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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel sad for the baby

85 replies

inspireme · 19/01/2012 21:07

Sil has a 6 month old baby as do I. I try not to see her much as I really don't agree with her parenting and I spend most of the time biting my tongue about some of the things she does regarding the babies safety and feeding like not strapping her into to buggy/carseat for example.

Had a conversation with her today and came away feeling very upset about the situation. Basically she has been feeding DN toddler milk for a while because the tubs are 2 quid cheaper on offer somewhere, not sure if that's really bad but I'm sure there's a reason why it's made for children over 12months.

She started weaning at 13 weeks so by now baby is well onto solids, I asked her what she eats in a day and the list is,
adult size bowl of porridge morning,
Petis filous yogurt (sp?) mid morning,
potato gravy butter salt afternoon time,
ambrosia custard pot evening,
another yogurt at bedtime, and crisps during the day,

She's never had fruit or vegetables yet apart from the
potato.

Now i know this isn't great, but I though well at least
she getting bottles, but her exact words were " she
doesn't really take bottles anymore" when I asked how
many ounces she takes she said 6oz in morn and 1 oz
before bed.

She has had numerous colds, ear infections and currently has bronchitis, not saying they are related but
maybe they are who knows.

I have previously posted about her and was told keep out so I have done so, but ffs it's getting hard when a
baby's health could be at risk.DH and I are getting worried, and really would love to say something but
know it will probably result in a fall out and he's very
close to his family.

Yes I know AIBU to be wearing judgey pants over someone else's parenting, but I need to rant and there's only so much DH can listen to when it's his Sis.

On iPhone so sorry in advance for spelling mistakes!

OP posts:

Heswall · 19/01/2012 22:19

SS have bigger fish to fry than a child not getting their 5 a day FFS.

We had apples once a fortnight when we went to granny's house and have survived.
If you want to stick your beak in have the child around for tea and help out that way but honestly this isn't the biggest deal I've heard.

foreverondiet · 19/01/2012 22:20

Discuss it on no names basis with health visitor.

suzi2 · 19/01/2012 22:21

I know people like this - I don't think it's that unbelievable. What I have done (just once) in the past is to tell the HV my concerns. She wasn't able to act directly on them (ie go round to parent and say there was a problem) but she said she'd keep an eye when she saw her at baby clinic and have a few chats about things. I figured my conscience was clear.

I have 'told on' people not using car seats too. I don't know what actually happened - I was told that someone would go round for a chat unless they were actually caught.

Oh, and I reckon my DD could have put away an adult bowl of porridge at that age, despite only just starting being weaned. She can put away HUGE portions of food and it's shocking, especially considering she's VERY petite.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 19/01/2012 22:21

You can't contact the HV just because the baby should be having 20oz milk a day !
That's not child abuse ! Good grief some people really do live in a bubble .
No it's not ideal , but the child is not being abused or neglected either.
You need to leave well alone and limit contact .
And yes our generation know salt isn't healthy , but I bet mothers in their 60's now probably weaned on mashed potatoes and gravy.
That 20oz milk includes milk in cereals etc anyway.
Don't judge by your own standards.
Again it's not ideal, but it's not abusive either.
If as one poster suggested you called SS they would tell you not to waste their time.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 19/01/2012 22:22

Totally agree with Heswall.

ballstoit · 19/01/2012 22:30

Nanny Lots of babies were weaned on gravy and other salty foods years ago...there's a reason more childhood morbidity was much higher years ago and this is one of them. Along with less safety measures etc.

We also used to send children down mines and up chimneys...would you report someone who was forcing their child to work?

The OP has mentioned 2 things which are pretty concerning...salt and car seat not being done up. A quick call to the child's HV is not a waste of anybody's time IMO.

Heswall · 19/01/2012 22:34

Balls - children are made of tough stuff, I've seen children hardly fed on anything at all and you know what they are ok.
If you want to start sneaking around snitching on your own family and that's the environment you fancy bringing your kids up in then that is far more damaging IMO. I would say something about the car seat and buggy - to her face - look you wally the straps go together like this for example.

suzi2 · 19/01/2012 22:37

What I do know from a friend who works at SS is that often the type of parenting exhibited in the OP goes hand in hand with other 'risky' parenting. Things such as leaving a baby home alone while they go to the shops. I'd say that it's a red flag worth mentioning to someone who can take a proper view of it (eg HV). If there's nothing wrong then what's the harm?

Heswall · 19/01/2012 22:40

Here we go ... no smoke without fire, if they've nothing to hide then there's nothing to fear etc etc

tigerlillyd02 · 19/01/2012 22:41

Although I think it's a horrendous diet for a baby and do feel very sad by it, I personally can't see what can be done about it. No crimes are being committed and it's quite difficult to prove neglect which is the only road you could go down.

At 6 months, a baby can be weaned. So, regardless of when she first weaned her, there wouldn't be an issue there. There are no laws on what you can and cannot feed your baby and unless you are not feeding your child at all, or feeding them alcohol (which again would need to be proven) then there's not a lot anyone can do. In regards to the amount of bottles - milk doesn't have to be all fed in the form of bottles. The milk can be added to her porridge, in mashed potatoes etc and it all adds up.

As for bottles not being sterilised, although you say the bottle was filthy, which I believe, there are lots of people who stop sterilising much earlier than the 12 months. So, again, not exactly a huge thing.

I am mostly concerned about the car seat incident, but they'll just call your bluff and that'd be the end of that. Unless caught, there's nothing anyone can do about that either.

