 20/01/2012 19:29

FaithHope, it sounds like we have the same SIL! Both sets of DC are the same ages and they often used to come and have dinner around here after we'd all been out for the day. Also, picnics would be shared - ours would be lovely stuff and theirs would be whatever she had picked up from Tesco on the way over. I would have flasks of soup if it was a bit breezy, always shared with their DC, but they only had horrible apples or a bit of sausage roll to share.

We also have never been to their house for a proper sit-down dinner. We've had picky bits around Christmas a couple of times and that really is it. They've been to ours a few times. the last straw was when her husband sat out in the conservatory reading a book Angry while everyone else was in living-room chatting, playing games, etc.

Her DC often stayed overnight as we live quite near. Our DC begged to stay the night at hers (to me). She only let them once, but they wouldn't go again, anyway. They had hardly any dinner, the beds smelt and their clothes all got muddled up and dumped on the floor.

We're friendly enough, but we have had enough of being taken for a ride. There's always only so much you can put up with.

mathanxiety · 20/01/2012 19:32

Time to unfriend them.

I am surprised you are contemplating a 'next time'. What do you hope to gain from the friendship with these unpleasant people?

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 20/01/2012 19:41

I can't understand why you don't ask them to bring the booze, in return?

Seriously - you can't complain about people taking the piss, when you're handing them the piss in a crystal carafe.

Original poster
SoAppreciated · 20/01/2012 19:44

I know it sounds silly but they are lovely in so many other ways, it just seems like we are always the ones out of pocket.

Thanks for all the help, the short of it is I need to grow a backbone!

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 20/01/2012 19:50

Backbone is needed, how about next time you invite them over, you say, "great, could you bring some wine and can you do pudding?" oh, and "we need to be at Aunt X's for 11:30 so I'm afraid you'll have to leave a little earlier around 10:30, is that ok?" (no time for full fry ups)

I'd also suggest if you stay over again at theirs, bring a selection of pastries for breakfast.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 20/01/2012 19:51

Seriously, simply asking them to pick up the booze on their way over to save you the trip, will get your point across with remarkable passive aggressive clarity. :)

I know it's anathaemia when you're of a generous disposition. But sometimes a good point, well made is far more satisfying.

LydiaWickham · 20/01/2012 19:51

of course, they would have to be the best ever company to make up for that sort of behaviour, I'd just dump them.

bringmesunshine2009 · 20/01/2012 19:58

Just one thing. In a house full of people it is quite easy to forget to be the host. I love it when people ask if I forget, than them going hungry or thirsty. Same at my friends house I don't mind bringing the nibbles, i'm the one who eats them all ha ha oink. Likewise we are busy chatting and running after DCs, I'll ask if I can get a drink if not offered and so on.

ImperialBlether · 20/01/2012 20:06

Can't you rope in your husband? Men are much more straightforward if someone isn't pulling their weight. Just look at the pub situation where someone regularly has a drink in a round but goes home before it's his turn. It doesn't happen again.

Even if they were broke, they are still sorting themselves out before you, the guests who have been so hospitable to them.

I would see this as a severe character flaw and wouldn't want to see them again.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/01/2012 20:22

"if there is any 'spare' her own family are offered this first. "
That pretty much proves it is not down to lack of funds, but lack of hospitality. Yes OP, she is cheap. And that's nasty, however "lovely in so many other ways" she is.

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2012 20:43

I don't understand how such people are 'lovely in other ways'.

dippydoodah · 20/01/2012 21:24

They sound dire. You'll feel much better about things if / when you start to stand up to them and give them a taste of their own medicine.

2rebecca · 20/01/2012 21:34

I think I'd have been a bit more open about how I felt before now. The breakfast thing would annoy me and before going I'd say "are you just going to have honey and toast for breakfast because you know my kids don't eat it and if so I'll bring some (whatever they eat). I'd also stop going out of your way for them at breakfast, and maybe pull her up about the drinks "hey I always buy the drinks when you come to our house".
She may think it's rude, but it may make her realise she is treating you different to how you treat her and it may save the relationship.
Offering your own family food before guests just sounds rude though, so I suspect there is no hope for her and she is just selfish. You could pull her up on this but that is being as rude as she is. Maybe just go out for the evening with her and not stay over any more as she is rubbish at being a hostess.

PreviouslyonLost · 21/01/2012 00:57

bringmesunshine2009 ... nibbles...i'm the one who eats them all ha ha oink

Loved that one Smile

ENormaSnob · 21/01/2012 08:22

Ewww they sound cheap and rude.

I think you are being taken for a ride.

FredFredGeorge · 21/01/2012 08:40

Why if you can go there for the day to help out with some painting and can get there for 8am - do they come to stay for a few nights each year? Or you go and stay there...

fedupofnamechanging · 21/01/2012 09:39

I don't think you can do anything with people like this, apart from dump them.

There's a fundamental incompatibility here - I particularly wouldn't like it if a 'friend' told my dc they would be going home hungry, if they didn't eat the food which she knows they dislike. It's mean spirited and there's no room for that in a genuine friendship.

Get rid and free up your time for your actual friends and not these users.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 21/01/2012 09:41

8 til 4 with only a biscuit?! Did she eat at all during this time?

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