to think that the advice on MN's new relationship page is a crock of shit?

[PattiMayor]

This is the first 'golden rule' on surviving an affair:

Recognise that an affair is a symptom, not a cause, of a marriage in trouble. You've got to look for the reasons why it happened - what needs did your partner had that he was looking to meet elsewhere? What could you do to meet those needs within your marriage?

Really? Really???

So if your partner has an affair, it's entirely your fault? That's what that 'advice' sounds like to me.

(apols if there is already a thread on this, I can't find one)

Thank fuck for that cos I read it back and now I'm as confused as shit

Agree PocPoc

Ha ha ha ha ha worra

I am absolutely gobsmacked by this. MNHQ is that really you.... Have you been hacked?

Well that advice is absolutely not what most posters say or believe on the Relationships board.

I'm not as hardcore as some of the regulars on there (I have never uttered the immortal words 'Leave him' ) but I absolutely do NOT think there is always something wrong in a relationship when someone strays.

Some people are just selfish twats who quite simply want to have their cake and eat it.

If my dh had an affair (God fucking help him) I would not look to myself or our marriage first, I would tell him he is a cunt of the highest order who had the choice to highlight any problems in a huge number of ways - but instead he chose to break our marriage vows.

I do think that if a person has caused unbearable pain to someone they love, to the other parent of their children, and they know that they are being judged by all around, including their own parents and family and colleagues - then the 'get out of jail free card' of being apparently able to focus on the perceived failings of the spouse is one that a weaker person might snatch at.

Mind you, that in itself, I would say, from experience, is a sign that your marriage is well and truly fucked.

I think MN should revise this 'advice.'

There's a thread about this in relationships and MNHQ have responded.

Thanks Cailin - shirley mentioned it too :) They have deleted the rule now apparently but I really wish that a) it hadn't appeared in the first place and b) that it wasn't up to MNers to police the site's contents

I also think that an affair is likely to be due to many factors within a relationship and that a relationship is something that is made by both parties. I have had friends who have had affairs with other people's husbands and who wait for Him to leave the wife who isn't giving him all that he needs. I have had friends who have left their husbands for other men and have jsutified it for all sorts of reasons. Affairs happen and if we are to get past them we have to look at the behaviour of both parties.