that we should fall out over this

[hellokittyrules]

i meet up with a couple of friends every friday at least i try and go i find social situations very hard. i maybe see them once amnth
anyway went to friends house last friday
dd2 is 3 years old this week she kept saying that she needed the loo so was up and down about 8 times only did one wee in that time!!
the last time she went up i let her go on her own bad mistake!!
she came into the lounge and announced that she had poo on her hands and showed me
so headed straight upstairs to sort out problem only to find my friend whose house it was had already found messy bathroom - was a tiny bit of poo on wall abit ob floor and loo seat.
we both cleaned it up with wipes and i had to clean dds filthy bum and hands
anyway cleaned up then went downstairs
by this time is was gone 5pm when i usually leave as girls need there tea
and also thought i had better go as dd2s hands still had poo on even though i had wiped them
was expecting friend to follow she came down 5 mins later!!
was waiting for her so i could say goodbye
anyway left all ok
texted at 9pm that eve to say so sorry
got a reply sat aft to say she wasreally cross that i didnt say sorry and that atext 3 hours later isnt good enough
and why was i running out the door would i have even said goodbye if i hadnt come down
i texted back saying so sorry if i didnt apologise as i thought i had and i am not very good in situations
and that i wasnt running away
she alsosaid that she had better not come round fri i had offered my housefor fri
havent had a response !! nowwhat

hellokitty please take onboard Anyfucker's comment about an apology with a 'but' behind it, not sounding like an apology. It will change your life.

It may seem to you like you are explaining, but it comes off to the other person as excuses and that you're not really sorry.

If you learn the art of good, graceful apologising, it will serve you in good stead forever. I am was very tactless in RL and while a lot of the time I might think 'well, it's only the truth', it doesn't matter - it's how the other person perceives it. That's art of being socially aware - being able to see things from the other person's point of view.

Honestly, you can get away with murder with a graceful, prompt apology.

If you can't face a phone call (and I have every sympathy) but want to save the friendship, a PP suggested a letter with two very simple unqualified apologies. That's graceful, that will draw a line under it all.

The poo isn't the point: the apology is.

Eek, my turn to apologise - it was actually OffDownTheGardenToEatWorms posts!

my new passion [ grin]

ww - very helpful [hmmm]
you are kidding - thankyou some useful info
thebigjessie- i did care
fuzzy - finally someone who understands how i see it!!
emsy
hardgoing - thankyou
thesecond coming - she found the mess first so started cleaning on her own back then gave me wipes no mention of toiletrees metioned
pocpoc - my friend wasnt in the loundge when my dd came down with poo on her hands she was in the kitchen she then went upstairs to use the loo just before i went upstairs to sort out mess, i was in the bathroom with her we both started cleaning together
i said thankyou for helping me clean before i left
there was only a tiny bit of poo on wall by loo,small bit on floor and tiny bit on loo seat

at the end of the day poo is poo!!!

just do something nice for your friend.... it may have been a bit of poo but yor friend doesnt see it that way, do you actually want to keep this friendship??? it doesn't matter how much poo, were it ws and who cleaned up the most and who was where.... if you want to keep this friendship you need to act x

i feel that the texts were efficent

I think, that it is probably seeing you on the doorstep about to do a bolt on the grounds that "I have to get home to do their tea" which may have inflamed what is, to be honest, just the sort of pooey incident most of us who've had toddlers are pretty immune to.

I suspect your social anxieties produced that response but a more sympathetic friend who have picked up on this before. However, I would say that it is always better to deal with a situation, in person, even if it does make you a little late, than to disappear and attempt to sort things by text.

But don't beat yourself up. These things happen.

I think the 'friend' is over-reacting somewhat, but I do know that these kind of things can happen - I have two friends who fell out (although did eventually make up) because one friend thought that the apology after one child thwacked the other one (causing an bump to appear on forehead) was not 'heartfelt' enough and was miffed about a throwaway 'how is he?' text received later that night.

I also know that people have different standards of cleanliness - maybe that was the case here? I had a friend whose DD squatted and did a poo on my bathroom floor. My DS alerted us, we both rushed in and my friend's effort at cleaning up began and ended with toilet roll. Now for me, that wasn't enough, but I had the grace to wait until they had left before getting the flash out, as I didn't want to mortify my friend (nor her DD) any more than she already was.

