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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not attend flaky friends wedding as she has let me down for the 10th fucking time.

80 replies

ENormaSnob · 19/01/2012 11:56

Have known flaky friend for nearly 20 years.

We are obviously still in touch although meeting up is sporadic. This doesn't bother me as I am busy with work, 3 kids and other stuff.

What does bother me is, 9 times out of 10, on the occasions we do arrange to meet she cancels at the last minute. Today a text at 1015 when I was due at hers at 1030, I had already left the house.

The lack of contact isn't an issue, I am neither lonely nor needy. I am working all weekend and could have used today to do something else. Instead I am left high and dry, as per fucking usual when I am supposed to see this friend Angry

She also missed a rather important celebration of mine last year, no notice given. Only response was when I text her a few days later to see why she hadn't bothered showing up.

So, her wedding is next month and at this minute I have no inclination to go. I am so fucking angry and, tbh, I think this friendship is over for me. I can no longer be arsed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 19/01/2012 11:58

YaNbu don't go.

aldiwhore · 19/01/2012 11:58

Have you ever had the big chat? If not, time to talk. If you have, maybe time to say goodbye.

squeakytoy · 19/01/2012 12:00

Well if she cancels her wedding at the last minute, the fall-out on the day should be quite interesting... I would go just in case she doesnt turn up! Grin

Cherriesarelovely · 19/01/2012 12:03

YANB at all U but if you value the friendship it might be worth telling her how you feel. We all get busy and have to cancel sometimes but when it is most of the time and at the last minute it is not on. I don't think anyone would blame you for not going to the wedding.

Original poster
ENormaSnob · 19/01/2012 12:04

No I haven't aldi.

We may not have plans again until april/may and by then this let down will be over and done iyswim.

She knew I was pissed off when she didn't attend, or bother to let me know she wasn't coming, to my celebration. Today would have been the first time I have seen her since then.

I don't really want to phone now as i'm way too angry. Have text a brief, arsey message though Blush

OP posts:
Vix286 · 19/01/2012 12:04

YANBU to say friendship is over, but personally being a wimp, I would go to the wedding and then not bother with her after that.

A wedding is a big thing to just not turn up, and if you have accepted an invite then you are just as bad as her by not going.

I find with these sorts of "friends" and I have had some too, if you don't contact them, then they just drift away. Her behaviour has been bad, she's not worth your time or effort anymore.

Original poster
ENormaSnob · 19/01/2012 12:06

Grin squeaky.

I know that people need to cancel, and plans need to change from time to time but honestly, this is easily 90% of the time with her.

Always at short notice too which makes it worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
ENormaSnob · 19/01/2012 12:10

Thats what I thought Vix.

I am not a wimp at all but not turning up to a wedding is rude and makes me as bad as her.

On the other hand I am reluctant to make the effort and spend the ££££ for someone who blatantly doesn't give a shoite.

I would have left contact after the big let down over my celebration but she contacted me after christmas.

OP posts:
Earlybird · 19/01/2012 12:14

What was her reason for canceling today?

In some ways, almost doesn't matter because it appears there is a pattern. But wondering if her excuse today seemed legitimate?

Also, given that she has this tendency, she will probably view it as 'no big deal' because you've been ok with it in the past (doesn't excuse her at all - I would feel the same as you). Does she do this to other friends also?

Maybe in future, only see her at group gatherings so it doesn't matter much if she shows up late/cancels.

Jajas · 19/01/2012 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PostBellumBugsy · 19/01/2012 12:20

No, you should go. Don't give her a gift and drink & eat as much as you possibly can!

Lueji · 19/01/2012 12:23

I'm with PostBellumBugsy. Grin

It's free food and entertainment, after all.

Or cancel at the last minute, when the venue has already been paid for.

Original poster
ENormaSnob · 19/01/2012 12:29

It is just another in a long list of excuses tbh.

Not a reason I would have cancelled plands for. Nor were the last excuses.

Maybe she does see it as no big deal but she knows I was angry the last time.

I wouldn't see her at group thing as we don't have any mutual friends. She only has 1 or 2 other pals and mainly sees her mum, sister and sil.

