To think that my MIL should split her time more equally between her grandchildren?

[ellangirl]

So, as the title says really. I have a 2 year old DS and my SIL has 1 year old twins. Neither of us work. My MIL visits my SIL at least twice a week for a whole morning or afternoon, helps her with walking her dogs, bathing and feeding twins etc. once a week my SIL leaves the twins with mil so she can go to the supermarket or do other bits of shopping etc. her dh is in London 3 days a week, but she has her mum and sisters nearby, as well as a p/t nanny, a cleaner and a gardener. I have no one else, and my dh is at work from 8 til half 6. We have a dog too, but that isn't an issue- we manage the walking fine without help. I have no issue with my SIL by the way, or my life generally. I don't think I'm hard done by, I'm just illustrating the fact that we are in different situations.

I am currently going through second cycle of ivf, which is tough going, and I could really do with a bit of support. Most of the time I don't phone to arrange to meet up, as I often get told she is busy with the twins or something else. As i haven't phoned for the last 3 weeks my ds has only seen her once at weekend, when we have all gone over. I have tried to say that my DS would like to see her more but she basically said that she is often tired after looking after the twins, and she is feeling her age, so won't be rushing to the phone to arrange something with us. I feel quite hurt by this, for my ds's sake mostly.

Sorry for the essay! AIBU?

Well, it would be nice if she did.

But I guess she finds her own daughter easier to get on with?

We have been abroad for more than 10yrs & Ils have never visited their only child/GC!!

Not unreasonable at all. We have a similar issue only we're the ones with twins. MIL dropped everything for SIL after she'd had both babies despite her husband not working at all (that's a whole new thread!!). She does nothing for us at all in that respect and has never offered to come over see the kids and babysit for us once whereas my parents have always offered to babysit when they come to us every so often. We don't always take them up on the offer but it's nice to have the choice.

YUANBA

it sounds like ur mil is being very unfair
u defenilty deserve time 2

YANBU but we have this too.
MIL and FIL see SIL's 2 boys much more than they see our children. They even babysit for them sometimes. I think it's because they are their daughters kids.

She probably sees it as spending more time with her dd than her dil.

YABU... there's 'ideal world' scenarios where grannies allocate scrupulously even amounts of time and support to all their relatives and there's 'real world' scenarios where blood is thicker than water, they fuss more over daughters than sons, they prefer one DIL over another or one set of grandchildren over another. "She may just not be that into you...." Some people are also uncomfortable discussing things like infertility. Rather than take it personally, develop your life and circle of friends. And do you have your own mother...?

YAB a bit U - she can do as she wishes.

Well I imagine I'll spend more time with my daughter than whoever my son marries when he's at work

Is your MIL your SIL's mum or her MIL too? If it's the former, then YABU - she's her mum and is bound to want to spend more time with her. If it's the latter, then YANBU and either you or your DH should probably have a (pleasant) chat with her about your feelings.

YABU - sorry - I get that you are stressed and going through a tough stage but you can't demand somebody like you or spend time with you.

She probably has a closer relationship with your SIL and she might think (rightly or wrongly) she needs more help because she has twins and this then leaves her too tired for other things.

This doesn't mean she loves your ds any less.

Ultimately though she has the right to spend her time how she wants to. If you need her help ask her for it but be honest about your reasons, say 'i could do with a hand if you're free'.

YAB a bit U.

It makes a difference if your sil is her daughter. If it is, then it is obvious that she would rather spend time with her than her sons wife, that's natural.

Having twins is harder, so maybe she feels she is needed more there. It doesn't mean she doesn't love all her GC equally.

How much time did you spend with mil beforeyou had a child?

"Well I imagine I'll spend more time with my daughter than whoever my son marries when he's at work"

My husband is an only child & I always thought that I got on OK with the ILs.

Not fantastic, but enough to spend a few hrs together.

However, they would still never visit just the children & I in the week-and see their son for an hr or two when he came in from work.

Had to be the whole day with everyone, everytime!

Now, I get that he´s their son & they love him-but also passing up chances to see only GC?

I must be bloody hard work!!

We are both her DILs- I wouldn't feel this way if it was her daughter, that would be different. I'm not demanding she spend time with me, I want her to want to spend time with her grandson. My family all live a long way away. I have plenty of good friends so no issues there.

so you want her to babysit?

The SIL isn't the daughter (OP says her mum is nearby). So YANBU.

Do you get on with her?

Tbh a 2 year old is easier than twins (DS is 2) so can see why MIL would help your SIL. Also if your MIL feels her age, running after a 2 year old isn't great!

Have you asked for help? Has she offered and youve refused before?

YANBU, I have a similar situation. IL's have actually told DH that they favour their first GC (SIL's). They don't bother with our DS at all, never phone, visit maybe once every 2-3 months (they live 30 minutes away) and are always far too busy if we phone to suggest getting together. It used to get to me but now I just leave them to it tbh. It's them who are missing out. Expect nothing from them and try and get support from your own family/friends.

I guess with twins your SIL will need more help, much more.

Also, hurtful to you though this may be, she might just find it easier to get on with your SIL. Has she known her longer? You say that SILs family live nearby whereas yours don't. Does that mean that SIL is a local girl therefore has more in common with your MIL?

I know twins is harder, and no, I don't find having a 2 year old difficult. It's not that I'm struggling or anything. Neither is my SIL though, she has a lot of help. I suppose though, I would like mil to offer to babysit, when she knows I have appointments to go to re the ivf. She would never offer though, so it's a waste of time hoping she will!

I struggle with my relationship with my MIL (though I have the opposite problem of her inviting herself over at least once a week and barely talking to me she is so busy playing with her GS's) but I am gradually learning that to improve things for everyone I need to communicate clearly with her. If you would like her help one afternoon a week, or some company, or a break from your DS while you rest, just ask straight up, and be prepared to book it in advance so she can't use the 'too tired' excuse. Good luck with it - in laws are a mine field!

Nearlyinscotland that is terrible your ILs actually said they favour their other grandchildren!
I think she does have a much closer relationship with my SIL, but then I think she has a much closer relationship with her other son than my DH.

That would explain it. I think the fact she has younger twins probably means she does need more help too.

If you want help you have to ask. No point being resentful about it.

YANBU at all, why not talk to her and tell her how you feel. It is only right that she spend some time with her other grandchildren too.