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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DD go to singing group?

76 replies

skrumle · 19/01/2012 18:46

DD currently has the following afterschool activities:
Hockey (1 hour on a Monday)
Guides (2 hours on a Tuesday)
Singing (1 hour on a Thursday)

she wants to give up singing and i'm not letting her, cue temper tantrums this evening when it was time to go. she's 11, has quit loads of different afterschool activities over the years, doesn't have a different one she wants to go to instead and really wants to just have some more time to laze about watching TV/reading/playing on her Ipod. I think that she enjoys the group when she's there, they are teaching her to sing "properly", she has a decent voice and it's good for her!

AIBU?

OP posts:
FourEyesGood · 19/01/2012 22:01

At what age will you let your DD make her own decisions about what she likes and dislikes? And Christ, it's not as if she doesn't have a whole heap of wholesome activities that you've lined up for her.

YABU, but it sounds as though you're only going to take on board the views of people who agree with you. I pity your daughter and hope that when my children are older, I don't end up as controlling as you seem to be.

ScaredyDog · 19/01/2012 22:10

This will sound a bit weird.

But I did so much afterschool stuff when I was a kid that I think it's scarred me for life Confused

I hate making plans for just about anything, if I have to do something after work it stresses me out for a week and I'm really funny about things like holidays.

I swear it's because as a kid my mum insisted we did band practise twice a week including four hours on a weekend, brownies, karate, youth club etc.

My mum never forced me, but I craved just being able to come home from school or have a weekend where it stretched out before me with no plans made. Argh!

Fgs just let her do what she wants to do - she won't thank you for forcing her.

OriginalJamie · 19/01/2012 22:12

Get her to do more round the house, but some people don't like to be busy all the time. You've done the best to expose her to things, but she's made her decision. I think you should stop worrying, if that's what's driving this.

BustersOfDoom · 19/01/2012 22:13

YABU. My DM forced me to go to choir practice when I was at middle school. I got away with miming for about 3 months before I just refused to take part. I could sing then, very well, and had roles in professional musicals - years ago now though, my voice has suffered at the hand of wine and fags since then - but I just hated having to sing stuff I really didn't like with teachers I despised conducting and trying to take the credit.

I just didn't want something I loved to be anything to do with the school I hated. So I stopped taking part and picked it up again after I left. No regrets!

Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 22:13

Wasting your time chaps, this is a classic "AIBU?" "Yes" "No I'm not"

move along, nothing to see here.

OriginalJamie · 19/01/2012 22:15

TBH I kind of admire these children who refused to be pushed, and wonder at those who do exactly as they are told (I was one of them - I'm sure it's not good...)

lurkinginthebackground · 19/01/2012 22:20

I don't think you can force her tbh.

rookiemater · 19/01/2012 22:29

I was forced to learn the clarinet and piano when I was young.

It was fine when I was in primary school but once I started senior school I wanted to join debating and go into town with my friends on a Saturday morning rather than play in an Orchestra with a mixture of adults and teenagers.

I was good at it but began to hate it and now as an adult I feel quite angry that I wasn't able to go to debating because it clashed with my music lessons after school, after all I think it might have been a more useful life skill.

If it were me I would let her stop. If you are really worried about her spending too much time slouching at home then ask her to choose another afterschool activity to replace it but it has to be completely her own choice.

curlycubes · 19/01/2012 22:30

It's one hour out of the week. I think you should encourage her to continue, it is only one hour.

She may want to continue with music at GCSE level (ok that's a few years away) but may regret giving up at this point in time.

I think it is good that children have some after school activities rather than laze around too much. FWIW I do make mine do something even tho it means I am a taxi service.

RaspberryLemonPavlova · 19/01/2012 22:33

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It is a good compromise, giving her time to think about it, and to come to a reasoned decision. Learning about commitments is a good lesson.

Am amazed that people think that 4 hours activities a week gives children no time to chill.

exoticfruits · 19/01/2012 22:36

It all depends on whether the DC wants to do it. Does OP sing? Does she give up time to go? If not-why are DCs different? Maybe her DC will take up singing when she is 16, or 25, or 50.

tigerlillyd02 · 19/01/2012 22:55

I think YABU. I take DS (2.2) to every group I can get into at the moment (one most days) so he can experience a range of different activities. But the moment I think he doesn't enjoy any one (or more) of them he'll stop going.

Children don't enjoy everything. I think the other 2 activites are plenty for her without the singing too. If you really want her involved in more activities, you could ask her if there's anything else she thinks she might like and look for a class / group for that instead.