OP posts:
heyannie · 19/01/2012 12:30

I would go (if I didn't have to spend a fortune on travel/hotel), but I do love a wedding. No need to buy a new outfit or anything. I wouldn't buy a gift, maybe just a card with a non-bitchy "best wishes for your married life", then not bother attempting to contact her after that. It would probably fizzle out, but a wedding is a nice full stop to it, I suppose. But I don't think you would be being unreasonable to decline the invitation and not bother with her again.

duckdodgers · 19/01/2012 12:30

Everyone has to change their palns every now and then but if you have detected a pattern then she is obviously rude and inconsiderate. So text her with 15 minutes to go till her wedding and say you wont be coming. Bye bye friendship obviousy but doesnt sound like any great loss.

civilfawlty · 19/01/2012 12:33

I wouldn't go, but I would officially decline rather than just not show up.

Seems reasonable to me to rationalise one's friendships at this point in life-I am busy and barely have the time to see the good friends I have, let alone be messed about by unreliable pals.

Vix286 · 19/01/2012 12:38

Oh, so she contacted you?

If it was me, I'd go to the wedding, not buy her a gift or just not spend lots and then if she contacts you after the wedding have the conversation about the let downs?

I can understand why you are so angry with her, like someone else asked, does she do this to others? If so and she isn't likely to change then give up on it as you don't need to waste your time with someone like this.

I hate it when I have friend who are always late, let alone ones who cancel with 15 minutes notice. (I recognise the late thing is my problem as someone who always arrives somewhere at least 20 minutes early....Smile )

marshmallowpies · 19/01/2012 12:39

Depends what the wedding is going to cost you personally...e.g. travel, overnight stay, outfit...if you can get home the same evening and already have a nice outfit, turn up, be super nice to everyone and life and soul of the party, then swan off into the sunset.

That leaves the ball firmly in her court - if you haven't heard so much as a peep or a thank you note 3 months after the wedding I think you can safely write her off as a friend.

FetchezLaVache · 19/01/2012 12:44

Don't do anything re the wedding that would bring you down to the level of a shitty friend yourself- i.e. IMO you should either decline the wedding invitation now, or go wholeheartedly (and bearing gifts). Has she responded to your brief, arsey message?

Original poster
ENormaSnob · 19/01/2012 12:49

No she hasn't.

I have no idea if she does this to others as we have no mutual friends.

I wouldn't just not turn up, I would obviously give notice.

If I do decide to go then I will take a gift, as I would have done pre-rage.

Part of our plans for today was she was going to show me where the wedding and reception are as i'm not sure where i'm going and didn't want to get lost on the day.

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 19/01/2012 12:55

I know it is free food and drink, but it's a day of your life you won't get back. I would let her know that you're not able to attend.

I have friends like these, but their cancellation rate is 100%! I don't know why they stay in touch, but they do. I have taken to responding to their gushing texts of "we really must get together" with, "yes we must!" and leaving the to do organising. Oddly enough, it never happens!

It's weird, because the pattern of behaviour with cancelling and never being the ones to organise a get together suggests they don't like me, but they stay in touch.

LydiaWickham · 19/01/2012 12:59

Tell her you can't attend, be formal and polite, something else has come up, you have a clash etc.

Then you haven't been in the wrong and not just turned up, but don't have to spend a lot of money going to a wedding of someone you've decided not to bother with anymore.

then be suitably busy everytime she suggests meeting up, but of course people like this don't tend to make the plans in the first place, so you can just leave it and you're friendship will die a natural death.

wineandroses · 19/01/2012 13:00

Do you think you'll still feel angry by the time of the wedding? If you know you'll have calmed down by then, and that you might actually have a nice time at the wedding, then go. But next time she contacts you, you really need to have the converstion about why she keeps cancelling and how it makes you feel.

Has she responded to your text yet?

Proudnscary · 19/01/2012 13:40

Don't go - but decline politely and in good time. If you don't you will forever be the baddie and you will probably feel a bit stupid in time.

MooncupGoddess · 19/01/2012 13:43

Nothing as annoying as flakey people... it's just such selfish behaviour.

If you don't have mutual friends then probably the wedding wouldn't be much fun for you anyway? Agree with others, send her a nice email saying that something has come up and you can't come to the wedding, then a card for the actual day.

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