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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DD go to singing group?

76 replies

skrumle · 19/01/2012 18:46

DD currently has the following afterschool activities:
Hockey (1 hour on a Monday)
Guides (2 hours on a Tuesday)
Singing (1 hour on a Thursday)

she wants to give up singing and i'm not letting her, cue temper tantrums this evening when it was time to go. she's 11, has quit loads of different afterschool activities over the years, doesn't have a different one she wants to go to instead and really wants to just have some more time to laze about watching TV/reading/playing on her Ipod. I think that she enjoys the group when she's there, they are teaching her to sing "properly", she has a decent voice and it's good for her!

AIBU?

OP posts:
cantspel · 19/01/2012 19:24

She is 11 so quite capable of deciding if she wants to do an activity or not. If you force her she will resent you and the activity.

Bogeyface · 19/01/2012 19:27

And being lazy and CBA at 11+ is normal btw. I have 2 that have been there and 1 that is there now, and its what they do. The 2 older ones are not like that anymore, they grew out of it and found the hobbies they loved and have stuck with them.

If you think that by forcing her into activities you will change her attitude then you are sadly wrong and I confidently expect several posts from you in the years to come where you feel wronged because you "gave her all these opportunities" but she still hates you. Thats normal too!

rhondajean · 19/01/2012 19:28

Ah bogey - reading is meaningful activity here!! Three hours staring at Disney xd in your housecoat isn't though...

I really think it depends on the attitude when you pick her up, if she's enjoyed it she's either just being a bit lazy in not wanting to go, or she's getting it tight at school.

This has been assuring for me too that mines isn't the only one!!

exoticfruits · 19/01/2012 19:37

I would say that she should be the one to choose. Forcing it is a sure way to put her off! If you are keen on it, join a choir yourself. Maybe if she sees you enjoying it she might think she is missing out.
I have to say that I would hate someone else choosing what I do-and even more so if they thought it 'good for me'.

PocPoc · 19/01/2012 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PattiMayor · 19/01/2012 19:45

Christ I'm glad you're not my mum :(

ivykaty44 · 19/01/2012 19:46

If she has enjoyed it when she comes out - then perhaps its just the winter night blues (who wants to go out in the winter) and she may regret it later on.

Talk about it in a couple of days when you are both calm and find out if it is the actual going that she objects to and not the session itself?

Original poster
skrumle · 19/01/2012 19:51

well she's back and enjoyed it... (who wouldn't enjoy lying on the floor blowing on maltesers to keep them in the air?)

apparently one of the issues is 4 new, younger boys who are running about during it. have agreed that we will revisit the decision in a couple of months.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 19/01/2012 19:52

YABU. Especially if she isn't into the performing side and is already, imho, perfectly well occupied by her other activities. You stand the very real chance of putting her off singing forever if you force her to continue. Be a little more laid back about things and accept that actually, your dd needs "disorganised" time.

LeBOF · 19/01/2012 19:55

That sounds sensible.

I would say though that at that age they do need a fair bit of loafing time, just physically. The growth spurt and hormone stuff takes it out of them.

pixiestix · 19/01/2012 19:57

She's a child. If she cant laze around now when can she? There are plenty of years ahead of her doing what other people demand of her. Let her be.

PrimroseCocktail · 19/01/2012 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scholes34 · 19/01/2012 19:59

I'm with you on this skrumle. She obviously does enjoy it, bearing in mind how she is when she comes out. It complements the music lessons. It's just one hour out of her week, and probably comes with little or no practice needed during the rest of the week.

Have just "persuaded" DS2 (same age as your DD) to go to a newly formed brass band, having been learning an instrument for two years now. He was reluctant to go to the first session last week, reluctant to go this week, but said he'd had a fun time when he came out.

Yes, an 11 year old may know what he/she wants to do, but will need guidance sometimes and an understanding of why something might be "good" for them. They won't always make a well judged decision. OP hardly has a packed weekly schedule for her DD there. Plenty of time to chill and hang out with friends.

PrimroseCocktail · 19/01/2012 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 19/01/2012 20:03

Yanbu to make sure she really does want to give up, yabu to try to force her to do something she doesn't want to when it's an extra curricular thing.

I don't see what your big issue is with her being at home relaxing though? How is that a bad thing?

Scholes34 · 19/01/2012 20:08

Err, we're talking about four hours of activities.

AmberLeaf · 19/01/2012 20:14

YABU...and pushy.

dippydoodah · 19/01/2012 20:24

yabu. My mum forced me to go to choir which I didn't want to do and I still resent her for it now (I'm 40!)

BirthdayBump2012 · 19/01/2012 20:47

I don't know about this one.
Can you tell her she can quit if she replaces it with something else?
I agree that she needs stuff to do but I ask because my mum used to make me and my brother go to things when we were that age and I quit as soon as I was old enough and we both spent our teenage years throwing it back in her face when we argued.
We used to have fun when we got there but I'd of still would of prefered being at home.
Also I would really check the bullying, my DN got bullied for singing club when she was at school even her friends to the mick cause it wasn't 'cool' and now she's turned sixteen and in collage she has got in with a crowd younger than her , but who are thought of as cool and I dread to think what they are doing even as I'm typing this

usualsuspect · 19/01/2012 20:53

YABU

give her a break , all of us need time to just relax and do nothing

when did it become the norm to micro manage all our kids spare time?

exoticfruits · 19/01/2012 21:22

It always seems counter productive. You can make them go-but it is a bit pointless if they don't want to be there. If she loved singing you wouldn't be able to keep her away.

mumeeee · 19/01/2012 21:30

YABU, Is it possible for her to have a short break. Children need time to just relax they don't need to be alwys doing something.

KatyMac · 19/01/2012 21:35

I always re-negotiate classes at the end of each term/half-term - do they still want to do them?

If she wants to give up, we give notice & give up; but it has to be arrange before the class

startail · 19/01/2012 21:47

I don't think YABU singing is a hobby you can do through out your life.
I don't think your being unreasonable to apply a bit of encouragement.
Clearly if your DD really doesn't want to go she should give up, but not simply because she's being a bit lazy.

skybluepearl · 19/01/2012 21:56

mine will say he isn't keen and would rather not but will then get completely hooked a few months in. i've always encouraged them to do a term of sessions and then review the situation