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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just accept that having a hard to settle bf baby means I just won't get out at night for a while?

65 replies

Caz10 · 12/01/2012 21:01

Dd2 is 8mths, ebf and a nightmare to get to sleep...well not a nightmare but it takes a good few attempts and I am normally up and down to her at least 3-5 times from "bedtime" till about 11pm when she seems to settle in for a longer stretch of sleep. It's not great but it's not terrible, but obviously I haven't been out in the evening (without her anyway) since she was born. I'm starting to feel the pressure, friends being less understanding if I cant make a night out etc...tbh I'm ok with it for now, I'm pretty knackered to be thinking of nights out anyway... But am being made to feel that AIBU...what do you think?

OP posts:

WibblyBibble · 12/01/2012 21:06

No, YANBU. People are seriously ridiculous with the pressure to 'get back to normal' when you still have a young baby. 2nd DD had only just stopped with colic at 8mo so was so knackered I didn't want to go anywhere except the sofa. If you don't feel like it then what's the point?

Bogeyface · 12/01/2012 21:08

Do you have a DH/DP/OH?

If you do then why isnt he also doing bedtime? If you do one night and he does another then you get every other night off the job and also, if you want to go out then you can.

At 8 months, you could express enough for one night out a month.

Pozzled · 12/01/2012 21:09

Are you me?
DD2 is 7 months, but other than that I could have written your post. It doesn't really bother me that I can't go out for an evening very easily. (Although I would kill to have some uninterrupted evenings with my DH, or just a couple of hours to sit and read a book). I've been trying to catch up with friends when I can in the daytime, or ask them to come to me for an evening. So I don't think YABU, but I understand that it could be frustrating for your friends.

Bogeyface · 12/01/2012 21:09

Sorry, I should have said, I know that at the moment you arent bothered about going out, but the day will come when you will. If you are the only parent that does bedtimes then you wont be able to because the baby may not settle for your OH. And every parent should know how to do the basics like bathing, feeding, bedtimes etc!

Haziedoll · 12/01/2012 21:11

Yanbu. I felt the same with my two and they weren't even bf.

LadySybilPussPolham · 12/01/2012 21:12

YANBU
I didn't get out much for nearly a year with both of mine. PITA in some ways but on the other hand I was very sad to stop bf. You have to do what feels right for you - it's not really for long in the great scheme of things. Would you put those unsympathetic friends before your baby?

Pozzled · 12/01/2012 21:16

Bogeyface, speaking for myself, I know perfectly well that DH needs to be able to settle DD2- as does he. And sometimes he can, but mostly we're at the stage where we're glad if she falls asleep in the cot after 2 hours. We also have DD1 who occasionally plays up at bedtime. It's not that I can't go out for a night, I could, and DH would cope. But it wouldn't really be fair to do on anything like a regular basis. Most nights we're both around and it's much, much easier with two.

thisisyesterday · 12/01/2012 21:19

yanbu

i didn't want to leave my babies at that age anyway, and I couldn't have left ds2 or ds3 as they were feeding too frequently.
i used to invite people over sometimes though, cos then it didn't matter!

dh never had a problem settling them once they were much, much older and I wanted to go out though even though I'd always fed them to sleep

CrotchFlakes · 12/01/2012 21:22

I've spent years sitting down at a restaurant table saying "you've got 90 minutes"

Yes you could express and flaff around but if you don't want to, don't.

ISpyPlumPie · 12/01/2012 21:22

YANBU. I was similar with DS, only really managed to go out for the evening a few months after he turned one - even though he had a really varied diet by then and had started having cows milk at 12 months, it had to be boob at bedtime . I also felt that (mainly childless) friends were starting to get a bit fed up with me not going on nights out, but in the end I just thought it isn't going to be forever and I wouldn't have been able to enjoy myself while worrying about DS not settling. Instead, I met up with people during the day as much as possible/kept in touch in other ways.
DS is now 2 and things have moved on. I still BF, but go out in the evening fairly regularly now and have even left him overnight with DH/GPs a couple of times without incident!

I had started to think I'd never leave the house alone after nightfall again, but looking back it was a relatively short period of time. Thinking about TTC again this year so will have to remind myself of that if no. 2 is a complete milk monster as well .

Bogeyface · 12/01/2012 21:23

I am not saying that the OP should go out and leave them, but her OP reads like she does it all on her own every night. If that is the case then that is a bigger issue to me. What if she is ill or has to go to hospital? My ex never put the kids to bed and when I was staying in hospital with our youngest he couldnt deal with it! They ran rings around him and he was useless, because every night he made excuses. I had fallen into the trap of doing it myself because it was easier, but that changed the week we were home!

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 12/01/2012 21:24

YANBU. LO is 5mo and sounds similar to yours. I've just started going to the gym just down the road twice a week, but wouldn't risk going any further (DP can call me back from there if he can't settle DS)

Friends (real friends) have realised that they have to come to me (or the gym!) if they want to see me in the evenings, or arrange family friendly outings at weekends.

NinkyNonker · 12/01/2012 21:25

YANBU. I did bedtime every night till DD was a year old simply because it was easier. If I was tutoring and time started pressing DH would start the process. There was no problem when we started alternating nights when she got to 13 months. Do what you feel happy with.

