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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL is completely mad?

56 replies

Sannebanana · 13/01/2012 20:41

I first posted about the mess I'm in at the moment on here about a week ago, I've had that thread moved to OTBT if you want to go and read it. To summarise briefly, I'm 35 weeks pregnant with DD1, and when I was 21 weeks DH told me that he'd decided he didn't want to be a father anymore. I left him at 28 weeks after things became violent. I then bumped into MIL by chance just before Christmas, and it quickly became apparent that she had no idea DH and I were no longer together. She said she'd talk to DH and phone me later. She finally phoned me back last week at work and laid into me; telling me that it was outrageous for me to come off the pill without telling DH (we had been TTC for about 6 months ) and basically I had ruined his life, she, DH and family were having nothing to do with DD. There is more to this, but I don't really want to go into that on this thread. I have sought legal advice since then and we're just starting the divorce process.

So today MIL turned up at work and managed to find her way to my office. I was completely taken aback, wasn't expecting her at all, but managed to tell her that she shouldn't be here and she was going to have to leave. She said not to be so ungrateful, she'd only come to drop by a few baby things for me, so she dumped three plastic carrier bags on my desk and left. I've just been through them: 5 boxes of formula (MIL definitely knows I'm planning to breatfeed), stretch mark cream Hmm, and 2 bags worth of baby clothes. All boys clothes, though MIl definitely knows DD is a girl because she spent weeks vetoing our baby names. Now, I'm not saying DD has to be in pink girly stuff from head to toe all the time, but this stuff is just so masculine that it couldn't be unisex, you wouldn't put a girl in it IYSWIM. About half of the second bag is onsies etc with slogans like 'Daddy's little boy'. Despite 'Daddy' and MIL having told me several times that they will not be in DD's life.

I feel a bit odd about it all to be honest, given the history here it feels like another dig at me. But then I start to wonder if maybe she was just trying to help out a bit but got it really wrong. We always got on so well before this, I know she's been given a very different version of events by DH. So AIBU or am I right thinking MIL is completely insane and malicious?

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 13/01/2012 20:44

I remember your thread originally ....... swathing through your MIL - your employer has a duty to protect you. HTF did she get through security?

ooh and freecycle/charity shop/ebay the stuff she left you.

And I sincerely hope you are in a far better place now you have jettisoned P @ his mother!"

Gigondas · 13/01/2012 20:45

Oh Sanne I am sorry that this is all so stressful . Mil is probably a bit of both - malicious and loony.
Hope legal advice was helpful (don't have to spill here but I remember from your other thread you were waiting on it).
I would try to focus on baby and surround yourself with friends and family. Is your mum still coming?
And would mention to your lawyer about this as they presumably have advice on best way to communicate with ex and mil (for people who don't Want anything to do with dd they have an odd way of showing it).

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 13/01/2012 20:46

Wow. She's certainly persistent! I commented on the first thread, but must have lost it when it went to OTBT. Did you ever send her the letter saying you'd consider access for her separately to her son? Does she know she needs to be on 'best behaviour'? This seems odd at best, malicious at worst.

ProfessionalProcrastinator · 13/01/2012 20:47

She sounds more insane rather than malicious to me. She should not have come to your work place and the contents of the shopping bags are a tad odd! Confused

Victorialucas · 13/01/2012 20:47

Could you write her a letter giving your side of the story?

Ex is an arse but a relationship with mil may be worth salvaging.

FabbyChic · 13/01/2012 20:47

Send the stuff back with a note, I am having a girl, your son has told you malicious lies and until I receive an apology for your previous outburst you can go fuck yourself. Or words to that effect

Groovee · 13/01/2012 20:48

Shock I'm as stunned as you are!

babybythesea · 13/01/2012 20:49

Sounds bonkers to me. I'm fine with sticking girls in 'boys' clothes as the kids don't care (although you do then have to decide whether to correct strangers who assume 'she' is 'he' based on clothing or whether you can't be bothered and accept compliments on your little boy with a grin!). But clothes that actually say 'boy' on the front is weird if you know it's a girl on the way. And very odd if he is saying he wants nothing to do with it.
I have no idea what I'd do here. Prob donate formula somewhere - the question is whether you tell her or not? Clothes - if they're new, hang on to them! And then give them as presents when friends have kids. Or give them to charity.
Have you resolved the being at your bedside in hospital issue?

Gigondas · 13/01/2012 20:49

Just one thought re daddy's little boy etc that came up before on other thread - do you think this was part of what made ex go so odd? And has ex also told her some crap about it being a boy - lets face it telling the truth and Doing the right thing don't seem to be high on his agenda .

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 13/01/2012 20:50

OTBT?

saggybaps · 13/01/2012 20:51

What fabbychic said!

Figgyrolls · 13/01/2012 20:51

If it is new stuff definitely ebay it and put it towards something you would like, re formula - would keep one (you never know, you really don't!) and take the rest to your dr's surgery/ give to your midwife who may be able to get some use for you.

From past form I would say she was having a bit of a dig, with regards to her turning up at work I would be saying to your employer that they have duty of care in the workplace and please could dh and mil be on the unacceptable list, I am sure that your workplace would feel mortified if they thought you were in any form of danger or concerned for your safety. I woudn't interract with MIL and I would inform your solicitor that this has occured as well.

You poor thing, hope your solicitor has had advice to you re your other thread which I remember.

Annpan88 · 13/01/2012 20:51

I think I read your thread. Obviously her little boy is an angel and not a spineless bastard. You tricked him into the pregnancy so he's justified in acting this way. [Hmm]

Sorry no advice but it sounds like an awful situation hug

ISayHolmes · 13/01/2012 20:52

She's lost it. If she even ever had it to begin with.

She sounds like she's trying to snub you while making sure you know it's happening...boy's stuff for a girl, formula for a breastfed baby. Maybe she wants you to say something so she can rant about how ungrateful you are. Or just wants to make it clear that she doesn't know anything about the baby (even though she obviously does).

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 13/01/2012 20:55

er... OTBT? please?

stabiliser15 · 13/01/2012 20:56

Hi Sannebanana, she sounds like either she doesn't understand the seriousness of the issues (generous), or, she is wilfully choosing to misinterpret your request for her to stay away. I suspect, from your other post, it could be the latter, and given the wanting to be at the birth etc, I would be minded to let her know in no uncertain terms what you require her to do, and not do, in terms of contacting you both before and after the birth.

I'd consider getting your solicitor to write it if you think there's any way she may choose to misinterpret a letter. Or, to avoid that possibility, write what Fabbychic suggests!

Agree you may want to salvage a relationship with MIL but I imagine the last thing you need right now if for her to think she and you are chums and she has any entitlements whatsoever. I think I would nip this in the bud, and worry about extending an olive brand afterwas, if you want to. Easier said than done though, appreciate that.

mamas12 · 13/01/2012 21:01

You say your relationship was alright before, so, if you think you could have a sensible conversation with her in a public place of course and get your side over then do that
BUT I would keep it on a more formal level if you think it's gone beyond that.
Get you solicitor to write a letter to her , they would be able to advise on wording etc.
look after yourself

breatheslowly · 13/01/2012 21:03

OTBT is off the beaten track and is a MN forum.

Your MIL does sound loopy, but who knows what your ex has been telling her. You can freecycle the formula (I doubt a MW would be allowed to take it). Can you take the clothes back and exchange them for girls clothes? Or do you just not want them? Did she seem sane before your ex lost it?

Hope things get better for you.

SarahBumBarer · 13/01/2012 21:04

Off The Beaten Track - its one of the thread categories that disappears after 30 days I think.

SarahBumBarer · 13/01/2012 21:06

OP do you think this is part of them wanting it to be a boy/not wanting a girl? I recall you had suspicions along those lines.

MosEisley · 13/01/2012 21:10

I remember your last thread.

She's mad and possibly malicious as you already know. This additional incident confirms the conclusions you have already come to.

Don't question your own sanity / reasonableness every time she makes a mad move, just keep her at arms length.

Have you managed to have a proper conversation with her yet about what happened between you & Ex - H?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 13/01/2012 21:12

thanks, breatheslowly and sarahBB.

Figgyrolls · 13/01/2012 21:13

If you interact at all with this woman, write a quick note thanking her kindly for the baby paraphenalia and politely informing her that it was kind of her to bring those things to work but that your workplace don't really approve of unscheduled family visits.

Be polite, non commital and if it escalates involve your solicitor. Do not engage in mud slinging or being rude (although a small amount of sarcasm may be open to interpretation Wink) With this woman it is probably best to say thanks but be vague about it all.

GloriaStitz · 13/01/2012 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Figgyrolls · 13/01/2012 21:16

Even the most sympathetic in-laws usually end up going with everything their dc say. Really there is no point in stressing yourself trying to get your side of the story across, she will listen and then she will still believe her son.

I really feel for you op, I hope you get some family over soon. On the plus side within 7 weeks you will have your dd Smile