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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my MIL should split her time more equally between her grandchildren?

58 replies

ellangirl · 20/01/2012 12:50

So, as the title says really. I have a 2 year old DS and my SIL has 1 year old twins. Neither of us work. My MIL visits my SIL at least twice a week for a whole morning or afternoon, helps her with walking her dogs, bathing and feeding twins etc. once a week my SIL leaves the twins with mil so she can go to the supermarket or do other bits of shopping etc. her dh is in London 3 days a week, but she has her mum and sisters nearby, as well as a p/t nanny, a cleaner and a gardener. I have no one else, and my dh is at work from 8 til half 6. We have a dog too, but that isn't an issue- we manage the walking fine without help. I have no issue with my SIL by the way, or my life generally. I don't think I'm hard done by, I'm just illustrating the fact that we are in different situations.

I am currently going through second cycle of ivf, which is tough going, and I could really do with a bit of support. Most of the time I don't phone to arrange to meet up, as I often get told she is busy with the twins or something else. As i haven't phoned for the last 3 weeks my ds has only seen her once at weekend, when we have all gone over. I have tried to say that my DS would like to see her more but she basically said that she is often tired after looking after the twins, and she is feeling her age, so won't be rushing to the phone to arrange something with us. I feel quite hurt by this, for my ds's sake mostly.

Sorry for the essay! AIBU?

OP posts:

bakingaddict · 20/01/2012 13:25

I thought from your post she was not your SIL's mother, as you said her mother and sister are nearby

Perhaps you need to get your hubby to have a discreet word with her, say I know, I assume it's his brother, has a lot going on with the twins but could you have our son occasionally. I do understand your point about wanting to make her a part of your son's life. My MIL is great with my kids but my FIL is a bit standoffish and that makes me sad.

You have to work hard with children to have that special granny and grandpa bond, I dont believe it comes automatically. You have to spend regular time with them, do things together, be a part of their lives otherwise you'll just be a relative they go to see on a Sunday for a few hours

ClothesOfSand · 20/01/2012 13:26

My children rarely see my MIL and FIL. Their daughter has children and so obviously their focus is on their own daughter.

OP, if you want your child to see more of your MIL, you need to get your husband to arrange to spend time with your MIL and your child. Does your husband spend a lot of time with his Mum? Does he take your DS with him when he goes?

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 20/01/2012 13:29

Could it be that your SIL just takes herself round there while you wait for an invitation?

Ephiny · 20/01/2012 13:30

I think YABU really, it's her time to spend as she sees fit, and she's not obliged to provide you with household help or free babysitting (or whatever favours you're hoping for) if she doesn't want to. And if you've already hinted at this, and she hasn't responded enthusiastically, I think you need to leave it at that.

She's probably telling the truth that she is tired after giving your SIL so much help with her children, and she might actually want to have a bit of a life of her own as well. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you're struggling I think you would be better off looking at hiring a cleaner or babysitter/childminder to give yourself a bit of a break.

Original poster

ellangirl · 20/01/2012 13:36

Ok, this is really helpful to me so thank you everyone for your replies. I think I shall just have to accept that my SIL will continue to get more help and get on with it! I really do understand that twins is hard, but she has a nanny, cleaner, gardener and all her family, and help from our MIL. Maybe I am a bit resentful than I thought ! Perhaps I'm sad too because I know if my mum was nearby she'd help me in any way she could and maybe all these artificial hormones are playing with my normally rational mind. Ho hum!

OP posts:

Piffpaffpoff · 20/01/2012 13:36

YANBU but, speaking from experience, there's not much you can do about it without potentially causing a lot of grief all round. Speaking as someone who is four years down the line in this scenario is to expect nothing, but always ask for help when you need it. This is the only way that I have found to work for me.

And I'm the daughter, not the DIL. there's no rule that says the daughter always gets the most attention!

roonilwazlib · 20/01/2012 13:38

You have probably married the favourite son or she just gets along better with the other dil.

Piffpaffpoff · 20/01/2012 13:39

Oh and PS, I spent a lot of time being resentful about this but realised eventually that the only person being affected by that was me. So now I have accepted the situation and frankly, its their loss missing out on time with my fab DCs!

diddl · 20/01/2012 13:39

Well I think it´s quite odd tbh.

But as I said earlier, I though I got on OK with my ILs-but they obviously didn´t like me enough to visit their GC without my huband also there.

Perhaps OP´s MIL feels the same?

Sad to miss out on GC though.

And SIL doesn´t sound as if she needs the help.

But perhaps MIL likes to be doing/feeling useful?

bakingaddict · 20/01/2012 13:39

I dont think ellangirl is wanting/expecting lots of free babysitting or struggles to cope looking after her own child, that's a bit harsh and judgemental

Her main point is that she just wants her MIL to be as much as part of her DS's life as she is with her other son's kids which is perfectly reasonable. It must be horrible to know your MIL isn't really interested in your child

cantspel · 20/01/2012 13:40

maybe your mil doesn't want to give so much help to your sil but she is more high maintance and demanding so your mil feels she has no choice but to help out.
She maybe be run ragged by your sil and physicaly have nothing left to give you.

