To think that my MIL should split her time more equally between her grandchildren?

[ellangirl]

So, as the title says really. I have a 2 year old DS and my SIL has 1 year old twins. Neither of us work. My MIL visits my SIL at least twice a week for a whole morning or afternoon, helps her with walking her dogs, bathing and feeding twins etc. once a week my SIL leaves the twins with mil so she can go to the supermarket or do other bits of shopping etc. her dh is in London 3 days a week, but she has her mum and sisters nearby, as well as a p/t nanny, a cleaner and a gardener. I have no one else, and my dh is at work from 8 til half 6. We have a dog too, but that isn't an issue- we manage the walking fine without help. I have no issue with my SIL by the way, or my life generally. I don't think I'm hard done by, I'm just illustrating the fact that we are in different situations.

I am currently going through second cycle of ivf, which is tough going, and I could really do with a bit of support. Most of the time I don't phone to arrange to meet up, as I often get told she is busy with the twins or something else. As i haven't phoned for the last 3 weeks my ds has only seen her once at weekend, when we have all gone over. I have tried to say that my DS would like to see her more but she basically said that she is often tired after looking after the twins, and she is feeling her age, so won't be rushing to the phone to arrange something with us. I feel quite hurt by this, for my ds's sake mostly.

Sorry for the essay! AIBU?

that upon review was a very dark and cynical post. excuse the tone, I do mean well, but this is a subject that continues to flow through our lives here and it is damaging.

From MILs point of view it is easy to offer for twins because everyone needs help with 2 babies.
With only one DC she probably doesn't want to interfere.

Many DIL resent it-e.g. the one posting on here who changed her dental appointment to a day her DH could have off because she didn't want MIL (perfectly competent woman)to have the baby, even if she went with them to the dentist. (while she was in the dentist chair MIL might 'take over' and give the DC a cuddle!!)

If MILs read MN they would be scared to suggest any contact in case it is deemed 'interfering'-so they would love to be asked.

I fucking love my MIL but it would seem my mother has a problem with me. I love watching my MIL and my DD together, but my mother keeps us at arms length. Go figure.

Oh dear re the dentist appointment! I am not a MIL hater at all believe me, I think she's so lovely with my DS. I have come to the conclusion that my SIL is a lot more intuitive than me, and when I think about it, my mil is helping with mealtimes and bath times- practical things. I think perhaps my mil doesn't feel comfortable with lots of playtime with a toddler and maybe that's what really tires her out. I have already suggested going out for lunch next week and she was really happy about that. As for the offering to help re appointments, it's not going to happen, so I won't ask, but I'm not going to sit here and be resentful about it because as you pointed out, it's up to her what she does or doesn't do with her time. Thanks all!

DH knows full well that his parents have always favoured his sister over him, it goes back a long time of reneging on things, helping out etc.
By the way, twins are not that hard to look after. They're quite easy at 1yr old as they aren't that mobile, still nap in the day and don't talk!!!

ellangirl Can I just say you sound lovely! You've taken the best out of the thread and looked at where you can move forward to and it's refreshing! :D

It is her time to use as she chooses, but as a granny, I think YANBU.
Why is she needed so much if your SiL has a nanny?

And all of those who say it's up to her and you should put up/get over it, well, how would they feel?

It hurts.

Nanny0gg, those of us in the OPs situation (I suspect you are one of us?) know it hurts, but it really is up to the MiL how she spends her time. I am still working on cultivating a thick skin over my Mum favouring one of my brothers' children and I manage it about 90% of the time. I silently seethe for the other 10%.

Ellangirl I really think you should ask about help with your appointments, but be prepared to be turned down initially. This has been my strategy and slowly but surely I am getting a little bit more help when I need it. Nothing like the amount the others get, but more than I used to. It's crap, but it's the only way that has worked for me.