to wonder if anyone else does this and what I'm really wanting when I want another baby?

[FelicityWits]

Every month, like clockwork and linked to ovulation I am sure, I start yearning for another baby. Tears, recriminations, fantasies about leaving DH and finding someone who will get me pregnant. Googling ICSI abroad.

I can't have another baby. V v traumatic crash section and then two further c/s - it took us 5 years to concieve DS1 (DD is older), as I kept m/cing due to scarring in my womb. I love my children. I don't find parenting babies easy at all - my youngest is 4 now and it's so much better (DS1 and 2 v close in age).

DH had a vasectomy after DS2. I was offered sterilisation during the section but said no, I didn't want to close that door for myself, but I agreed to DH having the vasectomy.

DH says no kids ever ever ever. He even says no to fostering and adopting. No more kids ever.

I'm 32 and it feels so final and I hate how final it feels. I want another baby, another toddler, another child, so badly. I love my children beyond all reason and this yearning doesn't lessen or impact that in any way, we are perfect and I must learn to be content with the beautiful family I have.

But I'm not :( It must be hormones. But what is it I want so desperately? Pregnancy was fraught and stressful and occasionally tragic. Birth painful, the early days overwhelming, years of nappies and vomit and put like that no of course I don't want to do it again.

Except I do :(

squeakytoy Don't you dare apologise. I know I have no perspective. Somehow knowing how ridiculous my feelings are doesn't make them go away though.

I hope with all my heart (and hope this doesn't sound too creepy from an internet stranger), that you get what you want.

Felicity, FWIW I think it is much better for you to be able to talk to your DP about that. My DP has just got used to me being all snotty and tearful, hazards a good guess as to why, I nod, and he disappears off to his man room to shoot some zombies or whatever!

I know he feels guilty because it is so obviously what I want, to have babies and then another and another and another but he isn't ready for it and has been honest about it. I feel guilty because I am making him feel guilty, and I also feel bad because logically I know that we just couldn't afford it and it would be as close to impossible as it could possibly be, yet still I am desperate.

Is it really hormones though? Is it really something that is as simple as survival biology?

And I will take both the and the and the hug thanks, Red!

Mrs DV - I salute you with your 5 DC and your dog, I struggle with the animals I have (there is another logical reason for not reproducing yet right there!)

But only three DCs at home so I am not exactly supermum

Oh I'm the same... we have one DS and not likely to have any more although I would really love to. I'm 40, we're skint, both of us are job hunting, and we're just now starting to feel normal again after a really difficult pregnancy and first year with DS.

Logically I know we can't have another one but emotionally I want one so much!!!

I'm okay most of the time but sometimes it's really painful. Recently a friend who had her first at the same time as me, had her second baby, and it really threw me. I was an awful cow to DH for a week .

I think part of it for me is definitely wanting to 'fix' the past. I was horribly sick throughout pregnancy and hated it, then we had a tough time for months in large part due to having no support and not having any idea what we were doing. So I imagine getting pregnant again and this time enjoying it and things going smoothly with the baby. But that's just a fantasy.

It helps to know I'm not the only one! Sometimes I'm so sad I just feel heartbroken, then I feel pathetic.... not good.

We should set up a

support quiche

Twll I like that idea

I don't really have anyone in RL to talk to about this

Ach is it too early for ?

To me it's one of those head/heart dilemmas. My head says no (traumatic birth, ongoing health problems, finances, depression, not very good at the whole motherhood thing) yet my heart says yes.

It's not remotely sensible for me to have another baby. Yet every now and then I have this craving...

For me, I'm going with my head as it's not let me down before, whereas my heart has let me down plenty of times - with men that is. Not sure if it translates to babies. I think part of it is being told you can't or shouldn't for me - that makes me want it more.

I have felt like you for years, and now at nearly 39, it is really a bit too late for pregnancy and it looks like I'm going to be getting divorced anyway.

As others have said, I have filled the house with animals to mop up my surplus nurturing instincts.

The one thing that makes me okay with not having had more children, is that while looking after older children is easier on a practical level, it doesn't get any easier on an emotional level. When something bad happens in my kids' lives, it is still as if somebody has ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. Perhaps it is always like that, even when they become adults themselves. I'm not sure I could go through that with another child.

I envy you having three; I have two. It doesn't make your situation any easier for you though!

