AIBU to not attend flaky friends wedding as she has let me down for the 10th fucking time.

[ENormaSnob]

Have known flaky friend for nearly 20 years.

We are obviously still in touch although meeting up is sporadic. This doesn't bother me as I am busy with work, 3 kids and other stuff.

What does bother me is, 9 times out of 10, on the occasions we do arrange to meet she cancels at the last minute. Today a text at 1015 when I was due at hers at 1030, I had already left the house.

The lack of contact isn't an issue, I am neither lonely nor needy. I am working all weekend and could have used today to do something else. Instead I am left high and dry, as per fucking usual when I am supposed to see this friend

She also missed a rather important celebration of mine last year, no notice given. Only response was when I text her a few days later to see why she hadn't bothered showing up.

So, her wedding is next month and at this minute I have no inclination to go. I am so fucking angry and, tbh, I think this friendship is over for me. I can no longer be arsed.

AIBU?

I would go to the wedding, as long as it was convenient and wouldn't cost too much. After that, I would slip out of her life quietly. Making a stand over a wedding makes you look like the bad guy; this friendship sounds as if it needs ending painlessly. Making stands just prolongs things.

No she hasn't responded to my text.

Hopefully I will have chilled the fuck out by the time it comes to the wedding.

I think I will go (if I can find the venue ) but then that will be it.

I am going to ring her later but I bet she doesn't answer.

And incidentally, how did she respond when you challenged her about not turning up at your celebration last year, and not bothering to tell you beforehand?

She really does sound a bit shoite, ENorma.

i would say i was going, so she catered for me, and then not turn up

and then feel smug all day long on the day :)

She didn't turn up on the night, no text or call, nothing. I text her a few days later to ask why she hadn't bothered coming. She gave me a bullshit excuse and I never replied. I had decided to leave it then as this was only one episode of her cancelling etc.

Fast forward to after christmas, she texts me to say she misses me, I am her oldest friend etc. We arrange today.

She cancels 15 minutes before we are due to meet. I was en route.

I am still really angry.

Her wedding is in 2 weeks.

I am not a twat and won't just not show.

However, I will not be taken for a twat either. And she is treating me like a twat.

x posts camberwick.

Not insinuating you are a twat

Sometimes there just comes a point when you just can't put up with the flakiness any more. It's wearing and you realise you just don't believe or care about the latest bunch of excuses.

Does she actually acknowledge her behavior is crap? By all means go to the wedding, retain the high ground your dignity and then you can simply be unavailable for her in future.

I had a friend like this and had to finish the friendship because of it. It's rude, selfish, inconsiderate and you just don't need that sort of crap from people.

What did your text say?

I have a friend like this, unfortunately I work with her so it makes it harder just to cut her off without her coming up and apologising all the time and saying it wont happen again grr

she always cancels meet ups outside of work, usually when I've already arrived at the coffee shop or whatever.

I hate flaky people.

My text said 'FFS X, I was already on the way'

I left it at that as I was so angry.

She hasn't replied.

Unless there's a bloody good reason for a last minute cancellation then it's rude and disrespectful. It's like she's waving a placard that says "Your time and effort is unimportant to me".

On top of her DNAing your celebration, and having form for mucking you about, then it would not be unreasonable to attend the wedding and then just leave it - no follow up or attempts at contact on your behalf.

That's how I feel sidge, like my time is so unimportant. It's bloody not though, I have a demanding job and 3 dc. I could have done so many other things today

I am getting even angrier when I read it back on this thread. I thought I may have been over reacting, but actually, I think it's a huge deal.

Should I go to the wedding or shall I tell her tonight that I won't be going?

It is not far so dh will drive, I don't know where abouts it is as part of todays plan was she was going to show me. We have suitable clothes so no expense there. I would take a gift and pay for drinks all day so not cheap really.

What if i'm sat seething and not wishing them well?

Draw a line. Sod the wedding. Don't go. Don't contact her again. I would be fuming in your shoes I really would how she has behaved is just not on. You have been really forbearing so far but you have finally reached the end of the line I think - would have happened a much sooner if it had been me you are obviously a nicer person than I am .

If I was still angry I would text or ring the week before to say not going, if calm I would go. no point going and seething with resentment all day thats just a waste of time and money. tbh though you need to have 'the chat' or write to her telling her how all these incidents have left you feeling and either sort it out or agree to end the friendship.

YANBU.

