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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking about relocating - AIBU?

58 replies

northcountrygirl · 15/01/2012 23:38

Have 3 children. Eldest 2 are twins (boy and girl) and just about to transfer to high school. It's the "best" high school in my town. Youngest DD is just about to start primary. Again (if we get in - which we probably will) it's a really good school - 3rd highest on league tables. Good ofsted report etc.

Problem is - my town is an absolute shit hole. It really is. No nice way of saying this. I went into town today with the girls and I couldn't believe how bad it's got - loads of pound shops. a "brighthouse", pay day loan shops, ambulance chaser solicitors etc etc. I've looked at the predictions for the town and it's not going to get any better.

At the moment we live in what is considered the best postcode in the town. But we are a "pocket" surrounded by deprived areas in a bloody horrible town. The plan was always to move out of the area but we were originally going to wait until the children had finished their education. I'm now rethinking that. I just don't feel that I want to give my 11 year olds the freedom that I had - because of the area I live in. I know a lot of their friends go to town on their own, and go to the cinema etc on their own but I just don't think the area we live in is safe enough.

I've been looking at houses in areas that I want to live. We would have to downsize considerably, but I really feel it would be worth it to live in a "nice" neighbourhood. We could afford to make this move now - albeit that the children would have to accept smaller bedrooms.

Should I do it now? Or wait until they have left school? (Children are DD1 -11, DS1 -11 and DD2 4).

What would others do?

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 15/01/2012 23:43

Tricky one. I don't let my dcs out and about the way I did but then again I'm a totally different unselfish parent to mine.

I moved my dss when ds1 was already into yr8. We moved towns and it was a big shift but he was ok and has made lots of new friends, plus kept in touch with others. I did discuss it with him first though. Is this something you could do?

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2012 23:46

I'm confused Confused

All you've mentioned about the area you live in, are the shopping facilities?

What is the crime rate like? What are the people like? How does the deprivation in your surrounding areas affect you and your family?

ComposHat · 15/01/2012 23:51

bad it's got - loads of pound shops. a "brighthouse", pay day loan shops, ambulance chaser solicitors etc etc

Let me guess, it's Tunbridge Wells you live in isn't it?

squeakytoy · 16/01/2012 00:04

Even the "poshest" areas have those shops now. They are the only people making money who are brave enough to open up a new shop anywhere in the current economic climate.

Your next "nice" neighourbourhood could soon change. We had a M & S local a couple of years ago.. in it's place is now a PoundShop.. and even that is considering closing down too.

I do see your point, and YANBU, but think very carefully before uprooting your kids from the friends and area that they already know. If you raise your kids with enough awareness, they will have the sense to avoid the risky areas.

Original poster
northcountrygirl · 16/01/2012 00:05

Ok - crime rates are rising, particularly car crime, burglary and assault. The police helicopter seems to be permenantly hovering above my house.

People - I have friends here and they are all lovely of course. My daughters friends are all lovely too. My sons friends, on the other hand are bloody horrible.They have particularly unpleasant views and unfortunately some of it has rubbed off on my son.

The deprivation hasn't really affected us yet. Other than the above comment about my son.

OP posts:
bookbird · 16/01/2012 00:07

You could be me northcountrygirl. YANBU at all. You just want the best for your DCs. Are your schools good schools or best of a bad bunch? That's what it would come down to for me.

Original poster
northcountrygirl · 16/01/2012 00:07

I wish it was Tunbridge Wells! Grin

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/01/2012 00:10

I think boys are generally obnoxious at the age of 11 wherever they are.. it is their default setting to be as gobby and antagonistic as possible, and be very competitive with each other as to who can be the toughest, mouthiest, and hardest... It lasts till they are about 25, and I would say it is the same no matter where you live.

Original poster
northcountrygirl · 16/01/2012 00:13

squeakytoy - tbh honest I don't think I have raised them with enough awareness. They're really quite "sheltered". I've been a bit blinkered and I thought we lived in a nice area but it's just not.

And I am worried about uprooting them as my son was bullied really badly a year ago, but now he's got some nice friends (becuase I forced them upon him through knowing the parents).

OP posts:
Original poster
northcountrygirl · 16/01/2012 00:17

Maybe you're right squeakytoy. I just find them very rude and I would be mortified if my own son spoke to other parents the way his friends speak to me.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/01/2012 00:18

I would stay put then to be honest.

