to be so scared of becoming a mum I lay awake at night sobbing

[DozyNosy]

All I have ever wanted, my main aim in life was to be a good mum, to care for and love my DC. I'm now nearly 38 weeks PG and I should be over the moon and excited but no. I wanted to be a clam caring mum, I have been on the reciving end of a constatnly high strung DM, I don't want to be like this. I feel guilty and generally a bit messed up for thinking about such awful things.

I'm terrified of something going wrong when I give birth. I'm not just talking about the likely hood if some intervention, as I have a fairly open birth plan as far as that's concerned. I just can't get it out of my head that the very worst could happen to DD and or me. I don't think that this is helped by the fact I have recently heard of a number of still births, sudden infant deaths and mums dying. I'm not intentionally reading or watching these things, they just seem to be lots around atm. I've had to turn off the radio or stop reading things because I start to panic when I hear these awful stories. I've got it in to my head that the very worst could happen. I'm just so scared and now my only hope for birth is that we both come out of this alive and well.

After she is born I'm paranoid about my ability to look after her and keep her healthy, safe and happy. My head is swimming with stuff from books, guidelines, antenatal classes, well meaning advice from family. "X must always be like this, Y must be done exactly like this, Z without fail must always be..." Even the basics like feeding (I want to BF) and sleeping etc seem so daunting, the more I read the harder it sounds. What if I make a mistake and it puts her at risk? How will I know I'm always doing the right thing? What if we don't bond? What if I just can't cope?

I'll be totally responsible for a little life and all I have is negative thoughts swimming round my head. Am I going to spend the next 18+ years worrying about my DD?

I'm posting hear because I'm avoiding the birth and pregnancy threads. I know I'm posting in AIBU so prepared to be told I'm just being silly, hormonal, PFB but I have had some fantastic down to earth advice and reassurance here before.
Please put my mind at ease, tell me something that will calm me, bring me back to my rational down to earth self. Maybe I need a bit of a reality check but bare in mind I am feeling just a bit fragile at the moment.

Op, as everyone says, the way you are feeling is absolutely normal!

I was literally cacking myself with worry before I had my first child. I worried about the birth, the baby's health, was I going to be a good mum, etc,etc.

But honestly, as soon as your little one is placed into your arms EVERYTHING will come naturally to you !.

And I bet that if you ever look back on this thread you will see that there really wasn't any need to worry so much.

Good luck and relax !

Babies are little people! They are all different and you haven't had a chance to meet yours yet. It will take you some time to get to know each other. The advice from people and in books is contradictory, because some of it works for some babies, but I don't think there is anything that is guaranteed to work for all. Your baby will let you know what they prefer!

My suggestion, ignore anything or anyone who uses "should" or "must"!

Really do go and see someone about hypnobirthing if you can. I had terrible Birth Fear, and it was the hypnobirthing that saw that off after just one session. It was so worth the money, just for that, I can't tell you. I had 4 sessions prior to my EDD and then another one because I went 2w overdue and had to be induced - and it made sense of everything and reassured me that my body could do this, that I could do this. It also helped me sleep at night because the hypnotherapist gave me a CD to listen to - I'm pretty sure it wasn't intended to make me fall asleep every night but it did anyway!

It's far more than just relaxation, I promise.

Second the hypnobirthing suggestion. I used to fall asleep "practising".

I don't know if being anecdotal helps, but my family never opened a parenting book and did all the 'wrong' things with me....formula feeding, dummies, sweets, hours of TV pretty much from birth etc etc (and my mother drank and smoked right through pregnancy). I turned out to be a ridiculously healthy baby and child, went on to do very well academically and am now totally indistinguishable from my husband, whose parents read the books and did everything 'right'. I'm not saying that it isn't important to do your best, but more things than we care to admit are just the luck of the draw.

Best advice I got from my midwife = "I leave babies with people who I wouldn't want them to look after my houseplants. If you're conscientious and you do your best, then it'll all be fine" It sounds flippant when I see it on screen, but it didn't come out that way. We found it very reassuring.

Suggest you take one step at a time. After my DD was born I remember someone said to me "If you ever feel that you really, seriously, can't cope, then take your baby into a shop and tell someone" This is only if you are really at the end of your tether, not just feeling a bit out of your depth. I never felt like that, but had it at the back of my mind. Somewhere, there will always be a shop open, even a 24 hour supermarket or garage. So if it really does get too much for you, there is always a lifeline. Yes they may call social work or police to help you out, but you're never completely on your own.

It's natural to be anxious. I think it does get easier as the child gets older. Good luck

Yes, you are never on your own. Although I would confide in a motherly looking lady of mature years rather than a teenage shop assistant.

