to wonder if anyone else does this and what I'm really wanting when I want another baby?

[FelicityWits]

Every month, like clockwork and linked to ovulation I am sure, I start yearning for another baby. Tears, recriminations, fantasies about leaving DH and finding someone who will get me pregnant. Googling ICSI abroad.

I can't have another baby. V v traumatic crash section and then two further c/s - it took us 5 years to concieve DS1 (DD is older), as I kept m/cing due to scarring in my womb. I love my children. I don't find parenting babies easy at all - my youngest is 4 now and it's so much better (DS1 and 2 v close in age).

DH had a vasectomy after DS2. I was offered sterilisation during the section but said no, I didn't want to close that door for myself, but I agreed to DH having the vasectomy.

DH says no kids ever ever ever. He even says no to fostering and adopting. No more kids ever.

I'm 32 and it feels so final and I hate how final it feels. I want another baby, another toddler, another child, so badly. I love my children beyond all reason and this yearning doesn't lessen or impact that in any way, we are perfect and I must learn to be content with the beautiful family I have.

But I'm not :( It must be hormones. But what is it I want so desperately? Pregnancy was fraught and stressful and occasionally tragic. Birth painful, the early days overwhelming, years of nappies and vomit and put like that no of course I don't want to do it again.

Except I do :(

I can't help you except to say I yearn for another as well. I really really want another.

But money is very tight and we have no support from our families. So common sense says stop at two.

But that doesn't make my heart stop wanting a third.

I hope someone will be along who can some advice

Sorry no advice. No income, halfway through a degree, in a one-bed flat with a one year old DD and would like another too. :(

I'm sorry you are feeling this way but you agreed to his procedure. Would you really break up your family and take your kids away from their dad for that later?

It seems very harsh.

What is your DH like as a dad and husband? Your mc and loss would have affected him too it is sad but I wouldn't
Consider leaving for that reason alone

I hear you. Our DD was stillborn. We now have two further gorgeous children both DSs. It's been unbelievably traumatic. DH says no more. I have had a very very hard time coming to terms with it all though I believe I am almost there.

I think for those of us who've had traumatic experiences of pregnancy, or losses, the "no more children" decision brings all those things to the fore again and they must be gone through again. And it's exhausting. And one way of putting it off is to have another baby, and some part of you thinks that maybe this will square the circle, I will have a nice normal obstetric history with the right number of children at the end of it.

Or maybe that's just me.

It's so . I'm not there yet, but I know where I'm aiming at now - looking to accept the situation I have and come to terms with the issues that making this decision has thrown up.

We'll see. Just my experience, in case it helps. Hopefully others will be able to offer actual wisdom.

Tears, recriminations, fantasies about leaving DH and finding someone who will get me pregnant

I would suggest seeing your GP, because that doesnt sound like it is much fun if you feel so bad every month.

I find it impossible not to say to you that you really should be thankful that you already have healthy children, and that is a lot more than many other women. I also think this sounds like you are being very unfair on your husband too.

bythemoonlight and Red (Red I was in the same situation when I had DD!), un-mumsnetty hugs to you both

Kayano of course not, they're just fantasies. Sometimes I have to let my brain 'go along the path', if that makes sense, so I can come to the conclusion? Like, allow myself to imagine leaving DH - who I adore and don't want to leave. So I wouldn't. But if I did...

and then on. It does help to go through it mentally, to remind myself I don't want to make those decisions. Every month I decide and accept, again, that I won't have any more children. Sorry my post wasn't clear :(

(I mean, there would be no guarantee I could get pregnant and carry to term, or find someone who'd want to do that with me - and I don't want to leave DH! But I desperately desperately want another child.)

I comforted myself with the idea of fostering, but DH has said a final no to that, so it's rawer lately.

I don't know if this will help, but I am 32 as well, have 4 children, and I still feel like that every month! DH was sceptical after 2, said that the thought of more children made him physically sick (!) after 3 (he changed his mind eventually!) and has put his foot down now. It never seems to get any better - despite my head saying NO MORE the hormones keep fucking with my brain each and every month. My BF feels the same, in fact the last time we met we were both talking about whether going on the pill would help stop the craziness. Think this must just be what your body does in your 30's :)

mrsgboring you have hit on something I think is very relevant to me. I think part of my brain is clinging to the idea that perhaps I can 'fix' the awfulness of the past. I know it never could and the opposite would more likely be true. But oh god how much I would like to have a pregnancy and birth which wasn't full of panic and danger.