It's very unfortunate. But, I honestly don't see as reporting this will make any difference. I've made several reports in my time - one incident involving severe smacking which bruised all the (18 months old!) childs bum and legs - reported by someone other than me too! This was amongst several other things such as child being admitted to hospital (so hospital reports too) for being left and swallowing bleach, getting hold of knives and cutting himself, having a razor and cutting his mouth with it through not being watched in the bath and one for a sprained arm which was done by his mother yanking him when he was having a tantrum. Was anything done? Not at all! Load of rubbish! Certainly gave me an insight into how reports are dealt with.

I was also closely involved in another case about 5 yrs ago (family member) where the child (and mother) suffered 5 years of terrible abuse at the hands of his father, regardless of numerous reports and HV concerns. It only ended when the mother ended up stabbing herself (infront of the child) and then she was given a choice - leave him or lose your child. Still, the father had access every weekend.

So, comparing this horrible story to events such as those which, one was acted upon only after something terrible happened and one still hasn't been dealt with, as unfortunate as it is, I think you are completely wasting your time as it depends who you ask on whether it is even abuse.

Original poster

inspireme · 19/01/2012 22:48

Suzi2 think you've hit the nail on the head re the risky parenting, her DH told me about a family party they were at that he had drunk so many vodka's, later on she told me about how many drinks she had the last time she was drinking, its wasnt until i mentioned to dh they we realused it was the same night. The baby was with them and either one of them drove home about 4 miles. I know for a fact they took their car home themselves. This is the type of risks they will take ffs!

OP posts:

WibblyBibble · 19/01/2012 22:50

I'd be really worried about the levels of salt and maybe vitamin imbalances/overdoses from higher levels in toddler milk than babies can tolerate (possibly, I don't know what's in toddler milk as I've never used it- I do know that some vitamins can be toxic to babies at high levels e.g. vitamin A, hence the dose for things like Abidec beign lower for under 1s). Too much salt can be very dangerous for babies: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/404667.stm (upsetting link, though- but I think your SIL needs to wake up to this, I read something on it when pregnant and was really paranoid about salt for dd2 after that- even things like weetabix have a lot of salt in and crisps are awful for it, unless she's getting the special baby ones which are salt-free, but more expensive). Obviously a 6mo is less at risk than a tiny baby but if she's regularly getting ill then it seems like there is a risk. I would write to her HV if you know who it is (or which GP she's with and they can pass it on).

topknob · 19/01/2012 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Feminine · 19/01/2012 22:53

topknob I don't agree.

I think its genuine.

Original poster

inspireme · 19/01/2012 22:57

topknob The more I write it down the worse it's getting, I totally agree it's hard to believe but regardless of whether you believe it or not its happening.

Just had a conversation with DH, he said she was told y'day to stop feeding LO in her car seat yesterday by mil, and she got cross and mil backed down straight away. She couldn't have children for years and had ivf for this baby, so no one was allowed to challenge her on anything for years because they made allowances for this so she has got away with everything for years and mil seems to find it very hard to correct her or say no to her.

OP posts:

tigerlillyd02 · 19/01/2012 23:00

Gosh, waited for years. So a much wanted baby and then doesn't want to research into or take advice on whats best for their precious child :(

Very sad.

Does she seem abusive though or do you think she's just not clued up? Even still, if you have their best interests at heart, you always re-examine what you're doing imo. I certainly did, hence being on here!

tigerlillyd02 · 19/01/2012 23:02

oh and tobknob I think the post is genuine too. It doesn't seem so bad that it's unbelievable, in my opinion. These things can and do happen, clearly and is probably more common than you'd think!

imaginethat · 19/01/2012 23:08

well you can wring your hands forever or you can do something about it. if you can put your concerns for the baby ahead of your feelings for your sil, you might be able to work it out more easily.

i agree with suggestions to talk to HV. at least then you have done something rather than sat on your hands when you could have made a positive difference.

but you also need to accept that she is different to you and that if you find it so hard to witness, then that's your problem to deal with, not hers.

Heswall · 19/01/2012 23:09

I had IVF, you need a degree in biology to take the drugs in the correct order at the correct time with the correct combinations.
There's no way that somebody who couldn't read a baby book would manage, i'm sorry but there just isn't, I've known nurses cock up their cycles making mistakes with medication.

Original poster

inspireme · 19/01/2012 23:14

tigerlilly would never think she would be abusive in a million years, the things she is doing are more through lack of common sense or laziness. Her DH is very sensible though (or so i thought) so I'm surprised at him really.

Going to say to HV without giving her name and get her thoughts and take it from there.

Totally agree with anyone who think I'm sticking my nose in but the thought of something happening her LO and that we could have done something about it is horrible feeling.

OP posts:

Hardgoing · 19/01/2012 23:15

I would be worried about the salt intake more than anything else, the other stuff isn't your personal preference, I don't like to see children with squash in their baby bottles or eating crap, but unfortunately it's not your business and it's not dangerous either. You can get all hung up on fruit and veg, but the plain fact is that most people in this country, including children get far less than 5 portions a day and some have none. Not idea, but not abusive or something to report. I would say, next time you see her spooning a salty food into her child 'aren't you a bit worried about the salt'. Petit filous, custard, it's not your preference, but it's calories and it's milk, not an issue.

The car seat is a problem, but you haven't seen it.

Original poster

inspireme · 19/01/2012 23:16

heswall her DH knew all the info, I asked her one day what it involved and she couldn't really tell me and said DH knows all that stuff.

OP posts:

Heswall · 19/01/2012 23:23

Yeah right

Original poster

inspireme · 19/01/2012 23:27

Yeah I'm lying heswall she just pretends she can't really read much but secretly she's a genius.

OP posts:

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/01/2012 23:28

Something is telling me that you're a little cynical, Heswall

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