to think that the advice on MN's new relationship page is a crock of shit?

[PattiMayor]

This is the first 'golden rule' on surviving an affair:

Recognise that an affair is a symptom, not a cause, of a marriage in trouble. You've got to look for the reasons why it happened - what needs did your partner had that he was looking to meet elsewhere? What could you do to meet those needs within your marriage?

Really? Really???

So if your partner has an affair, it's entirely your fault? That's what that 'advice' sounds like to me.

(apols if there is already a thread on this, I can't find one)

WTF??? Is that daft old bint off This Morning writing that advice?

YADBU. Utter tripe.

No, I think for many affairs this is not the case at all. I am sure it is sometimes, but not always or even most of the time...

YANBU

Sorry! YADNBU

YANBU and double triple YANBU!

I think in general the advice on the Relationships thread is pretty bloody good actually. You've picked out one random bit of 'advice' and labelled a whole board with that attitude. right back at you.

God knows, I can't see that it's credited to anyone, it's apparently distilled from some of the wise things people have said on here over the years. I don't recall many people giving that 'advice'

It doesn't sound like that to me at all.

However, it would be best worded "What could you both do to meet those needs within your marriage"

The problem with things like this is you can't please everyone, and someone somewhere will always take it the wrong way.

However, if it helps the majority, it will serve its purpose.

Whoops, I thought you meant the Relationships Board - where the heck did they get that from then???!!!!

YANBU and that random bit of advice shouldn't be there.

The typo also irritates me more than anything.. does nobody proof read before they publish anymore?

Worra - where is the responsibility for the person who is having the affair in those questions? Because I can't see it.

Here's the link incidentally: www.mumsnet.com/relationships/surviving-an-affair

:o squeaky

Link to other thread with comment from MNHQ

Whoops! Thanks Shirley, I thought there must be a thread somewhere but I couldn't find it

No probs! I wasn't criticising, just thought you'd like to see the comment.

I see what you mean Patti but the responsibility is assumed imo unless they were forced at gun point.

I just think the advice is about how to 'dig' into the reasons IYSWIM.

But how did this get through in the first place? If you're going to launch something like this, surely someone higher up the food chain should at least glance at the advice before it goes live? Or am I just hopelessly naive?

WTF!!

YANBU. It's awful.

the thing is though most breakups happen because of behaviour from BOTH parties in one way or another

very few i would imagine is all down to one partner although the gurus on the relationships board would have you believe otherwise lol

That's how I read the advice Buen

I read it as though you can take it as read that the onus is on the person who had the affair, but that getting past it means looking closely at the reasons.

I do admit it could be worded better though.

I actually agree with that, for the most part.

I know it's not considered socially acceptable to say so, but I do think that an affair is the symptom of a problematic relationship... in the majority of cases, anyway.

I agree with Worra though, that the advice should stretch to both parties.

But what I think that it's trying to say is that denying any issues that you may be bringing to the relationship simply because the other person had an affair does nothing but damage if you are going to attempt to reconcile.

I'm afraid I sort of agree with the idea behind it, although it is worded in a bloody awful bordering on offensive way and I think it's not quite right. No. Actually, I don't. I think what I think is it is saying that affairs don't happen when nothing is wrong and it is that I agree with.

If two people are blissfully happy, in love, respect one another, have agreed to be faithful, are loyal to one another, considerate of one another, care about each other's feelings etc etc - they would not have an affair. They would not want to do that. They would not want to hurt the other person. They would be meeting all of each other's needs.

So clearly something is wrong, missing, from one or other or both of them. Something is not as it should be.

Otherwise - why would they do it? Why would someone betray the person they claim to love if they respect them? love them? would do nothing to hurt them?

So I think it is reasonable to say that an affair happens because something is wrong. The betrayed person may be unaware of the problem but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist in the eyes of the other person. It may be that the person who has an affair is themselves the problem. But there is a problem, no doubt about it.

However, it's their problem. Their issue. Their choice to betray instead of addressing any issues they felt there were in the relationship.

I go with what JustHecate has said.