to be so scared of becoming a mum I lay awake at night sobbing

[DozyNosy]

All I have ever wanted, my main aim in life was to be a good mum, to care for and love my DC. I'm now nearly 38 weeks PG and I should be over the moon and excited but no. I wanted to be a clam caring mum, I have been on the reciving end of a constatnly high strung DM, I don't want to be like this. I feel guilty and generally a bit messed up for thinking about such awful things.

I'm terrified of something going wrong when I give birth. I'm not just talking about the likely hood if some intervention, as I have a fairly open birth plan as far as that's concerned. I just can't get it out of my head that the very worst could happen to DD and or me. I don't think that this is helped by the fact I have recently heard of a number of still births, sudden infant deaths and mums dying. I'm not intentionally reading or watching these things, they just seem to be lots around atm. I've had to turn off the radio or stop reading things because I start to panic when I hear these awful stories. I've got it in to my head that the very worst could happen. I'm just so scared and now my only hope for birth is that we both come out of this alive and well.

After she is born I'm paranoid about my ability to look after her and keep her healthy, safe and happy. My head is swimming with stuff from books, guidelines, antenatal classes, well meaning advice from family. "X must always be like this, Y must be done exactly like this, Z without fail must always be..." Even the basics like feeding (I want to BF) and sleeping etc seem so daunting, the more I read the harder it sounds. What if I make a mistake and it puts her at risk? How will I know I'm always doing the right thing? What if we don't bond? What if I just can't cope?

I'll be totally responsible for a little life and all I have is negative thoughts swimming round my head. Am I going to spend the next 18+ years worrying about my DD?

I'm posting hear because I'm avoiding the birth and pregnancy threads. I know I'm posting in AIBU so prepared to be told I'm just being silly, hormonal, PFB but I have had some fantastic down to earth advice and reassurance here before.
Please put my mind at ease, tell me something that will calm me, bring me back to my rational down to earth self. Maybe I need a bit of a reality check but bare in mind I am feeling just a bit fragile at the moment.

I'm gonna be the same as you when I'm that far along and the end is in sight (pardon the possible pun?)

Is there someone you could talk to whom you know could put you at ease on at least some of the issues in your mind? Try looking up people with the same concerns and I bet you'll find some good stories to read.

I had no idea pregnancy and childbirth was such a hotbed of anxiety and fear until I visited this forum, and I could be none the wiser if I never came here again, so I know deep down that as long as I'm in the right place when I have my baby and I have someone with me whom I trust to make sure things go as I wanted them to then everything will be okay.

Did you ever get a pet dog or cat and buy a load of books on how to raise it only to chuck them out of the window after a while?

...and sigh I know a baby is not a dog or a cat -.-

You are not being silly, you are about to become a mum and it's a lot to get used to. Try to stop reading through all the books, they all give slightly different advice anyway, if you feel the need for a book pick one and stick to that. I think it seems more daunting before they are born ( I'm typing this with my pfb 11 week old DS asleep on my shoulder) once they arrive you are so busy with them that it gets easier, yes you will have moments when you panic and fret, that's normal. RE things like feeding I can only tell you about my own experience, I wanted to BF but DS wouldn't latch on so was FF even before we left hospital and I found I didn't care as long as my baby was eating!
Be easy on yourself, take care and enjoy your DD. (unmumsnetty hug)

I am exactly the same and have a well documented (on MN) phobia of needles/ birth/ death etc

I can only advise you to speak about it
To anyone who will listen (I am a pm away if you would like)

I also spoke to my GP and got
Referred to a specialist and a hypnotherapist who helps me
Relax and discuss my fears and concerns and goes over things that could happen because they know I do not react well to unexpected
Situations or anytime I am 'not in control'

It has really helped me. I know MN ESP preg and childbirth topics can seem terrifying but their is a wealth of help there and you can get good supportive advice if
You ask.

This post is quite broad tbh, maybe break it down a bit. Ie fear of something going wrong health wise, fear of not being a 'calm mum' etc.