Once they become teenagers, there's always counting down the years until grandchildren to get you through.

surplus nurturing instincts

I like that - sometimes I feel like I am soggy with them and then I slopslopslop about all over the place, leaving a sodden trail of nurture behind me and...ummm... ...and it would be nice to have a child to act as a bucket to squeeze all my nurture into?

Good grief, that right there is why drinking at the office desk at 3'o'clock should be socially acceptable. To prevent outpourings like that

I am with you on this. Pining for number 5 at the moment. Really should just concentrate on enjoying the ones I have. But tis hard. Had a BFN in January and was relieved and gutted, now seem more relieved than gutted but am consciously trying to make it that way. as really gutted

DH the same. Said wouldn't mind another child but does not want me to be pregnant/give birth etc. We also have a three bed house and not really the space/finances but I still have baby clothes can not throw them yet. Aaaagh.

I do not think I could cope with another baby as too old and used to my sleep again now as DD2 sleeps through. When the older ones were 2 I was already pregnant with the next one and am not this time. It makes me feel sad that this is the last baby I will feed etc and am jealous of people who are pregnant especially those with twins. Sigh.

Every few months i go through a few weeks of wanting another child....DH dosn't for all the practical reasons money/need a bigger car/house etc and said he dosnt feel he could cope with another newborn esp twins again....

SIL has just had no. 8 and plans on a couple more :( It makes me increadably sad and insanley jellous - they dont work so they dont tend to worry about the finacial aspect of children they want another one so they have one..... I love all my nieces and nephews but it gets harder and harder with each new addition.

I always wanted seven children
I remember being about 7 yo and getting a large piece of paper, drawing seven columns on it and working out the ages and names of the chidlren I wanted, so there would be Evelyn, 18, Grace, 16, Lily and James (before HP!) 14, Jack and Ella, 6, and Rose, 3. Then I would get the Argos catalogue and start from page one, and list the title, reference and page number and price of everything I thought I would buy my 'children' and then I would do the same with the Next catalogue and add up the price at the end of it!

Then I got a bit older and started cutting up my mothers magazines if I saw something I thought they might like, so I would cut out the picture of a nice outfit for the youngest one and the picture of a nice room or something.

Then I started collecting names - I had a special book and would write girls names in pink, boys names in blue and unisex in red. After a while I did the same with pet names and decided that any chidlren I have would have a dog, a cat and a horse each and would cut out pictures of the animals for each child and name them...

When I write all that down I realise I sound a bit unhinged. I don't do that anymore although I have kept the book that I wrote it all down in apart from the name thing. I love collecting names...

I'm actually quite relieved to read this thread. We have 5 DC - the youngest was born once the others had grown up, and I always got that craving for another baby and another. I can really identify with the idea of putting right the past, but of course you make a whole new load of mistakes.

We have also had several dogs, 4 cats, cockateils, lovebirds and a canary. We are down to 2 birds and 2 cats. The cats are getting old and I'm already planning their replacements :(

I know at least 6 friends and colleagues all expecting babies in the next few months and I'm really . Yet we have had more children than any of them, and actually I don't want any more children . Doesn't help either that a number of my friends and contemporaries have now got grandchildren and I'm getting a real ache to have some too. I had 3 kids by the time I was DC1's age

TwllBach I always used to make lists of names too. Mostly for girls, and I had mainly boys, so they didn't get used.

and and to all!

Stupid lizard brains.

Though I collected names as well! I only got to use a few of them and that's even with all the DCs having two middle names!

Good morning how are we all today?

I've been really struggling over the last couple of weeks because 2012 was supposed to be this brand new start or me and DP. We should have had a baby by now and me a new job that I trained for three years for, but instead I'm still in the summer job I had whilst at uni and my boss won't put me on a contract. Between me you and MN he asked me to go self employed so he wouldn't have to pay maternity leave and even though I'm no longer pregnant he is dithering about a contract still. This means no holidays and no sick leave and it leaves everyone free to dick around with my hours.

