to be so scared of becoming a mum I lay awake at night sobbing

[DozyNosy]

All I have ever wanted, my main aim in life was to be a good mum, to care for and love my DC. I'm now nearly 38 weeks PG and I should be over the moon and excited but no. I wanted to be a clam caring mum, I have been on the reciving end of a constatnly high strung DM, I don't want to be like this. I feel guilty and generally a bit messed up for thinking about such awful things.

I'm terrified of something going wrong when I give birth. I'm not just talking about the likely hood if some intervention, as I have a fairly open birth plan as far as that's concerned. I just can't get it out of my head that the very worst could happen to DD and or me. I don't think that this is helped by the fact I have recently heard of a number of still births, sudden infant deaths and mums dying. I'm not intentionally reading or watching these things, they just seem to be lots around atm. I've had to turn off the radio or stop reading things because I start to panic when I hear these awful stories. I've got it in to my head that the very worst could happen. I'm just so scared and now my only hope for birth is that we both come out of this alive and well.

After she is born I'm paranoid about my ability to look after her and keep her healthy, safe and happy. My head is swimming with stuff from books, guidelines, antenatal classes, well meaning advice from family. "X must always be like this, Y must be done exactly like this, Z without fail must always be..." Even the basics like feeding (I want to BF) and sleeping etc seem so daunting, the more I read the harder it sounds. What if I make a mistake and it puts her at risk? How will I know I'm always doing the right thing? What if we don't bond? What if I just can't cope?

I'll be totally responsible for a little life and all I have is negative thoughts swimming round my head. Am I going to spend the next 18+ years worrying about my DD?

I'm posting hear because I'm avoiding the birth and pregnancy threads. I know I'm posting in AIBU so prepared to be told I'm just being silly, hormonal, PFB but I have had some fantastic down to earth advice and reassurance here before.
Please put my mind at ease, tell me something that will calm me, bring me back to my rational down to earth self. Maybe I need a bit of a reality check but bare in mind I am feeling just a bit fragile at the moment.

YANBU, rather, completely normal.

How has your pregnancy been generally? How have you been feeling?

I had ante-natal depression in all three pregnancies which was very difficult at times and I sobbed A LOT. Third time round I sought professional help and was referred to a therapist who helped me. If you think this might apply to you, do ask as ante-natal depression is surprisingly common and not often talked about.

My births were fine, babies and post-natal part I felt much happier. I hope yours will be the same. Once you hold your little one in your arms you will feel better - even if it is still all overwhelming, you will have a focus for your worries rather than letting them run away with you.

Best of luck.

Just remember that you only have to do one day at a time, so that even if you have a really shit day full of poo, sick, screaming, tantrums, clock-watching etc, it's over when you fall asleep and you never ever have to have that day again. The next day is brand new, with no mistakes in it.

I feel scared and I'm pg with number 3! I think it's totally normal to have some fears about how you'll cope. You're certainly not alone.

The truth is that no one is a perfect parent, not one person. We all just do our best and sometimes not even that, sometimes we just do what's good enough to get by. It is challenging but also immensely rewarding. The good news is, you'll know your child better than anyone

Have you thought about listening to some
Pregnancy relaxation CDs? I got the natal
Hypnotherapy ones. There's a general relaxation one and a birth one. I used them in my last two pregnancies and am going to start using them again soon this time. I used to listen to them just before I went o sleep

Poor you. Fear is a natural emotion especially at this stage in pregnancy and the task ahead of you is overwhelming.

I had an irrational fear of stillbirth with DS2 (I heard news too when I was about 36 weeks). When i went into labour with DS2 I told my midwife this along with something like 'I want you to do everything you can to make sure this baby is alive as I have an irrational fear of of him not being born alive. I don't care how much you intervene.' The Midwife was lovely and whilst I am sure this didn't make any difference I told her my fear and helped me get through it. I can appreciate the fear about the birth etc, but ask yourself this' Why wouldn't it go right?' That is a more difficult question to answer, and maybe makes you look at your fear as slightly more irrational.

When baby is here you will be fine - you will worry but you will come to a point at which you accept that worry/fear - 5 years in I am just about cracking it.

