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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that the advice on MN's new relationship page is a crock of shit?

62 replies

PattiMayor · 20/01/2012 10:43

This is the first 'golden rule' on surviving an affair:

Recognise that an affair is a symptom, not a cause, of a marriage in trouble. You've got to look for the reasons why it happened - what needs did your partner had that he was looking to meet elsewhere? What could you do to meet those needs within your marriage?

Really? Really???

So if your partner has an affair, it's entirely your fault? That's what that 'advice' sounds like to me.

(apols if there is already a thread on this, I can't find one)

OP posts:

ThePathanKhansWitch · 20/01/2012 11:43

Has it not got leave the bastard?

OcarinaOfTime · 20/01/2012 11:43

This up above me. Replace it with this ^^.

TheParanoidAndroid · 20/01/2012 11:44

Some people have perfectly happy normal marriages and still have affairs. Thats because some people are just cunts.

StrandedBear · 20/01/2012 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisIsANickname · 20/01/2012 11:45

However, it's their problem. Their issue. Their choice to betray instead of addressing any issues they felt there were in the relationship.

Whilst I completely agree with this sentiment, don't you think that simply saying "That's your problem" isn't really a having a fair go at reconciling? I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't think that anyone is obliged to reconcile and if you've been cheated on and don't want to make amends then fair dos.

But if you say you are going to give it a shot, would it not be best to do so in a way that means you can both give and take a little?

JustHecate · 20/01/2012 11:49

I suppose it depends whether something being someone's problem means that they are on their own with it. What I meant by that was a problem that is within them, not 'it's their problem deal with it'. - Their issue. Their decision. Them.

iyswim.

Not 'their problem' in a dismissive not going to work together way.

ThisIsANickname · 20/01/2012 11:58

Ah, I think I understand.

Ignore me.

LineRunner · 20/01/2012 11:59

The person who chooses to have the affair is certainly the one with problem, I agree, Hecate, but it's so easy for them to project in onto their partner using the line of reasoning to which the OP objects.

After my (ExH) first affair (well the first that I guessed about, anyway), we had counselling and he was fed the line that he was in some way 'entitled' to act out this way because he was unhappy. That hurts me more to this day than the actual betrayal, which I feel we could have worked through. But he became an entitled cunt and did it again.

valiumredhead · 20/01/2012 12:01

It's not always a symptom of something being wrong, some people shouldn't be married and just can't keep it in their pants/keep their knickers on! Nothing to do with the other person.

LineRunner · 20/01/2012 12:01

After my (Ex)H's first affair, sorry.

JustHecate · 20/01/2012 12:05

Isn't that in itself something wrong, valium? It doesn't have to be something wrong with the other person to be something wrong?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 20/01/2012 12:06

I agree with that advice. It could be worded better, but the actual advice is entirely correct IMO.

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2012 12:10

I think having a one night stand is not being able to keep it in your pants

Having an affair is something quite different.

FreudianSlipper · 20/01/2012 12:11

i think some of the advice is good and has helped many

but yes some are stuck in their views probably down to what has happened or is happening to them

what bugs me most is i would not put up with that!

ThisIsANickname · 20/01/2012 12:12

I think some of the replies may be confusing the issue a tiny bit. It is advice specifically targetted at relationships that are trying to be reconciled.

The people who cheat as a passive aggressive way to get out of a relationship or don't have the heart to be in a relationship would never really get to that stage. At least, I can't imagine they would.

This is for the people who have experience with their partner being genuinely remorseful for their actions and wanting to work hard to make things right. In those cases, in order to be completely honest with each other, the partner being cheated on needs to be able to hear that maybe they weren't perfect and maybe there are things they could do to make things better.

I am not at all saying that an affair is justified on the grounds of being unhappy.

LineRunner · 20/01/2012 12:13

My point is that if a guilty party hears advice like that, couched in that way, they can and do sometimes dump blame onto the person that they have already hurt.

And that doesn't help to mend a marriage.

FreudianSlipper · 20/01/2012 12:20

of course some people are unhappy in their realtionship so they choose to seek happiness elsewhere

but that is what they do they make a choice, someone does not force them to have an affair

and others well they just do it becasue they can

Original poster

PattiMayor · 20/01/2012 12:24

But ThisIsANickname - the key to moving on from an affair is that the guilty party accepts they have done wrong and takes some responsibility for their actions. Without that, it doesn't matter what the cheater partner does or doesn't do, they are on a hiding to nothing.

That should be the first golden rule - that if your partner doesn't accept that they've fucked up and are truly, truly remorseful, you may as well start reading the divorce section.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 20/01/2012 12:24

worra imo the result is the same regardless of wether it is an affair or the other person is just shagging numerous people - I wouldn't be happy with either!

Whatmeworry · 20/01/2012 12:24

YABU quoting one sentence and lamnsating a whole section.

Also, buggered if I can see what's wrong with that advice. It's not true in all cases but I'd think it's true for the majority.

ThisIsANickname · 20/01/2012 12:27

PattiMayor, I agree.

valiumredhead · 20/01/2012 12:27

I agree patti with your 12:24 post ( sorry, not worker out you to c and p on this new key board yet )

LineRunner · 20/01/2012 12:29

I agree with you, Patti, that without genuine remorse there will be no real repair.

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2012 12:31

worra imo the result is the same regardless of wether it is an affair or the other person is just shagging numerous people - I wouldn't be happy with either!

I see what you mean but with regards to trying to make a relationship work and finding out the reasons why, I imagine the two things would probably need a different path.

For example a one night stand might mean avoiding alcohol totally in the future if there's any chance of making the relationship work.

A proper affair, would no doubt have different 'solutions' that were nowhere near as simple.

valiumredhead · 20/01/2012 12:32

worra I know what you mean.

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