Just follow the advice given by previous posters to give an unreserved fullsome apology, both for the incident, and for subsequently handling it badly, and if she is a friend worth keeping, she should forgive you.

thankyou ladies will be forgetting about it for now

I am absolutely certain you care! I truly believe you. But you need to make sure she feels you cared.

Now, I'm not your friend, so this may be totally unhelpful. I think the following would appease me "I'm terribly sorry I just rushed off like that. It was so abrupt. I was panicking about my toddler making more of a mess, and I needed to get her properly cleaned up at home. I didn't realise until now that I was being rude, because of the panicking".

Fellow MNers, adjust, alter, and polish, please!

jessie I think the OP got the affirmation she wanted from fuzzy and is done with this thread now.

but I liked your apology

If it was a tiny but of poi, how would it take two people to clear it up

Poo

Friends aren't horrible to each other. Don't be her friend. She was horrible to you. Don't spend our time with people who make you feel uncomfortable. I would never treat a friend like your friend treated you.

KeSnowBi thanks! I hope you're wrong about the OP though...

OP, this is your life. You can "leave it for now" if you want. Just, please, think about why you're leaving it. Is it because you don't want the friendship? Or are you metaphorically running away from it, as you did on Friday, because you're not sure what to do?

I can't deny that apologising will be very awkward. But you might be glad you'd done it afterwards.

Well I think I've just realized I'm a lot more laid back than I thought I was! My response to the first text would have been "that's ok, poo happens!". Talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill! I really can't fathom how a five minute poo cleaning job could result in a situation like this. I wouldn't dream of treating a friend this way just because they left in a hurry, but then I value my friends.

thankyou nibled and cheese
my thoughts excatly

The texts from you to her weren't the best. Putting an exclamation mark at the end of every sentence in that context looks like you are shouting and getting defensive. They weren't great as apologies.

OP I think you are getting rough deal here. OK so maybe there are ways you could have handled the situation a bit more perfectly but for goodness sake friends have to give a bit of leeway and be understanding of how you felt, surely?

If that had happened in my house it wouldn't bother me. Not that I love helping to clean up poo, but I really wouldn't give the incident a second thought, would not expect an apology and it certainly would not affect a friendship at all!

I think you just need to find a different group of people to hang out with. All this over poo, what a waste of energy!

Long thread.

I can understand that she wasn't happy to walk into her bathroom and find poo spread about.

But I can't understand why she gave you wipes to clean the wall with before you cleaned your child.

Surely any decent person would want to know the child involved was clean and happy first!?

Perhaps you were flustered and didn't apologise. But a good friend, especially a good friend who has a child of their own, would have been saying "It's alright, you just see to her and don't worry about it."

It's only poo. It washes off.

I think by now it's your friend who owes you the apology.

thanku crap and noone

she has replied said it wont end r friendship
she was just upset about my behaviour
i texted sorry
she texted thanku

I'm with the minority opinion (again). Your friend was ungracious and inhospitable, and for her to be huffy over your apology is churlish.

Your child made a mess in her bathroom. You did your best to clean it and her up, and your hostess continued finishing the job off.

You said goodbye and left, obviously embarrassed.

If I had been the hostess I'd be thinking about how awkward you must be feeling and trying to make you feel better.

In fact someone visiting my house once changed their baby on our changing table, said baby then proceeded to expel liquid poo at great velocity over the opposite wall, which then flowed rapidly downwards, over the skirting and onto the carpet. Baby continued to loudly and explosively projectile poo faster than she could wipe / attempt to put on new nappy. She didn't know what to do first and was clearly mortified.

I laughed, helped her sort out the baby first, took the wipes out of her hands and finished the cleanup myself.

And although our newly painted nursery wall was never the same, I wouldn't have done anything to make her feel worse than she already did. Poor woman!

glad it's sorted, kitty

I know it's sorted, Kitty, which is great, but honestly all the texting would have done my nut in if I was your friend!

I think what you should try to learn from this, rather than clearing up shit properly, is to keep calm, wait and think before you communicate - and perhaps communicate by phoning not texting.

It's not a crime - nor is it unusual - to be sociallly awkward but you can't expect everyone to be mindful of that all the time. So, for example, if you panic inawkward situations like this and run away, you will appear rude without that being your intention. If you bombard someone with texts because you are racked with guilt and worry, it will feel like harrassment - not a valued and wanted apology.

And if your first text had been an adequate (and by that I don't mean OTT or histronic) apology and you had waited for her to calm down and reply, it would have been far less stressful for you.