Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not attend flaky friends wedding as she has let me down for the 10th fucking time.

80 replies

ENormaSnob · 19/01/2012 11:56

Have known flaky friend for nearly 20 years.

We are obviously still in touch although meeting up is sporadic. This doesn't bother me as I am busy with work, 3 kids and other stuff.

What does bother me is, 9 times out of 10, on the occasions we do arrange to meet she cancels at the last minute. Today a text at 1015 when I was due at hers at 1030, I had already left the house.

The lack of contact isn't an issue, I am neither lonely nor needy. I am working all weekend and could have used today to do something else. Instead I am left high and dry, as per fucking usual when I am supposed to see this friend Angry

She also missed a rather important celebration of mine last year, no notice given. Only response was when I text her a few days later to see why she hadn't bothered showing up.

So, her wedding is next month and at this minute I have no inclination to go. I am so fucking angry and, tbh, I think this friendship is over for me. I can no longer be arsed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
glassandahalf · 19/01/2012 18:10

Agree with albertsearingen, maybe she is trying to tell you something. Maybe she's hoping you won't find the venue on the wedding day.... Whatever, I wouldn't want to attend, particularly with no mutual friends there. Could you not politely decline, make some excuse about babysitting difficulties? It might be a relief to both of you if the friendship is allowed to fizzle out ... Smile

Collision · 19/01/2012 18:10

Sometimes you have to let people go and she sounds like one to let go.

She doesn't give a damn or she would have had the courtesy to cancel earlier and she does not seem bothered about how you feel.

Am sure your life will be the same or better without the stress.

Let her go.....................

Don't go to the wedding. Take DH away for the night!

Original poster
ENormaSnob · 19/01/2012 18:23

I thought maybe she was trying to tell me something but it was her that contacted me after I had left it the last time. Confused

Glass, the kids are invited so can't get past that.

OP posts:
runningwilde · 19/01/2012 18:27

Why on earth do you bother at all?! She obviously doesn't give a shit so why do you?!

glassandahalf · 19/01/2012 18:49

So the kids are invited too? Bingo! Then it wouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility for a couple of them to develop a tummy bug a few days before the wedding Wink. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to attend with poorly kids!

And she probably contacted you again this time out of a delayed sense of guilt over missing your 'do' last year. I really would try to use this as an opportunity to let the friendship go.

NorksAreMessy · 19/01/2012 18:54

Do you actually want to go?
All things considered, if you didn't have to consider what anyone thought, do you think it would be a good day out?

If yes, go
If no, don't go and tell her today that you have a subesquent engagement (spending the money you would have spent at the wedding on a weekend at CenterParcs :) )

Original poster
ENormaSnob · 19/01/2012 19:33

I'm not really that bothered about going one way or another tbh.

I will only know her and her family.

There are no mutual friends and, tbh, I think she only has about 3 friends inc me.

Not exactly a fun filled day especially with all 3 dc with us. However, I would have gone no hesitation to show my support but the last 2 let downs have enraged me.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 19/01/2012 19:58

Oh, then really, just don't go.
Send her a text right now, and then the pressure is off you.

Send her a telemessage bollox to read out on the day if they are going to do that sort of thing, and if that will stop you feeling bad, then spend the free day and free money having a lovely day out with your DH and DC, who almost certainly will prefer that to a booooooooooring wedding :)

Original poster
ENormaSnob · 19/01/2012 20:08

Thanks norks Smile

I am working all weekend so going to have a think and not act in haste.

It will be interesting to see if she contacts me too. I'm betting not.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 19/01/2012 20:12

I'll not take that bet. :)

The whole idea of 'supporting' a friend at her wedding is a bit odd in itself, and only really work if the friend needs supporting. She looks perfectly capable of looking after number one

Original poster
ENormaSnob · 19/01/2012 20:18

Oh yes I know what you mean re the support.

I won't actually support her as such but it feels a huge deal to not go to someones wedding iyswim?

Or maybe I could burst in at the lawful impediment bit Shock I've always fancied doing that.

OP posts:
marshmallowpies · 19/01/2012 20:40

In that case, give it the weekend to think things over, and if no reply to your text, no apology, no explanation, I'd send a polite but firm 'regretfully decline' response to the wedding.

ljgibbs · 20/01/2012 14:00

I think I'd send a text 15 minutes before the weddings due to start saying see how you like it when I do it to you you can't attend.

kerala · 20/01/2012 14:20

Brilliant (to ljgibbs!)

duckdodgers · 21/01/2012 11:16

Pirate, I would have brought it up but because contact is so sporadic it seemed churlish to bring up last times let down iyswim? Like that ship had sailed before the next meet up

Norma you wouldnt be churlish at all! Issues don't go away (they just get swept under the carpet) over a passage of time if they are not confronted, discussed and resolved or not as the case may be. Shes maybe relying on you thinking this that its not worth bringing up etc.

ImpOfThePerverse · 21/01/2012 12:07

In your shoes I'd like to just not turn up to the wedding but I think that does leave you partially in the wrong.

If you text and cancel now you've not let her down at the last minute and she'd be the petty one if she tried to bitch about you.

Turning up if you're still unhappy with her would just be pointless and counter-productive.

yellowraincoat · 21/01/2012 12:12

Maybe she hasn't treated you very well, but not turning up to her wedding out of spite is just childish. I can see why you don't want to go, but why would you want to cause bad feeling on her wedding day?

Just go and re-evaluate the friendship afterwards.

changeforthebetter · 21/01/2012 12:18

I think you sound very reasonable - not least because you are on here, having a well-deserved rant and a think-through.

I like the tummy bug idea is good, or the completely open "Look, you have been behaving like an arse. Is there a particular reason?" approach.

Actually, I wouldn't bother with the latter. IMHO people who are totally self-absorbed fail to recognise that their actions affect others and don't really care anyway (but I am a grumpy old witch Grin)

Catsmamma · 21/01/2012 12:27

I think she is relying on your good will and manners not to cause a scene

in your position I'd be so pee'd off by now! I would probably message her to say since she had not bothered to show you the venue as promised you still have no idea where you are going and cannot be arsed don't want to get lost and won't be coming

but I do know that is quite petty :D But I don't think petty is always bad ;)

BalloonSlayer · 21/01/2012 13:36

Hmm.

Haven't read the whole thread but someone I knew committed suicide, which was a great shock to all who knew her.

A closer friend to her than I said that in retrospect the only thing sign that she had ever shown in public of her severe depression was her frequently cancelling planned social events at the last minute. Sad

I had another friend years back who suffered from severe anxiety, she would often cancel at the last minute too.

TheSecondComing · 21/01/2012 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 21/01/2012 14:07

I wouldn't go to the wedding and would end the friendship. It doesn't sound as though you are getting much out of the friendship.

ImperialBlether · 21/01/2012 14:25

I wouldn't go and to be honest, I don't think I'd bother telling her. I know how rude that sounds, but she did exactly the same to you and it's time she knows how that feels.

Tinkerisdead · 24/01/2012 17:32

Enorma, have you heard from her? Have you decided what to do?

Original poster
ENormaSnob · 24/02/2012 11:08

Well I went to the wedding, took a gift and had a distinctly mediocre day.

No contact since.

Glad I went as I would've felt guilty otherwise.

Noticeably, she had no friends there. Only family and her dh's friends. Maybe she has treated everyone like shit.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread