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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask you all how to get the message across to this woman that I don't want to talk to her.

99 replies

choccywoccydoohdah · 13/01/2012 16:16

Every bloody morning and afternoon on the school run I get collared by a mum whose DD is friends with my DD. She doesn't want to have a conversation, instead she just talks talks talks without letting me get a word in edgeways, about all sorts of things, with her face right up close to mine. I hadn't seen her for a few days this week as my DD has been off school. But at pick up today she spotted me and came over to "talk". She asked how I was and I said not too good as we've had a death in the family, and she immediately ignored that and started talking about something to do with herself.

She kept going on and on and on, and I get a bit of a panicky, claustrophobic feeling when she does it, as like I said she puts her face close to mine and talks away. If I try to say anything it's as if i haven't spoken, she just carries on talking so I just look at her blankly now with no expression whilst she talks. After 5 minutes I said "Right, I've got to get going anyway", and started walking (I have to be blunt as she doesn't listen so I just have to walk off) and she started walking with me, talking and talking. I ended up just saying "Bye then" and walking quickly away in the end.

Now I know she lacks social skills, but she is seriously making me dread the school run each day. I have friends there to stand with and chat to but she finds me wherever I am and starts talking. A few people have made comments about her in the past and said they don't like her and that they find her difficult to get on with. I think she thinks as our DDs are friends then we are "friends" too.

What can I do to get the message across to her? I really don't think she will get the message easily as I am trying now but she doesn't get it. I feel that even if I said "Look, I really don't want to stand and talk to you" she still wouldn't get it, as she wouldn't even hear me say it over her talking!

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 13/01/2012 18:02

no-one is saying she shouldn't take responsibility, but if she genuinely has no idea what it is she is doing wrong then how can she??

i just feel really sad thinking about this poor woman who just wants someone to talk to and everyone keeps being (in her eyes) really mean and unkind.

that's why I say the nice thing to do would be to say "would you mind standing a bit further away" etc etc

Slubberdegullion · 13/01/2012 18:03

thisisyesterday · 13/01/2012 18:03

i didn't say it made it ok did i? but it gives a reason or explanation for the behaviour

i would like to know though, why you are so sure that she doesn't have any kind of SN/disability.

is it because then you'd have to treat her nicely instead of just ignoring her?

PattiMayor · 13/01/2012 18:05

Most deaf people I know can see your mouth moving which is a good indication that you're talking.

Kladdkaka - it's not the OP's job to teach this woman social skills. I know it's hard when you are on the spectrum (my nephew is) but I don't think it's anyone else's job to teach him social boundaries apart from his family and friends.

HolofernesesHead · 13/01/2012 18:06

I wonder if she is v. intimidated by the playground and has latched on to you because you're nice and kind? And whether her lack of social skills is really anxiety? I picked up my dc from school today and noticed loads of mums sitting in their cars until the v. last moment to collect their dc - they obviously didn't want to be in the playground waiting.

So I wonder, if there are other mums whom you know who are nice, if you could arrange with them to meet them slightly earlier than normal, and stand with them, so you're not on your own, and also hopefully, the talky mum can start to get to know some other mums so it's not always just you she talks to / at. Does that sound possible?

Original poster

choccywoccydoohdah · 13/01/2012 18:07

Oh for goodness sake, thisisyesterday you are trying to read things into my behaviour or personality that aren't there! I do treat her nicely and I think that, given how she conducts herself, I have been very tolerant and kind to her so far.

She has never mentioned any kind of SN or disability and believe me, she has talked about her health on many occasions, and about herself.

Anyway, think about me what you will. I asked about how to stop her constantly hassling me and basically ruining school pick up, a time of day which should be enjoyable for me, collecting my daughter from school. I did not post to have someone like you analysing me and trying to make out that I am unkind and intolerant, which I most certainly am not.

OP posts:

HolofernesesHead · 13/01/2012 18:07

Just to add, I know someone who does exactly this talky thing when she is v. anxious and can't articulate her anxiety.

thisisyesterday · 13/01/2012 18:10

ohhh ok it's one of those "am i being unreasonable" but don't actually say I am because then i'll get all stroppy and go off on one cos i don't really want to know?

I'll save my breath then, you should do whateeeeever you like

ScooterJuice · 13/01/2012 18:10

Yeah I'm a babbler and it's anxiety-led, but this has been going on for three years! And I like to think I can shut myself up if it's obvious the other person has had enough.

