To think MIL is completely mad?

[Sannebanana]

I first posted about the mess I'm in at the moment on here about a week ago, I've had that thread moved to OTBT if you want to go and read it. To summarise briefly, I'm 35 weeks pregnant with DD1, and when I was 21 weeks DH told me that he'd decided he didn't want to be a father anymore. I left him at 28 weeks after things became violent. I then bumped into MIL by chance just before Christmas, and it quickly became apparent that she had no idea DH and I were no longer together. She said she'd talk to DH and phone me later. She finally phoned me back last week at work and laid into me; telling me that it was outrageous for me to come off the pill without telling DH (we had been TTC for about 6 months ) and basically I had ruined his life, she, DH and family were having nothing to do with DD. There is more to this, but I don't really want to go into that on this thread. I have sought legal advice since then and we're just starting the divorce process.

So today MIL turned up at work and managed to find her way to my office. I was completely taken aback, wasn't expecting her at all, but managed to tell her that she shouldn't be here and she was going to have to leave. She said not to be so ungrateful, she'd only come to drop by a few baby things for me, so she dumped three plastic carrier bags on my desk and left. I've just been through them: 5 boxes of formula (MIL definitely knows I'm planning to breatfeed), stretch mark cream , and 2 bags worth of baby clothes. All boys clothes, though MIl definitely knows DD is a girl because she spent weeks vetoing our baby names. Now, I'm not saying DD has to be in pink girly stuff from head to toe all the time, but this stuff is just so masculine that it couldn't be unisex, you wouldn't put a girl in it IYSWIM. About half of the second bag is onsies etc with slogans like 'Daddy's little boy'. Despite 'Daddy' and MIL having told me several times that they will not be in DD's life.

I feel a bit odd about it all to be honest, given the history here it feels like another dig at me. But then I start to wonder if maybe she was just trying to help out a bit but got it really wrong. We always got on so well before this, I know she's been given a very different version of events by DH. So AIBU or am I right thinking MIL is completely insane and malicious?

I've not read your post op but yes, they all are.

well obviously you have to formula feed so they can take DD to that wedding right?

I agree with whats been said (in both threads) tbh, be polite, dont engage them over it, but make sure this latest thing is noted by the solicitor just in case. Perhaps MIL is slightly conflicted in that she wants to be a granny but also feels she needs to support her absolute bastard son. Still totally nutso thou.

MrsTwinks of course, how could I be so stupid? That must be it :o

Glad it's not just me who thinks this is weird behaviour :)

Troisgarcons- She told the poor girl at reception who didn't know any better that she'd come to take me out for lunch. Reception now know not to let her in under any circumstances, thank god.

I think gender could be a part of it, yes :( MIL was vetoing names when DH and I were still together, so not quite so outragous. And of course DH has never told a single lie in all his life .

Figgyrolls- oh don't, that's quite scary!

Not scary, fab . Remember that. snuggly and warm and cosy and snuffly. Brilliant.

I hope she will be stopped from get through reception in the future now OP.

Isn't formula just a very odd "gift" to give someone?? I definitely think she is mad with the boys clothes if she knows it's a DD (why not get generic colours?). Can you return everything and get something useful or a credit note for now?

Sanne, I think it's possibly part of the whole "boy preference" thing. BUt she is also mad.

If the clothes still have tags, take them back to where they came from and change them for girl clothes; if not, ebay.

Don't bother writing her a letter - I'm sure it sticks in your gullet that he has lied and she believes him, but a letter from you isn't going to change that, it will only serve to give him more ammunition against you ("she's deranged, of course I didn't hit her! Why would I?") Don't give them that ammunition. It will come out anyway if you decide to get a restraining order against him (how's that going, by the way?).

Just don't have anything to do with her from now on. Really.

Keep it all bagged up just the way it was dropped off. So you can hand it back if necessary.

If she contacts you again tell her to leave you alone or you will be calling the police.

At some point you may have to have something to do with your ex if he decides to be involved but you don't need to bother with her at all.

She's helpfully pulled all the tags out for me. Or not so helpfully. [sigh]. It's such a shame really, I've known her since I was 16 and she was always lovely before this.

I'm still thinking about the letter. I might write one to vent but not send it, IYSWIM.

Figgyrolls true :) Also tiny, loud and needy, but I can put up with that for the cuddles.

I have'nt read the whole thread but eh?

Your MIL is vetoeing names?

Are you quite mad?

She got to chose her Dc names..

Now it is the choice of you and DP.

Just put what YOU want on the birth certificate.

Then tell her what the childs name is.

Your MIL is a nasty toxic woman (I have read the other thread), I would freecycle or charity shop the lot of them.

reeling don't worry, I'm going for the name I wanted all along. DH and MIL can shove off

Sannebanana YANBU she is clearly not in her right mind and this is yet another attempt by her and ex-DH to control and intimidate you. He can no longer do that himself so he has primed her to do it for him. It is shocking that she would behave this way knowing that it is her grandchild that was put at risk by her son's violence.

I think you need to speak to your solicitor and get some further legal advice, for if you have specifically stated that you want no contact for her to keep pursuing it either by telephone, letter, email or by turning up would be termed harrassment and you can get something put in place to stop that happening again (via the Police), if you so wish.

By all means write down what you would wish to say to get it off your chest, but do not engage with this woman or her son, they will manipulate and twist everything you say, do or write to further their own weird version of events and try and control you.

I would also be seeking legal advice re: supervised contact for ex-DH with the baby for any contact once she is born.

Glad work are now informed and ready to protect you against further visits, hope you have sorted out birth partner now, did your friend agree?

I'm with fabby on this - I feel that she has actually behaved maliciously - she knows you're having a dd, why get things for a ds?

And the formula stuff is to stop any excuses as to why dd can't go to this wedding. Perhaps dd won't accept a bottle around the time of the wedding - it's peculiar how these things just happen sometimes!

Fwiw I'd be blocking them both out completely - your dh asked for a late top, then beat you, mil then stood up for him, insisted that your newborn dd goes to a family wedding without you then passive aggressively buys boys clothes and formula - i'm sorry but I wouldn't wee on these people if they were on fire.

She is as insane as her son!
Send it all back, with a covering letter saying I'm BF, it's a girl, she wont Be Daddies little anything, thank you very much!
Now please leave me alone, and don't come to my place of employment again, or I will have security remove you from the premises!

Then, make sure EVERYONE that you work with knows she is Persona Non Grata, before she sweet talks your address out of someone!

Also, log EVERYTHING with your solicitor, and take pictures of what she gave yOu, before you dispose of it.

I remember. Burn her shit. I can't believe you're doubting yourself. They are loopers; you are normal. Repeat continuously.

Please dont accept any crap this woman gives you (except cash)

OP you poor dear, Your ex hub sounds like a real SOB, Your ex mil is unhinged and seems to be deliberately playing manipulative games with you.

I've been thinking about this thread overnight Sanne and just wanted to add something.

It sounds like you've had a horrific time and that you're seeking legal advice. I'm concerned that your situation could be made worse if DH and MIL found out you'd been talking about it on here. If you've reported it accurately, there are quite a few features of your story that could allow you to be outed in RL - I think that's why you were advised to move your last thread to OTBT. If you are worried about being identified then it seems a little unwise to have come back to the busiest part of mumsnet and repeated the story. Can I suggest that you ask MNHQ move this thread to OTBT and if you want to ask about DH or MIL again you name change and miss out some of the details? (E.g. yesterday, you could simply have asked 'Is it odd that the mother of my ex H, who has said he wants nothing to do with my unborn child, turned up at work today with a load of clothes in the wrong colour?')

Your MIL sounds like a nasty malicious person. She knows you plan to breastfeed, so gives you formula, and she knows that you are having a girl, yet gives you boys things, and the stretchmark cream . Those are not gifts but things to intimidate you. Charity shop the lot, and give the formula to friends with babies or Surestart.

I would be tempted to send it back with a note saying it's not appropriate - first as your baby isn't a boy, and secondly the slogans would only be accurate if they said 'Daddy tried to kill me before I was born by punching my Mummy'.

Your MIL is deluded. You need to steer well clear.

Mad as a loon (no offence meant to loons). But I can imagine a lot to mitigate MIL's actions:

Fed packs of contradictory lies from her son, so she doesn't know what's what, can't keep the truth straight.

Some people don't really register what you said, they don't quite remember, it doesn't seem important, it's so far out of their own experience that they can't absorb it, or it contradicts with something else they were told repeatedly from a seemingly credible source (would explain the formula).

The clothes may have been a cheap bundle she didn't look thru clearly. Maybe OP's ex-to-be-DH even gave it to the MIL to pass on.

Because what strikes me is that she was lovely before; people don't often change from very nice to obvious loons. I think there are other explanations. Not that OP should worry about them, OP has too much else to worry about right now, but try to keep open-minded in long run.

just wanted to add WTF??? and to say log it all with your solicitor.

I'd love to now what poison he told his mum!!

I remember your thread. I to agree that she sounds as mad as a box of frogs and that she is obviously believing everything your DH has said to her. But do you know exactly what he has told her? You see the thing that really puzzles me is that you describe your relationship as generally ok up until this all kicked off, its not that she normally behaved like a witch . Dont get it.

Move the thread Sanne.

You'll still get advice from those who know where to look. I know there's less traffic, but your safety must come first.