DP and I also had a rational conversation last night that basically meant if we want to do it properly and save for a baby and plan for it, it's going to e years and years before we can even start trying

BUT I applied for a job yesterday that would allow me to work with Holden with emotional and behavioural problems and that has really fired me up and got me excited, and I've just woken up from a lovely long sleep with DP and re cat and feel refreshed and more positive than I have been for a long time

I hope everybody is feeling ok today

I'm like this about daughters. I think in some messed up way I'm trying to replace my dead mother. When I had Dd I searched her face and her personality for traces of my mother and couldn't (of course) find her. I'm pg now with a boy and I know what's going to happen. I want another little girl and I know why. I fear this could run and run.

Twll Hiya!

Sorry to hear about your work problems -- is there anyone you could talk to about this, to see if this is all kosher? It doesn't sound right, not even getting any sick leave despite working there long-term...

You can tell your boss too that nowadays they are really strict about self-employed status -- they won't let you claim it if you are basically doing the work of a normally employed person. So that's probably not even an option.

Glad you are feeling okay today
Maybe see if you can narrow down 'years and years' to something more manageable? Sometimes you think you need more than you actually do to have a baby....

Rhubarb I'm sorry for your loss. Do you think it would help to talk to someone about it? If you think these feelings might go on and on...

You are not alone OP. I would love another baby, but I'm 41 (42 this year) and financially we can't afford to support 3. I just feel there's something missing, a gap in the family.

One word...Nature! Regular reproduction is quite natural in every other species. We have just decided to turn our backs on nature, and make our own way.

95% of the time I am sure that our family's complete. I have one of each, (one's left handed one's right handed) we're back on an even-ish keel financially, my body's my own again and yet there's a little voice in the back of my head that says "Oh but a BAYBEE!" I dread to think how loud that voice would be if I didn't have a Mirena in or what it might tell me to do with my pills!

DH is happy as we are, has offered to have a vasectomy but we both agreed he won't just in case we win the lottery because if our numbers came up I would have another one in a heartbeat! On the whole though I don't want to start all over in the baby stage again nor start paying out all that childcare again!

But then I remember how good DD was with DS when he was born, and I would love to see him be a big brother because I know he'd be just lovely and and and There'll be plenty of at this support quiche yes? Especially since all my friends seem to be planning on getting started on DC2 this year

Can I join too,

I have a 4yo ds and 3yo dd, they seem so grown up and independant and the 3yo is off to nursery school soon I had a mmc in december and there is a huge hole in our family for me, but pratically it has to stay that way for some time, I'm 23, dp 25 so times no issue but I don't want to start again in a few years, I'm that older dc and I feel very pushed out by my much younger siblings.

I was worried I was going mad I am so glad others feel the same. anyone?

Rhubarb that's really but I think it sort of makes sense - Saggy is right that we view our children and families in a different way to most of the rest of the natural world and it must be so easy to let all your feelings about different parts of your life merge in to one thing.

Bohemian I don't know really... he told me himself that he knows it's illegal and keeps promising me that he will put me on a contract, but it hasn't appeared as yet! The last three summers I have been on a contract, it was only this September that I went self employed because of the pregnancy. I am having a wibble about it though because I think I am suppsoed to be completing a tax reform

Skelacia that little voice is precisely why I don't trust myself to go on the PIll... and I'm at the age now where I think a lot of my friends are settling down and starting families, so I think will be needed! It annoys me because I moved in with DP when I was 19 whilst a lot of my friends stayed with their parents and as a consequence, they can now afford things that DP and I can't, because they made what seemed to be the right choice where me and DP made the easy choice.

Hi drippy you're definitely not going mad! Or if you are, so are we...

Thanks. Bohemian I probably should have talked my ishoos through with someone years ago. On the whole I'm fine, it's just the big gaping gap that can never be filled blah blah blah and being pg and having babies brings all the hormones out and puts the focus on family, which brings all the pain back to the fore.

It's very interesting how common it is to feel that making a new life will heal past wounds. If only it could.

I too yearn.

I am a similar age to you OP (33) and I too cannot imagine not ever having another baby, experiencing pregnancy, all that.

But reality says that I will never have another one for various reasons. Doesn't stop me feeling very broody though. I often walk up the baby products aisle and look very closely at all the things they sell.

I have a tube of Kamillosan which I use for dry skin patches and whenever I open it the smell takes me right back to when I was BF dd.

I am not sure it is broddiness for a new baby, but a desperate need to wind the clock back and start all over again with my dd, who is now 16 and growing up far too fast.

It is very hard.