You will be a brilliant Mum! All this stuff in your head, is sort rehearsing and acting out, and preparing for the days ahead - with a splash of hormones added into and confusing the mix. Speaking as a redundant Mum (kids long left home) becoming a good mother doesnt happen overnight. You and baby both learn about things day by day, week by week, it doesnt come all come at once. Sometimes you get things wrong first time, and then you learn how to do it better next time. Yes, and some stuff you never work out, but your baby will thrive and survive, s/he will love you and think you are the best thing in the world. And you can decide how to do all this stuff, exactly like your mum, or totally opposite to all the stuff she did - its your turn now, your own time, and you can choose how you ll mother, the stuff that will be important to you, and things that really wont matter to you. There will always be someone somewhere (and always someone here on MN) who you will be able to talk to, ask about their opinions and experience. Motherhood seems to be a common bond that all mothers love to talk about. Dont be scared, every day is different, you ll learn so much, and moreover you will love this little person more than you ever thought possible - and they will love you too, and thats the best thing in the whole world. When its bad its awful - but when its good, theres nothing as glorious, as wonderful, as beautiful as being a mother!

Parenthood is such a daunting prospect, but honestly, it will be fine. The comment your mw made about temperature was completely OTT. Both mine were summer babies and at times the temperature in the house was far higher than 18. We used common sense, kept it as cool as we could, they were fine.

When your DD is born she will need to be loved, kept safe and fed. The keeping safe is easy, feeding- you will get loads of help and advice on here, and even loving can happen gradually if it doesn't come straight away.

You will have good times and bad times, but you will muddle through, and your DD will be very lucky because she will have a mum who cares so much.

I think I hit an emotional wall around Week 38 of my pregnancy with DS, too. I had just been placed on bed rest for elevated BP and was an absolute wreck.

It is scary, no doubt about it. Nothing really can prepare you for what will happen. But it'll all work out in the end! Trust me!

I know it's cliche but try to relax and enjoy these last few blissful days of life pre-children. Your life will be forever changed.

Definitely take one day at a time. You don't need to worry about being a toddler's mum when your baby is a couple of days old and little babies don't really need much.

Try not to cling to any expectations you may have set yourself before your baby is born that you don't manage to reach or you don't like the idea of when it comes to it. If you don't do things as you expected you would, it isn't bad, just different. For example, I was going to exclusively BF for 6 months, I managed 5 days and then exclusively FF and just decided to accept it as the best choice I could make given the situation I was in. I am not encouraging you to FF, but if it turns out to be the best solution for you then don't beat yourself up over it as that changes nothing except making you unhappy.

Don't worry about the content of the books you have read or MW's advice. Your DD will be an individual and any one book's suggestions won't be the right thing for you. I haven't read any books since DD arrived and I read loads before. I just ask MN if I need advice.

I don't really think you become a mother in a single day. In some ways babies are like pets with basic physical needs and as they develop into little people you move from pet owner to fully involved parent. Obviously I won't be telling DD this when she is older, but one of the great things about tiny babies is that they don't notice and remember your wobbles. If it takes you a few months to really love your DD she won't know.

Don't worry OP, I'm also shitting myself.

I just had to post here OP and tell you that you'll be just fine and it will all be fine and you've nothing to worry about!

I completely get what you're going through, I remember going through that too, my FB DD is now 4 and have identical twin DSs, aged 17 months.

I never saw myself as the mothery/organised/ type but I tell you what - you have strengths and powers and resources you didn't know you had that kick in when your baby arrives.

Not to sound a bit like a clique/bit twee, but what I mean is that all the 'helpful' advice/preparation is all kind if abstract and not very useful until you're in the middle of caring for a new baby!

Just keep chatting to close friends/families about your fears and look to trusted older sisters/mothers or midwives for ongoing advice.

Of course it's hard to be positive but whenever I felt like this (and believe me, had my fair share of being mentally upagainstit with premature twin babies who didn't sleep nights until a year old, and very active toddler) but I (ok, I know it's cheesy!) alwasy think of the 'get busy living, get busy dying' phrase from the Shawshank redemption film. It just kicked me back into action and made me embrace my life rather than fearing it

A friend of mine gave me some good advice in the past that I always think about -
Having children is so universal that it must be something we're all capable of

Good luck and please let us know how it all goes!!!!

OP prob a bit late but is it worth getting a Hypnobirthing tape just to listen to and practice the breathing to help chill you out. I couldn't get in to it for ages but it totally worked on the day. Our teacher told us that if you are relaxed it helps "down there" dilate, rather than you being tense and holding it shut - so to speak,

In fact I wonder if there is some techy way I can email it to you from the computer - let me know if you are interested and I will ask DH how to do it.

Don't worry, I had a serious wobble tonight and my PFB was born in October. I wouldn't worry about the birth just the thought afterwards that "bloody hell she is going to look to us for being the fountains of all knowledge" - that's what scares me .

Dozy, I am sure you will be wonderful. Just have a low alcohol beer and put your feet up. When the baby arrives, as everyone says, all your instincts will kick in and you will know exactly what to do for the best. The human race has survived this long without handbooks and classes and films on childbirth and lord knows what else. You will be just fine.