I think by putting all your fears together it will only make it seem all the worse and may feel like everything is getting too much for you

Xxx

I am 35 + 2 so in a VERY similar position to yourself of
You would like a chat.

however I am busy for next 2 hours as goig to said therapy

I havent been in your shoes, but I imagine that I would feel like that for the whole nine months. I think its perfectly normal and all those worries will be gone once you have your baby in your arms. :)

As Kayano has said feel free to PM me if you need someone not in RL to vent at, can't always guarantee a prompt reply but you will get one.

oh my love!!! you arnt being silly! you are totally and utterly normal! having a baby is the hugest most daunting thing you will ever do! it is also the most rewarding, wonderful, loving experience!! put the books away, put your feet and try and calm down and remember that your baby hasnt read any of that stuff either, so long as she is warm and fed and clean and cuddled bugger all else matters!

my dd is 20! i have NO IDEA how we got to this point, im certainly no earth mother, we just rubbed along and did the best we could and that all ANYONE can do, including you!

'feet up' of course!

You're going to be responsible for someone else, someone who will depend on for everything - it is nerve wracking ...... but as you said you've been to antenatal classes, read all the books, know whats happening so going into it with your eyes wide open.

No one know exactly what to expect and everyone is a different mum....

What you're feeling is normal and am sure you'll do great.

Some more advice for you - enjoy your time with your baby, accept all help offered, forget the housework and get some sleep now! Seriously, that's all you need to know.

Congratulations

I do feel for you. My only advice would be too enjoy each moment in the 'here and now'. Enjoy the kicks and squirms, because soon they will be gone. Enjoy the first time you look at her little face. Enjoy the elation you feel when she's finally out and in your arms - I've never experienced anything so powerful! Enjoy that first, lovely night with your baby. There's going to be so many moments to treasure. Worrying about the past, or the future won't help. If you find yourself doing that, try and find something in the 'now', looking at your new baby clothes in the drawer, or on the line - so tiny and cute! Or the touch of a fluffy blanket. Anything to pull you out of the negative thoughts. You will be really fine....

Its natural to be scared, all the emotions you are feeling are normal.

You will be a good mum, mothering comes naturally it does.

With regards the birth try talking to your GP or your Midwife about your fears they will be able to get you past the doubts you have.

Giving birth is scary, but you and the baby will be fine.

Parenthood is going to be the best thing you have ever done. Ever.
It will also be the most frightening, tough thing you have ever done.

What you are feeling is so, so normal.
Talk to your midwife, she will have seen this many times before x

Everything you are feeling is completely understandable, you are going into the unknown, and it is a bloody scary place. Just try to keep in mind that the odds are overwhelmingly in favour of you both being alive and well after the birth. As for the rest of it, you will make mistakes, but babies are tough little buggers, and all parents make mistakes, all the time, the vast majority of babies, not only survive, but thrive, despite that!

Yes, you are going to spend the rest of your life worrying about your DD, but again, that is entirely natural, and it is very much worth all the worry! I hope all goes well with the birth and beyond!

You are just like every other first-time mum before you. Except most don't admit to it!
The very great majority of births result in a healthy mother and child.It is very rare for something to go wrong, but of course everyone worries.
Having had zero experience with babies I was terrified when my 1st was born, 16 years ago.Reading some of these boards makes baby and childcare look enormously complicated, but really it is all common sense a new baby's needs are very very simple, you really can't go far wrong.

Completely and utterly normal.

You do get calmer but the worry never goes either. Checking they are till breathing during the night; picking the right nursery for them; hoping the make friends at school ; worrying senseless when they start staying over at friends; going to town on their own ; and I can only imagine at this stage about exam stress!

But trust your own instincts and do not panic. If you do those two things, all else will be fine.

'Am I going to spend the next 18+ years worrying about my DD? ' Absolutely, you are! And probably a lot more years after that!

Best thing you can do is try to stop looking at the bigger picture, stop worrying about the future, and definitely stop giving yourself the goal of being a perfect mum! Stay in the moment for now - there's something to be said for a bit of denial .

You will manage, chances are you will be a great mum, and you will deal with the challenges that face you.

When you are a mum, sometimes you will be calm, sometimes you will be at screaming point. Its all perfectly normal, as is being shit scared about giving birth. Be easy on yourself!

I would say dont bother with classes or books etc when the baby is born a lot will just be instinct and its really not that bad. Enjoy it you dont want to ruin it by being scared. Also the chance of death etc is pretty low and there is no point in worrying as if you worry you will make the birth worse for yourself.

As others have said, the most likely outcome is everything will be fine I have 4 dc and every time I couldn't quite believe I'd get a baby at the end of the pregnancy. The best kept secret of birth is how strong women are. I've had births ranging from horrendous to amazing but I've lived to tell the tale. Chances are, so will you :)

Thank you everyone for being so lovely. I was expecting a bit of a pull yourself together type response. Thanks strawberrypenguin and Kayano I'll PM you if I need future reassurance. Also like wise Kayano as we are in a similar situation then PM me if you want to chat. It sounds like you are getting lots of support already. If anything I would certainly like to hear how you and your brand new little DC are doing in a few weeks.

