Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to miss my brother's wedding in New Zealand

52 replies

Allegrogirl · 19/01/2012 22:10

We can't afford for 4 of us to go. It's going to be at New Year so the most expensive time of year. DH has kindly suggested that I go alone. DDs will be 6 and 3 so a lot for DH to deal with on his own. I'd feel terrible leaving them and worry they would resent missing such an amazing experience when they are older.

So I feel it's all of us or none of us. I'm also feeling miserable about not having had trip abroad for two years and got quite excited a the thought of NZ until I had a proper look at how much it will cost. Sad

OP posts:
FourEyesGood · 19/01/2012 22:12

If you can afford to go (on your own), then go! Your DH will cope with your DDs - could he take them for a special trip or a weekend break somewhere fun so that they're getting a treat too?

squeakytoy · 19/01/2012 22:14

If you can afford for you to go, then go if it with your husands blessing.

If the situation were reversed, would you be happy for him to go to a siblings wedding?

He is your children's father and should be able to cope with them without you for a short time. The children are too young to even know where you are going really, and will not resent it.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/01/2012 22:15

Do you want to go?

Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 22:16

Why are they alot for him to deal with alone?

Forrestgump · 19/01/2012 22:18

Your dh will manage just fine with his children. Why is it a lot to manage on his own, is not hands on.

Go and enjoy your brothers wedding.

tribpot · 19/01/2012 22:20

I really don't think your DH should find looking after a 6 and 3 year old that difficult. They're also not old enough to be resentful of not being taken, I think - my 6 year old had to guess where a friend of mine was going on holiday today and he came up with:

  • London
  • January (eh?)
  • USA

That said, I know there is no way I could fly to NZ without him - unless maybe I flew in, did the wedding, flew back almost immediately. I could enjoy a wedding there for my brother's sake, but not a holiday.

That's just me, though! I don't think you're unreasonable not to want to go, but you are unreasonable not to do so because you think your family would disintegrate without you for a short period of time :)

violetbunny · 19/01/2012 22:22

I think anyone who chooses to have a destination wedding (especially halfway around the world) needs to be understanding that some people won't be able to come for cost/logistical/other reasons. I think the suggestion for you to go on your own is sensible.

For what it's worth, I am from NZ and even I haven't been home in 3 years!

Original poster
Allegrogirl · 19/01/2012 22:23

ATruth I would love to go. Only have one sibling and I get on well with him and his DP. They live a few streets away from us so we are quite close.

DH would cope fine but the logistics of nursery run etc could be tricky due to transport etc as I drive and he cycles to work (in the opposite direction to school and nursery).

Our family is small and by brother will be well outnumbered by Kiwis so I want to be there for him. Some sightseeing wouldn't hurt either.

DH is an only child but yes, I would tell him to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allegrogirl · 19/01/2012 22:26

Thank you all. I'm starting to think maybe I could do this. My DH is great and would not resent me going, he is very hands on. I feel like I have to be in charge all the time though.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 22:26

So go. He will cope and you will have a fantastic time.

go, have a little holiday (going all that way for a couple of days is just nuts!) and come back to a family who will be thrilled to see you, you thrilled to see them and (possibly) your DH calling in a couple of "favours" Wink :o

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 19/01/2012 22:27

I would feel the same as you. I wouldn't want to do a trip that fer away without my children and my husband. I also wouldn't want to celebrate a wedding when the person I am married to is so far away. But then I wouldn't go to a wedding without dh even if it was just around the corner!

You need to think about whether you will be able to really enjoy it, or whether you would spend much of the time counting down the hours until you were back with your family. If you think you would enjoy it, then go. Your dh would manage fine, the same as you would if he went away. I don't think that should come into your descison making if you can help it. But if you don't think you would enjoy it, then it's not worth the money. Same goes if you think you would rather spend that money on a holiday with your husband and children.

Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 22:27

If you feel like you need to be in charge all the time, then this could be a really good way for you to back off. It will help you to realise that you dont need to be the big boss all the time and relax a bit.

This is sounding better by the minute and I am uber envious :o

Rhubarbgarden · 19/01/2012 22:28

I think you should go. It's a one off. You could regret it if you miss your brother's wedding.