May I recommend this:

www.amazon.co.uk/Pregnancy-Postpartum-Anxiety-Workbook-Compulsions/dp/1572245891

It's available on Kindle too! It has a lot of common-sense activities but also gives a good idea of when "normal" anxiety becomes something that needs a bit more help and support.

This is, of course, helpful if you ever need this information, but even if you don't, it really does highlight the spectrum of anxiety that new and expectant mothers can face. I felt like I was losing it and have had additional support this pregnancy, but working through this book helped. It also gave me an idea of the type of torment that other women who really were close to the precipice have gone and continue to go through .

Ooops, am obviously supposed to do this to make it easier for you to get to!

I have to say I think everything you are feeling is not what everyone feels but what a large majority of soon to be mothers feel except you don't mention it in rl because you think everyone will think you have lost your mind.

I remember before dd I thought wow am pg etc, but wtf do you mean I am going to have to give birth to a baby and take it home and keep it safe and warm and fed and loved until like FOREVER. Oh no, me I just was enjoying the attention during pg thing er yeah what did I think was going to happen ? If it helps (and it probably doesn't does it?) I then had exactly the same thoughts about ds, except this time it was how could I possibly love him when I was already totally in love with dd .

You aren't the only one and every single thing that you are feeling is not going to make you a bad mother, all those concerns that you have about you/dd etc aren't unusual, of course you will worry about the safety of yourself and your dd, you will feel like that eternally about her. I would have thought its your maternal instinct really kicking in. Good luck, I am sure everything will be fine hug

Dozy you will be a fantastic mother. I was similar to you during my pregnancy, I don't want to say too much because I don't want to give any more ideas, but I couldn't read a story about a baby/child if something had gone wrong, couldn't watch a TV prog about sick children, had the same worries about birth etc.

Try and focus on all the positives of birth like meeting your new DC, getting to know your new DC etc and the wonderful times you will spend together.

Don't worry about the bonding, lots of people don't bond immediately, but it will all happen in good time.

As EnglishMuffle said, just have an open mind about things and go with the flow. Everyone has their own way of doing things and different books will tell you different things so don't worry too much about what the books say.

I'm sure everything will go really well for you.

It's all worked out for me, and I'm one of the world's big worriers. You'll be fine. You need to keep reminding yourself to calm down. You need to calm down. You will be fine.

YANBU

I sat in the nursery on mat leave and sobbed as I'd changed my mind and didn't want to do this anymore.

I totally wasn't ready to be responsible for someone else for the next however many years.

But you know DD is 21m and I don't think I've done too bad. Sure I "could" have done things better and no doubt will make more mistakes.

The instinct will kick in and before you know it your baby will be nearly 2 and fine.

Blimey, I remember feeling suddenly terrrified before I had dd1 (who is now 22!). It was that 'oh my god, I have to actually have this child - it has to COME OUT OF MY FRONT BOTTOM' I sobbed and shook and decided I had changed my mind So, when it happened, it was all wrong - my lovely birth plan was out of the window - she had stopped growing at 32 weeks and I had to go to hospital and be induced. I then sat there for 5 days until it started, I then had an epidural 'no way am I going to have pain relief' I had stated smugly. It was fine. The birth was fine. She was fine. DS, now he was born ten years later, I was three days overdue when I woke in the middle of the night with blood pouring down my legs. the ambulance came, I was rushed to hospital, stabilised, had an epidural 'no way am I having an epidural again, i will have him naturally..' It was fine. he was fine. 6 years later, dd2. Now this was going to be the natural birth from heaven - two weeks overdue, in I go to be induced...epidural, back to back presentation, me screaming 'I'm 41 years old, leave me alone!!!'. It was fine, she was fine! I guess what I'm saying is you can't plan, you can't predict it, but it will be fine - and you will forget and be as blase as me

I had a shite pg, loads of serious complications.

Dd wasn't planned, I spent months torturing myself that I was Shit at being pg, and would be an equally Shit mum.

She is now a fab 2yo. And I feel more confident as a mum.

I second the previously poster.

Feed, cuddle, clean, enjoy

And step away from the books

X

Firstly, I'd like to second what others have said. Your worries are perfectly normal to an extent. You sound like you are going to be a brilliant mum...cos you care enough to worry this much about it

Secondly, your midwife sounds like a knob.

"One comment a MW made at an antenatal class keeps sticking with me "you must make sure the house is always 16-18c, if a baby is to hot or cold they may go to sleep and not ever wake up" "

What a ridiculous scaremongering way to advise about cot death! I can assure you I have never owned a thermometer and I have three happy, healthy children to show for it. I know a lot of parents, and I can't think of one who uses a thermometer. The midwife needs to understand that you are a human being with a brain, and you can judge whether your baby is hot or cold with reading a book.