Starting a new school is daunting to any kid, and being a new area, knowing nobody is very hard.

11 is certainly the right age to "unshelter" them gradually.. give them more freedom, while keeping a close eye on it.

Where we live was a really nice area 10 years ago, and it has certainly gone down an awful lot in the last few years, but the decent people are still here too, and they still will be where you live.

Encourage your boy to join the local scouts maybe.. this may sound snobby, but the boys who are part of the scouts round here are not hanging on street corners, and are generally decent kids.

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2012 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 16/01/2012 00:21

They possibly dont speak to their parents in the way they speak to you, and are just pushing boundaries. Pull them up on it. I certainly did with my stepsons mates, and they knew they couldnt be lippy to me.

Kids do generally respect authority when it is dished out with friendliness too, even if it something they are not used to in their own homes.

Original poster
northcountrygirl · 16/01/2012 00:21

bookbird - I think they are "good schools" rather than best of a bad bunch. But that's cos the 2 square miles we live in is nice.

OP posts:
OldMumsy · 16/01/2012 00:24

Move to a village, I did and it's fab.

Original poster
northcountrygirl · 16/01/2012 00:29

squeakytoy - my son had to leave scouts cos it was too rough for him. Honestly! He went to beavers and loved it but then when he moved up to scouts he did his promise and everything, but after 2 weeks he begged me to let him leave as all the other boys were "too rough".

He's my son and I love him to bits but he's more into his dancing, drawing and gymnastics and violin than rough and tumble.

I need to get him back to scouts don't I - just reading that back?

OP posts:
ComposHat · 16/01/2012 00:32

Would I be rude/nosey to enquire where it is?

Most high streets are struggling thanks to out of town shopping centres and the general economic downturn, so a lot in 'nice' areas are now looking really run down. I live in Edinburgh for most of the year and it seems the only shops opening up are Tartan Tat shops, bookies, nail bars and dodgy looking mobile phone shops.

Likewise crime rates inevitably go up in times of economic depression. Looking at them is the best way to scare yourself silly without good cause (if it is any comfort it has been a general downward trend in the past 20 years)

I suppose it comes down to whether you'd be able to sell your house in the next few months before your kids are due to start their new schools, (Obv. less of a problem if you rent) It would make what is a difficult time for them even harder, if they are yanked out of their new schools a few weeks into their first terms.

To be honest I would look at what you've got (friends, settled kids, decent schools) and value them, rather than worrying about abstract threats.

PS. Prepubescent and pubescent boys are almost de facto horrible wherever you go, especially when they are roaming in packs. Luckily they grow out of it at the age of 27 or so given time.

Original poster
northcountrygirl · 16/01/2012 00:34

worra - thanks for that. Food for thought, and reassuring. The problem I have is that I don't think I have brought my kids up to be streetwise enough. I know I can correct this though. I suppose this is important wherever you live.

OP posts:
Original poster
northcountrygirl · 16/01/2012 00:36

ComposHat - It's Hudersfield. I know - say no more Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
northcountrygirl · 16/01/2012 00:36

I can spell Huddersfield really

OP posts:
ComposHat · 16/01/2012 00:37

my son had to leave scouts cos it was too rough for him

That's what I remember from Scouts, they seemed to spend the time rolling around on the floor with one another, in a scarcely suppressed expression of latent homo-eroticism 'play fighting' broken up by the occasional game of British Bulldogs.

Again that will be the same where ever you go.

Original poster
northcountrygirl · 16/01/2012 00:39

Compos - I very much doubt wether I'd be able to sell my house quickly either. it's pretty stagnant round here.

OP posts:
hohohoshedittant · 16/01/2012 00:40

worraliberty does the school have the initials RC?

ComposHat · 16/01/2012 00:43

I actually really like Huddersfield (my oldest friend lives there.) Much prefer it to Halifax where he used to live.

I know it has a few iffy area, but it does have some great things gong for it and seems like a nice place to raise children.

Lovely countryside, nice real ale pub by the station. Lovely Park that has been wonderfully refurbished (especially the model railway). Some really great Victorian buildings too.

squeakytoy · 16/01/2012 00:47

I wouldnt say you need to get him back to scouts.. he sounds like he knows what his interests and hobbies are, and no doubt in time he will gravitate to mates who are also into the same things. So long as he is happy, and doing stuff that he enjoys, then that sounds fine to me.