NatashaBee · 19/01/2012 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Irishchic · 19/01/2012 22:44

I dont think you should go. You are not going to take that long a trip if you go on your own, and its a hell of a long way to go and a lot of money to spend to just be going there to make a one-day occasion. I know people have been saying you can do lots of sight seeing, but in reality, once the wedding is over, I reckon you will just want to get back and see your dh and kids who you will probably miss more than you can imaging right now.

A wedding is only one day. Whereas with that kind of money, you could have a great family holiday and create some lovely memories, or just bank that money and save it for the trip of a lifetime in a couple of years.

If your db normally lives nearby why not just all go away as a group when the wedding is all over and have another smaller celebration just your family and him and his dw, either at home or abroad, a lot less costly and a lot more intimate and memorable, not least because your dh and dd's are there to enjoy.

Its not a matter of your dh not being able to cope, of course he could, but the issue is would you really enjoy being on the other side of the world to your family for that lenght of time, (presuming you couldnt go for less than a fortnight). I certainly couldnt.

onewomanswatteam · 19/01/2012 22:47

I wouldn't go, I would wait and save the money to take the kids somewhere special. but that's just me.

squeakytoy · 19/01/2012 22:48

Only have one sibling and I get on well with him and his DP. They live a few streets away from us so we are quite close.

In that case another option is, and I assume he is marrying a Kiwi and then they are coming back here again... ask that someone is filming the wedding so that you can see the video, and they have a celebration back here as presumably few if any of their UK friends will be attending either.

onewomanswatteam · 19/01/2012 22:48

Especially as your brother doesn't actually live in New Zealand.

onewomanswatteam · 19/01/2012 22:50

You won't fully enjoy it, or you wouldn't be so doubtful. And it's a lot of money for something you won't enjoy.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 19/01/2012 22:51

For the love of God, go. Go - have a break, see your lovely brother get married and have a wonderful time.

Your DC will NOT resent you, and your DB will be so, so appreciative of the gesture and grateful for your presence. Believe me, I'm talking from experience. :)

You will regret not doing it far, far more than you will regret doing it.

Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 23:00

Out of interest, how old are the kids of the people saying "Go" and then the kids of the people saying "Dont go"?

I have 6 ranging from 21yrs to 7 months and the last time I had a weekend on my own with any of them was when I had appendicitis 8 years ago and Ex took them to his dads for the weekend so i could have some peace :o

Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 23:01

Should add, I was saying "Go"!

sunnydelight · 20/01/2012 07:28

Go. Being married
doesn't make you joined at the hip and motherhood shouldn't make you a martyr! I have had three solo trips back to Ireland/ England in the last four years since we moved to Oz leaving DH to "cope" with HIS 3 children. Youngest was 4 first time. My trips were around visiting my elderly dad who has health issues, but I made damned sure (with DH's blessing) to get the most out of such expensive trips by seeing friends, having a bit of a holiday etc. nobody resents me for it - if we had a spare $20k each time we would all have gone, we didn't. Don't miss your brothers' wedding unless really necessary.

ScroobiousPip · 20/01/2012 07:44

hi op, i live in NZ and my family live in the UK. I travelled back to my sister's wedding and i'm very, very glad i did. when i got married my brother literally flew in for a weekend Arrived Friday after a 30 hour flight and flew back again on Monday. I was and remain to this day so incredibly grateful to him for coming so far for such a short period of time. It is wonderful to look at the wedding photos and see all our siblings together.

of course money comes into it but, if you can afford it, i'd go. take the children if you can go for 3 weeks or more but not if you are visiting for less time because of the jetlag.

have you looked on a budget airline website like airasia? they sometimes have return flights for around half the price of standard flights. you have to bring your own sandwiches etc but if you want to save money, it's worth looking into.

legspinner · 20/01/2012 07:47

OP you should go especially as your DH is encouraging you to!

I was in a similar position 5 years ago with my cousin's wedding (he is in UK, we are in NZ). DH suggested I go on my own - I don't have a large family and it would be too expensive for us all to go. At that stage our DCs were the same age as yours would be, 6, 6 and 3. I went for 2 weeks and really enjoyed zooming over the country catching up with friends and family and having some quiet time on the plane (being able to read / sleep uninterrupted for 24 hours is seriously underestimated IMO....).

DH did a great job on his own, not that I didn't think he wouldn't. You'd love it - summer in NZ and all....