Same goes for her breast feeding nonsense...yes, breast is best, but it's not easy for everyone. If it doesn't work for you, don't beat yourself up. Formula is safe, and it is very straightforward and easy to use. (Instructions are on the packet so you don't need to rely on the midwife for guidance )

Finally, you do need to take a step back and consider whether your anxiety is at an unreasonable level or not. The fears you have outlined are normal, yes, but if they're affecting your every day life and stopping you from functioning normally, then you need to get some professional help. I have lived through the hell of undiagnosed post-natal depression, because everyone I talked to fobbed me off with 'It's normal to worry'. Only when I told my mum that I felt like throwing myself down the stair so that it would all stop did I realise just how bad it had got. (I wasn't suicidal, I just wanted to break a bone or something so that someone would have to take over for a few weeks. I didn't actually do it but I came close.) Please don't let yourself get to that stage. If I'd have got help sooner I would have enjoyed the baby stage with my first two children a lot more. I had a completely different experience third time round because I managed my feelings better and made sure I had much more support.

Good luck...everything will be fine, you have wonderful things ahead of you.

I had a fairly easy pregnancy considering I am a bit old , and I think I was about 28 weeks when I was lounging in bed on a Saturday morning reading a baby supplement or other when BAM! It suddenly hit me. THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING! OMG OMG OMG! NO NO NO NO!
I spent the whole weekend in a bit of a daze about it all, crying all the time, I was going to be crap mum, what if this, what if that.

I think most pregnant women go through The Panic at some stage, I suppose for some it lasts longer and is more intense than others.

You are completely normal my lovely, and soon you will have your gorgeous snuggly little baby to dote on.
All the best x

Ok so now I'm sat here feeling a bit weepy, but actually in more of a good way. Because I know "wrong" to feel like this, but in actual fact it means I will be a good mum and that is all I want. Thank you so so much everyone for saying I'll be a good mum and giving me a bit of faith in myself.

MustControlFistOfDeath, norriscoleforpm and MadamTwoSwords You are so right about a panic suddenly hitting you. What you have all said strikes a cord with me. I've definitely sat there and though "HOLY FUCK this is actually happening, STOP! I'm scared I've changed my mind!" I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

professorsnape Unfortunately I don't really have the kind of relationship with DM where I can talk like that (that's a whole other subject though). I have no siblings either. Out of all my close friends I'm the first to have a baby and the other friends I have asked have said that they are/were not scared.

MosEisley My PG has gone quite well so far but I am classed as high risk and under consultant care for Epilepsy which is now medically controlled. You mentioned AN Depression, I really wonder why this is not discussed more I think the only place I have seen it mentioned is on MN . abbierhodes I am keeping an eye on my anxiety levels, I am managing to live day to day life. If things get out of hand I will seek professional help.

working9while5 I will try your recommendation if I really can't shake this feeling. It does look like it could really help.

CheshireDing and others who have mentioned hypno-birthing, TBO it's not something that I have thought about before but I think tomorrow I will look in to some relaxation techniques and maybe find some relaxing music etc. G1nger and the many of you have rightly said being relaxed especially during birth will help a lot.

abbierhodes and Pozzled re the nobhead OTT midwife thankfully she was just one of the women running the antenatal classes and hopefully I won't have to see her again.

Again thank you all for all for your very kind and reassuring comments, I don't know what I'd do without MN some times. I'm going to get some sleep now and remind myself (thanks to you lot) that very soon I'll have my lovely wonderful happy DD curled up in my arms very soon.

Thank you all so much.

x

Oh my dear, like everyone said, this is so normal. I could have written the same.

It might reassure you a bit to know that once the baby comes, and you have something concrete to deal with instead of all these abstractions that you're reading about, everything seems so much more simple.

I had never even changed a nappy when I had my DS. Everything just seemed so complicated and it seemed so important to do everything right.

But once he was actually born, well, it all became more straightforward. Turns out changing a nappy is no big deal! And you do learn what makes them happy or not, which takes away a lot of the anxiety about what the best approach is.

also the actual process of giving birth is very empowering and will give you lots of confidence (even if it's not the delivery you want, it's still amazing)

Really, it will all be fine

My 2 pennies worth, my bloody lovley midwife saved my life..
My Health Visitor if a bit scatty, is still in touch today, my boys are 10 and 14..

My mum still worries about me and my sister, Im 45, sis is 43..

I think with other peoples advice, experiences,
nod and look intrested, but in the end go with you gut feeling..