I want to be able to accept what has happened and the wonderful family I have. I DO accept it, almost all of the time. But there's those nights when I just can't :(

squeaky I thank god every day for my children and the fact that they came to me (mostly), safely - DD and DS1 have (unrelated), issues. It's not about not being grateful for what I have, honestly, I am grateful every day for DH and my beautiful DCs, all the more so because they were so hard won.

But there is this yearning. It doesn't detract from what I have, truly, it's hard to explain. It's not ingratitude, it's something else.

I've spoken to my GP many times and am having (private), counselling at the moment for related issues. It's not defining my life every day, promise. Just today :(

purple yes! I think you're right. I think perhaps my lizard brain doesn't know (or care), about my DCs or DH's vasectomy or my issues and is just screaming PROCREATE TIME IS RUNNING OUT at me.

Explains why there are seven billion people on the planet I guess

Sorry, I know I must sound harsh, and I did try to word my post as kindly as I could. But as someone who has been unable to get pregnant and stay pregnant, I am jealous as hell of anyone who has got a child. Probably more so at the moment as I am 4 days late, and I know damn well it just means I am 4 days late and nothing more... so apologies for my grumpy pmt post. :)

I also get the urge to get more pets (baby replacements ?!?)...1 dog, 4 chickens, 1 guinea pig and a rabbit and counting...I am seriously considering trying the pill!! It is driving my DH nuts :) My kids OTOH are quite keen to get a puppy!

squeakytoy hugs

I often feel the same - that awful sickening yearning. DP's boss is pregnant at the moment and I am really happy for her, they will be a lovely family, but I am so jealous. I once passed her in the car after dropping DP off at work and she was late going in and I started crying because I knew she was late going in because she was suffering from morning sickness. Now she is far enough along to be showing, I am purposely late picking DP up so I don't have to see her. I'm happy for her, it just seems so unfair that she is pregnant and I am not.

That makes me sound like a horrible person, I would never wish for her to not be pregnant, but I had two mcs last year and, realistically, know that DP and I are a long way off actually being able to afford to plan to have DC.

The longing for a child is something that I can't even begin to explain, even to DP who is not as fussed about it as I am. I sympathise with you, I really do, and I know that just because you feel the way you do doesn't mean you aren't grateful.

PurplePansy I did that with pets too! Four ish years ago when DP wouldn't 'let' us start ttc I begged for a hamster. A hamster didn't quite do the trick though, so a year later I begged for a cat, who is wonderful but still wasn't quite needy enough so I campaigned long and hard for a dog!

Our bodies don't understand the dynamics that make it impossible to add to our families.

Our bodies should be making us feel this way at ovulation...its how we, as a species, survive.

Its normal.

And yet its not :( Modern life and its complications is a bitch sometimes.

twllbach :o it is nice to know I am not alone!!

*are not is

I have moments like this. Short ones but they happen fairly frequently.

I am 45 this year, have had four children and adopted one.

One of my children is disabled and so is my husband.

We live in a small three bedroomed house.

So it makes no sense at ALL to have more DCs and I asked OH to have his vasectomy because I knew we couldnt have any more.

Doesnt stop me really, really, really, REALLY wanted more DCs though.
We cant help the yearning but it does sound as if you are really suffering. Maybe you need to talk to someone about it and work through it?

Twll after I had DC4 I accepted I wasnt going to have anymore children. I told OH that I really should get a little dog to help me deal with this. Ummm then I had DC5

I think we should all share an un-MN hug, have a and a . I am putting my current mood down to hormones.

agree with feminine

but my carerr will be beyond fucked if I have 3, so its a NO. need to not watch one born every minute, sobbing

I feel the same but my cycles are all over the place so i can't put it down to certain dates each month, it just feel constant. i still think about fostering and surrogacy when my baby is a bit older. reading posts like squeakytoy's make me feel so guilty feeling like this, when i've had 3 so quickly and easily.
i've read a lot of similar posts to the OP so that's helping me realise it is just hormones and biology. i'm hoping to sort my contraception out as soon as my body settles down so am hoping that will make things better.

how would you feel if your OH revealed to you that every month he had fantasies about running away and finding another partner

i dont think any one of us would be terribly chuffed
i would look for help if i was you because if you end up blurting this out for one reason or another, it will have terrible consequences

have a Its crap isn't it, our bodies make us want more babies.

Camberwick I talk about it to DH whenever I feel it - we discuss it, we talk through the decisions we made and why they were the right ones. That feels more healthy than bottling it up and he's been with me long enough that he knows it's something which is reasonably fleeting.

I wouldn't blame DH for fantasising about running away and finding another partner occasionally either, especially when I am all tearful and snotty about no more babies ever. But he doesn't really want to do it, just like if I am not going to leave him and find a sperm donor. Doesn't stop me wanting another baby.