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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking I am NOT a drain on society?

98 replies

OtherPeoplesChildren · 15/01/2012 13:22

I've been left feeling very low after some comments from my neighbour, the most hurtful one implying that I am a 'drain on society'. I would be interested to know if her take on my situation is a common one.
I am a single foster carer for children with emotional and behavioural problems, which I love. I gave up a good career to do this and now claim income support and housing benefit because the children I foster need me at home. I also have a DS who gets the 'perks' of having a parent on IS - free school meals etc. But obviously, he also has to share his parent with some pretty challenging other children. I save the state thousands of pounds a year as these children would be in residential care if they weren't fostered. My neighbour, who no doubt reads the Daily Mail, seems to think I spend all day watching Jeremy Kyle and eating biscuits. I suspect it has recently dawned on her that I claim benefits and she is annoyed by that. Clearly she doesn't know the reality of what I do (little sleep, no end of meetings, often on the receiving end of children's outbursts etc) and I think is probably just a bit jealous of the fact I don't go "out to work" and am home for my DS in school holidays etc.
So how do you see it, am I a drain on society? AIBU to think I give back more than I put in? Or is my neighbour BU? What would you think if I was your neighbour?

OP posts:

crazynanna · 15/01/2012 13:25

You are a carer. Carers' are an asset to society.

That is all.

BornToBeRiled · 15/01/2012 13:25

I would absolutely not be losing sleep over you! Do you feel you do well by your foster children? If so, that is your job, and a valuable one.

McHappyPants2012 · 15/01/2012 13:26

your neighbour is bu.

what you are doing is fantastic, without foster parents many children would end up in children homes.

ignore the silly old bat

AmberLeaf · 15/01/2012 13:26

How would she know you claim benefits?

You're not a drain, you work as a foster carer, it is a job!

rootietootie · 15/01/2012 13:26

Your a foster carer, hardly a drain on society. Your neighbour needs to wind her neck in. Does she know you are a foster carer?

flumposie · 15/01/2012 13:27

ignore them, you have chosen to do what not many other people would - look after children that really need help

boredandrestless · 15/01/2012 13:29

Does your neighbour realise you are a foster carer??

You are not a drain on society, you are an asset to it in my opinion. Try not to let people's ignorant judgements bother you. (I realise this is easier said than done as I'm often judged too).

altinkum · 15/01/2012 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eaglewings · 15/01/2012 13:30

You deserve a medal.
A friend cares for the children who can't be fostered, she works 12 hours shifts and is paid OK. The state fund a 4 bedroomed house and 2 carers per house minimum 24 hours a day for 2 kids.
These children need that level of care, but I bet you are paid far less to do 24 hour care

Boomerwang · 15/01/2012 13:30

I think your neighbour is ignorant and it would be a waste of time to make him/her think otherwise. I also think what you're doing is fantastic and I should strive to be as selfless as you are.

eaglewings · 15/01/2012 13:31

Altinkum, sadly foster carers are paid less than they need to live at a basic standard.....

LaurieFairyCake · 15/01/2012 13:31

I'm a foster carer too.

I didn't know that the DSS would pay income support and housing benefit if you weren't job hunting - is there any chance she just didn't know that either?

I work school hours but I may have to start working longer hours due to the cost of things rising so much. I know SS are going to be funny about it as dd will have to go to the library after school as she won't be allowed to be at home on her own.

Agree that we're saving society a lot of money. The 'cost' to us as a family for me not working full time is not at all made up by the very small allowance.

pigletmania · 15/01/2012 13:32

YANBU at all, you do a wonderful job, and an asset to society. What does she do to help!

ISayHolmes · 15/01/2012 13:32

She's an idiot. You're saving the country a bloody fortune, surely? I thought the financial costs of keeping a child in care were very high. She's a nasty piece of work and you should ignore her completely from now on imo. She'd probably stick to her point of view even if you waved a graph under her nose showing the costs of a child in care vs the benefits you get to help care for them.

fallenpetal · 15/01/2012 13:32

I wonder if your neighbours actually realise you are a carer? Maybe if you are concerned by their attitude you should educate them into what your life is really like. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to being a carer! If people had half a clue they would not dream of considering you a drain.

So YANBU but I think you need to educate if you want understanding. I know I know we shouldnt have to but the harsh truth is people do judge, are jealous of others seemingly having everything they dont etc etc. I've seen first hand what good people like yourself do - looked after children all deserve some one as dedicated as you! Bloody well done!

For what its worth I take my hat off to you and am in awe of what you do, I hope you do not get the kind of hassle I get from the jobcentre etc for being on IS. I wish you well and would be very proud to have you as a neighbour! x

Lilithmoon · 15/01/2012 13:37

Crazynanna sums it up.

altinkum · 15/01/2012 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 15/01/2012 13:39

Your neighbour is ignorant and her comment is not worthy of the credibility you are giving it by even thinking about it. Although I understand it would hurt, it really isn't worth the air she used to say it.

fuzzpig · 15/01/2012 13:41

You are anything but a drain! You are looking after children who have had a bad start in life and with you they have a much higher chance of turning that around.

Your ignorant neighbour must've really got to you if you even have to ask :(

Maryz · 15/01/2012 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fallenpetal · 15/01/2012 13:43

Altinkum - I have no idea but maybe it has something to do with being a single?

Maryz · 15/01/2012 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NanaASH · 15/01/2012 13:44

You are NOT a 'drain on society' just tell the silly cow you work from home!

Methe · 15/01/2012 13:46

How much are you getting paid for your fostering op?

Original poster

OtherPeoplesChildren · 15/01/2012 13:46

It's well known around here that I am a foster carer, it's a small community and people talk a lot. The coming and going of various children and social workers I would imagine makes it clear that I am still an active foster carer! The foster children often attend the local school for at least a short period of time so the neighbours' children know them. I'm not sure how exactly people know I claim benefits but there are definitely people that do. Up until now I've not been particularly ashamed of it and have claimed discounts when they are available - at the local swimming pool, family centres etc so although I don't tend to talk about it, I've not kept it a secret. It only takes one person around here to find something out and then everyone knows...
Yes foster carers are paid allowances but they are so woefully low that in some cases we can claim means tested benefits. I have been treated badly in the past at jobcentres, council offices and the like as a benefit claimant despite the fact that I have been a carer for many years now and have never not worked or fostered. I think we are so used to benefit bashing in this country now that people don't stop to find out the full story before judging.

OP posts:

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