Either go or don't but I wouldn't feel at all bad about not going.
Don't buy her a gift.

Let the friendship go after that I wouldn't contact her and if she contacts you how about you cancel at the evry last minute?

I had a friend like this and I don't bother any more. recently she got intouch via a third party and suggested a night out, i agrred and guess what she has cancelled!!!!!
i will rearrange but only because the third party is going.

Personally i'd go to the wedding to prove that you are the bigger person and that you respect the occasion etc. If you kick up a fuss beforehand then she's likely to be all 'two weeks before my wedding you chuck this at me, a friend would realise what pressure im under' blah blah bridezilla etc.

You're not in the wrong at all here but i'd attend the wedding then walk away. You say you've been friends for 20years. Get some closure, see her married and walk away with your head held high that you were always there when it mattered. But after that dont bother.

There's not a possibility she has depression or anxiety is there? I went through a phase of extreme anxiety where I just COULDN'T leave the house. People would arrange to meet me, and I'd psyche myself up and then not be able to go.

Could you maybe have a chat and make sure it's nothing like this before you dump her?

i would have brought it up with her well before now, not going to her big day as a stand off is selfish.

ENorma - your anger is absolutely palpable on this thread and for that reason I think you shouldn't go, actually. Cancelling you are the very last minute again today is the straw that broke the camel's back. Time to let this friendship go - it is not actually doing anything for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with detaching yourself from people who bring out negative feelings in you - infact it is a healthy thing to do.

I would tell her now that you won't attend her wedding but that you have given her enough notice for it not to spoil her plans. Unlike her. And then just forget about her if you can.

Going to her wedding would be awkward and pointless. If you had loads of mutual friends it might be fun but you don't, so it will be tedious and you will be full of resentment anyway. She isn't going to change so why should you make the effort to go? She isn't going to reciprocate your kindness by suddenly starting to show up for things. Just why bother?

Maybe she's being more crap than normal as she's getting married in a fortnight? I'd go to wedding as long as not lots of expense and them quietly drop her. You don't want to have a big falling out and burn your bridges by pulling out of wedding this late in the day.

I would say don't make any decisions for at least 48 hours! You are right to be pissed off but I'd let the pissed-offness subside before deciding.

Presumably, she hasn't blown you out at the last minute during the whole 20 years you've known her? Do you still have anything in common/still get on when you do talk meet?

Sometimes, yes, a friendship does have to be allowed to just wither & die if life has moved on so much that there's very little common ground/effort from the other party BUT if you do still have a laugh/feel comfortable in each others company & the cancelling at the last gasp is a relatively recent phenomenon, then I'd be inclined to put it down to pre-wedding flakiness, have "the chat" & see where you end up.

Of otoh, she's been like this for the best part of the 20 years (& it's come to be a bigger deal to you because you have more time pressures on you), then she's unlikely to change.

Basically, hold fire until you're calmer & can consider the overall picture of the last 20 years!

Pirate, I would have brought it up but because contact is so sporadic it seemed churlish to bring up last times let down iyswim? Like that ship had sailed before the next meet up.

Thinking back, she has been like this for the last 5/6 years so not really to do with the wedding. I guess today is just the last straw, especially after letting me down so badly re my celebration.

Yellow, I am 99.9% sure there is no anxiety issue. In fact the excuse today was she had to nip elsewhere.

Thank you for your replies.

I think she might be trying to tell you something. I wouldn't bother with the wedding and I wouldn't bother with her ever again. Why would you? You've tried to keep up the friendship and she hasn't so don't bother. I drew a quiet line under a long term friendship a few years ago and it was a weight off my shoulders. It just wasn't worth all the dramas and hassles and let downs. No need to make a big deal just don't bother with her. If you have accepted the invitation just write and tell her that unfortunately you won't be able to come now.

I've got a friend like this.

A few years ago I had the talk with myself about whether it was worth keeping up the friendship and decided that it was, as she is really good fun (when she turns up) and I always enjoy spending time with her. But I resolved never to put myself out for her and never to arrange to meet her any where/time that it would cause me an inconvenience if she cancelled - basically I withdrew without totally cutting off contact.

I don't see her that much and it's become mainly a Facebook friendship, but we still have a great time when we do meet up, and I don't feel resentful or unappreciated.

Works for me for us to be friends on a far more superficial level, but I guess its not for every friendship.

(Oh, and in this case she has lots of friends and does it to everyone, so I choose not to take it all that personally - not any more anyway).