You'll be fine. I had never held a baby let alone changed a nappy even though all I wanted was children. Did lots of it wrong - breastfeeding was a disaster for ds, didn't bond straight away with dd. Shouted at them a lot, let them have sweets, forgot to give them dinner money on occasion, etc., etc..

Looks at dc. ds is 17, 6'1" and plays prop forward and eats and sleeps like we all hope our babies will (didn't as a baby). dd is 5'4" with 2' of long blonde hair and legs to match - she was veh veh clingly and shy at 3. At 13 she has sung at the Albert Hall! They survive and they don't remember our "mistakes".

I think your reaction is perfectly rational! Having a child is a scary life-changing business. You're emotionally preparing yourself for the shock of a brand new being appearing in your life. You've no idea what's ahead, and that in itself is terrifying.

It took me ages to get my head around motherhood - I think I was in some kind of weirdly anaesthetised limbo before my first child arrived, but oh man did it hit me like a ton of bricks in the weeks afterwards. But I adjusted, and you will too. Best of luck with everything x

whatever happens you deal with it, you dont have a choice. we all do. whatever shit life throws our way

Thanks to your kind words on Friday night I slept better than I have done in weeks (6 hours unbroken) but last night I got 2 hours (broken dozing) at the most between 2:30 and 6:30, I didn't lie there crying though so that's a start. I guess I could think of it as practice but I need as much sleep as possible right now.

At my midwife wife appointment I will don my lentil weaved hat and ask about hypnobirthing. It has not been mentioned by any of the MW or consultants I have seen so far, they just want to drug me up to my eyeballs because of my epilepsy. My epilepsy is anxiety related but well controlled atm, but I do need to make them see that I need something other than drugs to put my mind at rest. I initially thought that HB just dealt with pain related anxiety (which is not that worrying for me) but if it can help with the worry I have about DD & my staying alive and well then it's worth a shot. Hopefully it's not to late to be of some help. Is it even available on the NHS or does it depend where you live?

Can anyone recommend anything that I could download and listen to at night and maybe during the birth too?

Who was it that said about getting their DH to email me something to listen to? I can't find the post now but I'd like to take you upon that offer.

Again thank you all so so much.

Oh it was CheshireDing I have sent you a PM.

Will sort this for you tonight OP.

From our experience all the mw at the ante natal classes did was go on about how much pain we would all be in and how much shouting at Partners we would do.

I know it's different for everyone but I just felt that was a very negative view. There is certainly no harm in trying Hypnobirthing. We did a 6 week class which we had to pay for, unfortunately it was not offered on the NHS in our area - I don't know about other areas. Plus hopefully you have not got 6 weeks left to go .

One lady in our class ended up with a c section, she knew in advance, as the baby was breach but she still doing the Hypnbirthing in the theatre to help her stay calm. There are some breathing techniques too, might be worth putting Marie Mongan breathing (or something similar) in Youtube and seeing if there are any videos to explain the breathing.

OP your post took me back twenty years to my first pregnancy. I felt exactly like you. A week before my due date I met a very scatty neighbour who had two smashing little DC and I just thought that if she can do this so can I.

I had an emergency c-section and I honestly thought it wasn't anywhere near as bad as bloody Miriam Stoppard made out.

As a parent it is natural to worry about your DC but all the wonderful bit outweighs the harder bits. Receive all well meaning advice but use only what makes sense to you.

UPDATE

Thanks to CheshireDing and my DP (I'm useless at downloading and making CD's) I now have a CD for hypnobithing.

DP got me a nice massage bar from Lush specially for pregnancy, it's supposed to ease aches and pains, aid sleep and relaxation and maybe lead to putting a smile back on my face in other ways which might also hurry things along a little.

I've been talking to my neighbour who knows lots about meditation etc (he's Buddhist) he said he will teach me a few breathing and relaxation techniques, and maybe a bit of meditation too if I want.

I now have a permanent midwife it's only taken 38 weeks HOORAY!

She's brilliant and has given me loads of advice today and given me enough confidence not to be bullied by my consultant. She made lots of strongly worded notes in my green notes about giving me more say in terms of my labour. Now I have a bit more confidence and feel a little bit more in control (well as in control as you can be) it seems a lot less scary. I also told her about what the other MW said in the AN class and she was so cross, and reassured me that she would be there for support after DD arrives so I didn't have to listen to the "advice" of the other MW.

Thanks again everyone for all your help!

Oooh great OP, def get those techniques off the neighbour, it should help you get in to the relaxed zone.

Get listening to the CD every bedtime and doing the breathing as it helps get in to your subconscious too. I used to fall asleep to it, which is fine because it means you are relaxing.

Good luck :)

I realise this wasn't exactly the crux of your post but re the 16-18 degrees thing: how does your midwife think children in hot climates survive? Everyone in the country I live in would be piling the blankets on the baby if the house temperature got anywhere near 18 degrees. The hospital actually advised me 25-28 :)