I have asked a couple of friends if they are/were scared about becoming a mum and they said no just excited but I guess like dandelionss said most won't admit to it.

As for all the books and guidelines, those of you who said a lot are contradictory etc, I know some of it just seems laughable and unrealistic. I just hope my instincts kick in enough for me to trust myself. I keep telling my self that a lot of time it will just come down to common sense, judgement and trial and error. I have put away the The Dr Miriam Stoppard book and I'm not sure I'll get it out again. As for the GF Contented Baby book even the blurb makes me feel inadequate. I still ordered the MN baby book I ordered the other day though .

One comment a MW made at an antenatal class keeps sticking with me "you must make sure the house is always 16-18c, if a baby is to hot or cold they may go to sleep and not ever wake up" . I know what she was trying to say about being careful about how you put the baby down to sleep, but surely she could be more tactful. Anyway after she preached at us for 2 hours solid about BF (which was actually off-putting) most of the class stopped listening. She was far from encouraging about anything and made me feel like an idiot. You should have seen the look she gave me when I asked about FF in case we can't BF, she glossed over it saying "we should always be determined to BF no matter what". molly3478 I guess your right about the classes. She even had a pair of knitted boobs.

FabbyChic and anyone else who said about being nervous about the birth, I have a midwife appointment on Wednesday so I'll talk to her then.

Whoever said about not worrying about being a perfect mum. I watched the "How to be a Good Mother" program the other night with my judgy pants on and thought if that's a "good" mum I'd rather be just a mum. Like so many of you have said as long as I do my best and she's mostly happy got the essentials, then I'm doing OK.

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply I've been baking to take my mind off it. Thanks again everyone you have really helped, I might actually get some sleep tonight. I know I need to get as much as I can while I still can. If I start to panic again I'll try to remember what you have said.

Oh shit I really do go on. Sorry.

*should say safe in the knowledge I'm normal and feeling much better

Ah I feel your pain! I had a high risk preganancy and was induced at 38 weeks. At 36 weeks I actually thought I'd had a full blown breakdown. I couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate, and I was paralysed with fear - that I wouldn't love him, that he would be stillborn, that I wouldn't cope, that I would have PND, that I was a horrible person, that I didn't deserve him ... On and on.

After 38 hours of a lovely labour (I LOVED gas and air...) I had an EMCS. As I was being wheeled down I was still sobbing and whispering to DH 'what if I don't love him? What if I'm a shit mum'? He arrived. On day 2 I cried for 24 hours in a PMT 'nothings wrong I just can't stop crying way' .... And we've never looked back :-)

I wish I could promise the same for you but I can't - I am however 99% certain that this is 100% normal, and that it will pass, and that you will be an awesome Mum :-)

Good lick and feel free to vent or PM me too xxx

This is completely normal. It's your mothering instincts kicking in. It's a frightening amount of responsibility, but you'll get into your stride after a while.

Good luck!

I agre with molly - step away from the books!

You're filling your (hormonal!) head with a lot of stuff that you don't need to be worrying about at the moment. Just take every day as it comes.

The whole pregnancy/birth/baby thing is scary, so much is an unknown. The best advice given to me when i was expecting DD1 was from a friend who advised me against having any plans or notions set in stone, because things change or don't turn out as you might expect - don't set yourself up to fail, just go with the flow.

I've got thee DCs now, including twins. I haven't gone mad yet! . You will be fine. And enjoy your baby!

three not thee, duh

Could I just say - and Im sure some other MNs will come and join in .........MW and HVs are Satans Hand Maidens ...... personally, three children down the line, I have yet to ascertain the need for their existance (HV, MW not the offspring!).

I do however remember sobbing one evening because I didnt want a boy (dirty, filthy, messy) or a girl (pink pink pink and ironing pink things) ..... I think I might have liked a puppy ........

Now, my little chickadee ..... there are only two sorts of births mother discuss..... the shelling-peas-mother-earth sort and the OMG-this-is-the-worst-birth-Evah!!!! sort.

You wont have either - you will have a your-sort-of-birth-that-you-want.

Might I add - BF-ing - your choice DO NOT be BULLIED into doing something you dont want to do/carry on with past 6 weeks/3 months/3 years etc....NOR allow yourself to be bullied into FFing if you want to BF.