Original poster

Caz10 · 12/01/2012 21:29

Thanks all. DH is willing to try, when he is here (he does a lot of nightshifts), but at the moment she just screams and doesn't settle for him. Dd1 was the same but it improved around 10mths, although to be fair we were forced into it, I started back at work at 9mths then had to be away over bedtime a couple of times after that.

Re expressing - I am woefully bad at it! Despite a dazzling array of pumps and boobs that shoot milk across the room at inoportune moments, I can't get a bloody drop out. But now that she is on solids I am happy for her to have an occasional bottle of formula if the need arises- is there a chance that would make her settle more easily for dh anyway? Who knows!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 12/01/2012 21:31

It might, not because it is formula but because he would feed her then put her to bed and she would learn a "Daddy Routine" as well as her mummy one! The kids wouldnt settle for ex at first but i stayed strong (OK, I used to find a reason to go to the shop, or nip to my mums!) and they all, DH and the kids, soon got sorted.

Original poster

Caz10 · 12/01/2012 21:34

Bogeyface is right to a certain extent, in that I do do it all at bedtime, when he is here dh does dd2 though which makes it all much easier. I do get really pissef off on nights like tonight, we are both sitting on the couch tired out and I am now on my 4th trip upstairs to resettle her....seems pointless to send him up tho when it doesn't work, and to be fair he does do the tea dishes, sort the kitchen, get me a cuppa etc while I'm up here!

OP posts:

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 12/01/2012 21:45

While I don't think you're unreasonable to stay in, I do think DH needs to keep trying to learn how to settle her if she wakes. FWIW, here, DP does bath time, I feed and settle LO to sleep, then if he wakes before we go to bed DP goes to him first. If he can't settle him (maybe 2/10 times) we figure he must be hungry so I go up and offer food. I feel so much better since DP learnt a few of his own ways to settle LO and it's not always me traipsing up and down stairs! Now we just need LO to accept a bottle so that DP can do the feed/sleep bit too

LiegeAndLief · 12/01/2012 21:51

Def not unreasonable if that's what you're happy with.

When I had dc1 I felt under immense pressure to go out to dh's Christmas work dinner when he (ds, not dh) was 3 months old. I left him with a good friend and a fridge full of expressed milk and had a miserable time worrying about him as I made small talk with dh's colleagues and my breasts gradually expanded past the confines of my bra (and nearly dress). He actually settled very well in the evenings from about 6 months, and I didn't go out again until then, so wasn't really an issue.

I didn't leave dd (dc2) in the evening until she was 14 months old, and even then I had to get her to sleep before I left. She was just like your dd and woke frequently through the evening (and sadly night), only to settle with bf. Think she started settling with dh at about 18-20 months ish, although she would still prefer me now at 2.6yr. Yes, I probably made a rod for my own back in many ways. Did I give a fuck? No. It was the best way for all of us at the time and I didn't resent it because I knew it wouldn't be forever. I was much happier not going out for 14 months than I was going to that dinner at 3 months. Obviously this isn't for everyone, but I what I have spent a long time trying to say is that you should just carry on doing what you feel is right for you and your family, and sod what anyone else thinks.

maddening · 12/01/2012 21:51

not too dissimilar for me but ds is 11 mths old, have drawn the same conclusion

FabbyChic · 12/01/2012 21:54

I didn't go out until my son was 4. He was bottle fed too. Why would I want to go out when I had an awesome child at home? he was no trouble sleeping either ever, but then I did work full time and didn;t get home until gone 6.

Original poster

Caz10 · 12/01/2012 21:55

Ok I don't feel too daft now. Do you think it is just difficult for other people to understand if they haven't been there? I seem to be the only one, others are either childless or have babies that just sleep, for anyone!

OP posts:

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 12/01/2012 21:58

You're definitely not the only one! My good friends do understand. Those that still keep inviting me to things that start at 6pm, or, worse, who turn up on the doorstep just as we're running the bath, aren't real friends. I think fabby sums it up brilliantly - why would you want to go out when you have an awesome family?

Bogeyface · 12/01/2012 22:00

It is really hard when you dont have an easy bedtimer. I admit to being smug because for me the kids always settled easily and slept from 7 til 7 with no bother, all but one did that from 6 weeks ish onwards. So for a while I was a bit dismissive of bad sleepers, I very much thought "OFFS, just put them down and leave them and they will soon get used to it"

My 4th child disabused me of that notion! I had her in October 2004, I had her brother in October 2005 and HE slept through 2 weeks BEFORE she did :o I was alot more sympathetic after that!

WhiteTrash · 12/01/2012 22:15

Me too. Word for word. My 8 month old.

Our time will come. I like the fact its winter, at least its not summer and Im not missing out.

lurkingaround · 12/01/2012 22:31

YAtotallyNBU. Oh ffs, it really bugs me that people are so intolerant of babies. 7 months is nothing! Your DD's needs are her needs. I rem trying to go out with my first, fussing about and expressing and all the rest of it. Did do it. To "fit in". Be normal. Never enjoyed myself anyway, knowing she was unsettled, therefore I was unsettled etc etc. 2nd time round was so bloody knackered, didn't have the energy to care less.
Delighted to see my friends, when they called to me with a takeaway and wine. With the fabulous benefit of hindsight I say: this is a tiny amount of time for a little lovely who is entirely dependant on you for everything.
When we were studying there was feck all time for social life, people were soo understanding. Why not the same tolerance when it comes to babies?

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