BustersOfDoom · 19/01/2012 23:11

But it doesn't matter that it's only for an hour a week. Even if you are good at something, if you absolutely hate it or it bores you utterly rigid how can being forced to spend an hour a week immersed in it be good for you? You aren't suddenly going to conjure up an interest in it and give a level of dedication that means you will give up at least one evening a week to practise.

Please listen to your DD. My DM also thought that when I was 11 I would enjoy and benefit from learning ballroom dancing. She was wrong. I watch Strictly and have no regrets that my baby elephant moves were not widely seen. I can't dance and don't give a shit. Fortunately I wasn't asked to sing or dance as part of the interview for my job.

Theas18 · 19/01/2012 23:34

Op I'm with you on this. She should give it a while longer - say till half term or Easter and then if she really feels the same she can stop. I'm might be a terrine mother though and say if she isn't dong that music I want her doin a bit more decent practice on her other evenings...!

I think learning a bit of "stickability" is really good for kids- any skill/ hobby ( or job!) will have a time when it isn't a thrill a minute and things need a bit if work to get into the next phase where it gets more fun again.

My kids are musical and sing a heck of a lot. They also learn several instruments- practice being sporadic and not much- but they make progress ( they'd maybe progress more with more practice but honestly the teachers that do exams don't put them in for more than 1 a year and the chap who doesn't do exams doesn't feel they are very important).

I am aware that they don't get a lot of tv / console type chilling time but they do read etc.

I honestly think generally it suits my 3 to be busy - the 12yr old still gets a bit tired but that's all. They certainly have a " work ethic" and the 18yr old is having no trouble at uni studying, socialising and continuing to sing 2 nights a week and on Sundays for her choral scholarship - she was worried about fitting it in, but having done it through a levels she can organise her time ok. Beats collecting glasses in a pub to earn a few quid as a student!

I'm sure they'd be different kids if they weren't busy. But happier or better prepared for student/ adult life I'm not sure. They aren't much different to many if their school mates- some are much busier ! I guess the school they go to is one where kids just are encouraged to make the most of their opportunities/ talents.

MCos · 19/01/2012 23:48

Hi OP, will confess to only have read page 1 and end of page 3 (last page currently).

I take approach - you must complete what I've paid for. Once fees are due again we can decide for next term

However, DD1 recently joined orchestra, and wants to give up already. It is harder than she expected. But I know that is a temporary situation - so she is offered a bribe to continue next term. Today she told me that while she doesn't love orchestra, she wants the 'something' that she will get at the end of next term, so will sign up for next term. (She is 9 - but I know I am still open to bribes at 40+!)))

However, if she didn't agree to the bribe, I'd be OK for her to quit. For me, the bribe shows how against it she really is. If she didn't accept the bribe, then I'd know she really wasn't interested.

exoticfruits · 20/01/2012 07:37

I wonder how many people who go on about 'stickability' practice what they preach. I doubt whether many of them carry on going to something they don't like!

KatyMac · 20/01/2012 07:45

For a lot of people their stickability is displayed by remaining in a job they don't like until they get a better one rather than resigning then looking for another one

exoticfruits · 20/01/2012 08:37

I think that money plays the big part in that! If they could afford it they would resign first!

Scholes34 · 20/01/2012 08:59

. . . and what is Guides, if it's not an opportunity to hang out and do something with your friends?

porcamiseria · 20/01/2012 09:01

YABU. and mean mean mean. does she not have a voice?

tiger mummy altert

cory · 20/01/2012 09:01

I always felt having been allowed to largely organise my free time for myself was a massive advantage when I got to university: I didn't rely on others to organise me.

DeWe · 20/01/2012 09:35

Why don't you says she can give it up, but must do something else if you're bothered about her doing stuff?

Scholes34 · 20/01/2012 09:39

The whole point is that she does have a voice, and should be using it in the singing group.

Bramshott · 20/01/2012 10:27

We have a rule that once DD1 (9) has signed up for something she has to see the term through, so she knows if she wants to give something up she has to stick with it until Easter now.

exoticfruits · 20/01/2012 11:32

I agree with cory-by the time they got to 11yrs I let them organise whatever they wanted to try. You can be sure that way that it is a real interest. The only thing that I ever insisted on was learning to swim-an essential life skill.

It is a huge mistake to organise your secondary school age child with activities, homework etc. It is the age they should be doing it themselves.

Most adults on here would hate to be signed up for things by others 'because it is good for them' -and yet they do it for their DCs.