ClothesOfSand · 20/01/2012 13:42

EG, yes that is my situation also. My own mum is a long way away and my MIL is fairly near. We get around this by the kids going to stay with my mum for a week at a time.

I know your situation seems unfair, but it does work out in that way a lot. MILs often spend more time with their own daughter than their DIL. I know so many people who are in the same situation. I know it can be annoying but I think you will save yourself a lot of grief and upset in the long run if you just try and not dwell on it and get on with your own life.

YuleingFanjo · 20/01/2012 13:43

It is hard with twins and I am guessing they are younger? Still a shame that this leaves your MIL with no energy to see your DS. Perhaps you could take him round to see her a bit more often so that she gets to see him more? As none of you work would it be easy to make an extra day in the week where you take your DS over to see your MIL at her house and stay to look after him?

YuleingFanjo · 20/01/2012 13:44

"MILs often spend more time with their own daughter than their DIL"

the other DIL is not the MIL's daughter. They are both DILs.

Original poster

ellangirl · 20/01/2012 13:49

Diddl yes my mil loves being indispensable and feeling useful, just unfortunately not to me!!
Bakingaddict thanks! No I do not expect free anything or struggle looking after my child. At the moment it is a purely practical- it is a nightmare keeping a 2 year old out of mischief is a doctors office when you are have bloods taken and internal scans that's all!
Yulelingfanjo (love the name by the way) usually she is too busy for us to go full stop. Normally I do stay, the only time I could really do with the help is for appointments.

OP posts:

Tmesis · 20/01/2012 13:52

How was your MIL with you and your DS before the twins were born?

Original poster

ellangirl · 20/01/2012 13:56

She was much more helpful before the twins were born tmesis, but then he was the only GC so I suppose that's to be expected. I had a distant relationship with all of my grandparents, and I suppose I just want more for my DS, as he won't get to see that much of my mum in comparison.

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 20/01/2012 13:58

you are not unreasonable to feel upset, but it seems there is not a lot you can do about it really. if your husband is illing to have a word then maybe that would help. the amount of help you are getting from mil would feel ok if it weren't for the unfairness of the situation and seeing the extra your sil gets.

exoticfruits · 20/01/2012 14:09

Maybe she thinks that you are self sufficient, a mother of twins are in obvious need of help and maybe you are not in obvious need. Have you tried actually asking-i.e. talking about it well in advance. e.g. you could say that in March you would really appreciate help.
Do you perhaps expect control if she does help-is SIL more laid back?

I am just trying to think of reasons-there was another thread yesterday where a mother wouldn't leave her baby with a, perfectly competent, MIL just for a quick dental appointment. The woman's crime appeared to be that she wanted to cuddle the baby! I'm not saying that you do that but maybe your body language isn't very inviting-some people look unapproachable and self sufficient when they are not.

Tmesis · 20/01/2012 14:10

I wonder if there's an element of "Oooh! Twins! Twins are exciting!" and then once she's started obsessing over them it becomes self-fulfilling because she doesn't see as much of your DS any more.

Could you maybe approach it with her from an angle of "I think DS is really missing seeing as much of you as he used to... could I maybe help you out with the twins sometimes so that you and he can spend some time together? I know how tired you get looking after them on your own." That makes it clear that you are genuinely focused on the relationship rather than looking for free childcare.

Or have triplets yourself next time and thereby trump your SIL...

OldMumsy · 20/01/2012 14:22

My MIL never gave me and DH any support with our twins despite the fact I would have loved it as sadly my own DM died just after we got married. I understand the hurt, so YANBU. It gets better though so hang on in there.

everlong · 20/01/2012 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilsonFrickett · 20/01/2012 14:29

I think you need to ask for what you want - if you don't, how does your MIL know you'd like the situation to change? A simple 'as you know, we are having these appointments and it would really help me and DH if you could watch DGC on (specific time and date). I don't want to put you on the spot, so could you check your diary and let me know?'

Clear and direct - and whatever you do, don't get into 'and you do so much for my SIL'. Just ask for what you need. If you've never 'needed' her before, how is she supposed to know you need her now?

Original poster

ellangirl · 20/01/2012 14:32

Honestly everyone, this is really helpful. Am feeling so much more positive about it all, thank you. Some great ideas about how to move forward too.

OP posts:

lolaflores · 20/01/2012 14:41

My love, my mother has not seen my DD since xmas. she lives a 15 min walk away. she is always with my sister, who has a little boy?! I am at home with my DD, with many health problems. I do not ask for help. None is ever offered. She prefers to go to my sisters place. It is overt favroutrism. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. It still hurts though. I just make sure I will never be like that with my kids.
But, I do hate my own mother for it. Nasty thing to say but thats how I feel.
And I know lots of folk get on with their twins with no extra help.
And it sounds like the other woman has a shit crap load of help avaialb.e
Mothers can be hurtful bastards. That is a fact of life. And realising that is a head fuck, but once you get round it, you stop wasting time.
Do not try and kid yourself. It is what it is. You don't ask you for help as you won't get it, which is embarrasing. well, i found it was for myself.
Behaviour is the truth if you know what I mean. do not judge someone by their words but by their actions. I know my mother would not drop everything and run if I needed her, but if it was my sister....now thats another story

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