It doesn't matter that much WHY the other person is doing it, really, though - it's upsetting the OP and she has come here asking for ideas on how to get her to stop. Not to be lynched for being mean to someone with SN (which we don't even know if the other woman even has).

everlong · 13/01/2012 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

choccywoccydoohdah · 13/01/2012 18:15

thisisyesterday had you read my oP properly you would see that I asked for ways to stop her talking to me, not whether I am being unreasonable by being fed up with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

choccywoccydoohdah · 13/01/2012 18:15

Thanks those that have offered supportive and constructive replies

OP posts:

Jemma1111 · 13/01/2012 18:21

Choccy

I agree she is being overbearing but its best not to wind up being rude to her, whats going to happen when your dd wants to invite her friend for tea etc, and vice versa?
I bet it won't be long before they're asking!

Maybe this woman wants to get to know you more so she can feel comfortable with her child maybe spending time with you.

Original poster

choccywoccydoohdah · 13/01/2012 18:23

Well she won't get to know me if she doesn't listen to a word I say, will she?

I had no intention of being rude, Jemma :)

OP posts:

toddlerama · 13/01/2012 18:27

Not everyone who's rude has SN. That is insulting to those who do. Sometimes people are just self centred and pushy. The OP has no idea which of these options is correct, and forming an opinion based on 10 minute playground interactions would be bloody patronising. It isn't OP's job to teach this other mother boundaries whether she is or isn't on the spectrum. If she doesn't want to talk to her, she doesn't have to! I like slubbers suggestion. Have used similar to good effect in clubs/bars. Don't think I'd have the bottle to do it in daylight though.

pigletmania · 13/01/2012 18:37

Oh dear. I would just totally ignore her, and turn my back towards her and start chatting to the mums you want to. If she comes up to your face, I would say 'do you mind' . Looks like you have to be rude to get the message across to her.

GlitterKitty · 13/01/2012 18:48

Could you just start a conversation with someone, and when she comes over say 'I'm sorry, I'm just having a word with X, I'll come over to you in a minute!' then firmly carry on talking to X, before popping over to TalkyLady for a quick chat?

Maybe treating her firmly but kindly, like a kid, will help?

working9while5 · 13/01/2012 19:49

You could try creating a "fence" between you both - you can do this by putting your hands out in front of you, palms out.. to avoid it looking aggressive, you can gesture while you do it or do something with your arms, e.g. hold out a bag and put a book in it, in an fashion that exaggerates the space in front of your body. Step back as you do it. Keep yourself in a position where you are not going to e.g. back into a wall, and continue to take a step back every time she gets closer to you.

If she continues to move towards you when you are doing this, you need to be direct. Look her in the eye and be very clear, say "please stop moving towards me, I usually keep about this much [and gesture] space between myself and other people when I am talking to them in the school ground". Don't make apologies or waffle, just say it.

I work with students with AS and there are times I will literally look at them and say: "please don't touch my neck when you walk up behind me. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don't want to talk to you when you do this". They don't find this insulting, they usually say "oh okay miss". I don't say it in an angry or rude way, just very matter of fact and in the same voice I would use for any other interaction and we continue on...

working9while5 · 13/01/2012 19:50

(And if she has no SN and is this unaware of boundaries, the same approach will work just as well...).

DartsAgain · 13/01/2012 21:09

And I doubt deafness is an issue here, as some have suggested. I am partly deaf, but I don't talk non stop at people and I am well practised in reading body language to aid in understanding situations. Also, I often tell people I have this problem, which does help as people then make more of an effort to speak clearly.

This lady, as described by OP, sounds more like she's only interested in herself.

Whatmeworry · 13/01/2012 21:16

Interrupt them with your own monologue...usually does the trick.

ClothesOfSand · 13/01/2012 21:31

I don't think that everybody does want to be included in social circles. This woman might just have fixated on the OP.

We have no reason to believe she has an ASD. The description of her sounds more like that of somebody with a personality disorder (about 4% of the population), or she could just be a rude person.

Garliccheesechips · 13/01/2012 22:19

Jesus Christ, the OP is understandably exasperated.
OK, the woman in question could have all manner of disorders.

But perhaps, just perhaps, this woman has a shite personality and is just really bloody annoying. You know, sometimes people are just wankers.

Fuck me, don't get so worked up.

skybluepearl · 13/01/2012 23:57

Mybe the lady is lonely and trying to make friends with you? She sounds like she is trying to make conversation as you make very little. Is it a big deal. If you don't want to talk, just say sorry to love and leave you but I've got to talk to xxx/pop in the school/chat to the teacher etc. Or just keep taking a step back to get a comfortable distance. And keep taking that step back - or claim you have an infectious temp and tell her to keep well back

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