To just accept that having a hard to settle bf baby means I just won't get out at night for a while?

[Caz10]

Dd2 is 8mths, ebf and a nightmare to get to sleep...well not a nightmare but it takes a good few attempts and I am normally up and down to her at least 3-5 times from "bedtime" till about 11pm when she seems to settle in for a longer stretch of sleep. It's not great but it's not terrible, but obviously I haven't been out in the evening (without her anyway) since she was born. I'm starting to feel the pressure, friends being less understanding if I cant make a night out etc...tbh I'm ok with it for now, I'm pretty knackered to be thinking of nights out anyway... But am being made to feel that AIBU...what do you think?

Dd2 is 8mths, ebf and a nightmare to get to sleep...well not a nightmare but it takes a good few attempts and I am normally up and down to her at least 3-5 times from "bedtime" till about 11pm when she seems to settle in for a longer stretch of sleep.

I'm going to throw the spanner in. All mine were FF - and slept, from 6 weeks , from 8pm till 4am - which suited me fine as Im an early riser. DS3 would sleep from 4pm through to 8am from 6 weeks.

EBF - thats extended breast feeding? as in not actually necessary or not wouldn't be called extended? the words Rod/back/own/make spring to mind.

I think ebf in this context means exclusively bf. Maybe. I'm not sure 8 months is really extended (although as I am bfing 2.6yo occasionally I may have a skewed view...).

Couldn't agree more with lurkingaround. But it took two babies for me to reach that conclusion

i think it means exclusive Trois not extended, so the baby isnt offered any FF at all.

I am a FF myself, and as i said above all but one of my six was sleeping 12 hours from v early on. But, thats me and I am happy with that. why should the OP change a feeding method she is happy with just to suit her friends when she doesnt really want to go out anyway?

She is only making a rod for her own back if she is unhappy, and she isnt. Her childless friends are the problem not her BF!

YANBU - I feel your pain. DS slept through 8-7 from 6 weeks, but DD, 6mo is a demon to settle for every (meagre) sleep in the day and when first going down for the night and still wakes for midnight and 4am feeds and at other random times during the evening. She has also turned into a bottle refuser so is definitely not a good babysitting prospect for anyone at the moment! Doesn't bother me - as you say it's a short time and once you've accepted that this is the way it is for now, it's fine. lurking agree - the shortness and loveliness of it really comes home to you with no2 I think.

We tend to share the bedtimes but DH gets fed up after 20mins whereas I have more patience, as well as boobs, BUT I go out to choir one night a week come what may and DH just has to sort her out no matter what. This has been the case since she was 6 weeks old.

We've just invested in a musical mobile and a light/music/rainforest noises thing for DD's cot. We always poo-poohed this stuff with DS but it has made a real difference in helping her to settle, as has putting her down at the first sign of tiredness without fail otherwise she turns into a screaming banshee

I think the main thing is you are happy with the situation.

Since I've had children I'm really not as interested in going out. It probably took me about a year after each one was born to want to go out in the evening. My social life has changed completely and I spent time with other mums who understand life as a mum.

As your DD is on solids maybe you could arrange a nice lunch out with your friends instead when DH can look after the little ones.

I was just going to post something similiar about my own situation. DS is 3 months old, ebf and I have got my best friend's very important birthday night out on Saturday. It is just a meal at Pizza Express and then everyone else is going for drinks.

But my dilemma is that I have two options.

1. Go and take DS with me as I simply cannot leave him yet which could be absolutely fine or a nightmare as he is usually very placid but can be prone to unexplained bouts of crying.

or 2. Don't go.

I want to do the latter as I am absolutely knackered at the moment but she is a really good friend and I don't want to let her down when she has come to every special occasion of mine. It is a half hour drive there and back for the meal as well so I won't be home until after 10 at the earliest. Any thoughts? Sorry to hijack but I thought it made sense not to start my own similar thread!

Dont go.

SHe wont want a baby there possibly going crackers, and if you put it like that then I am sure she will be fine.

And you would be happier and more relaxed at home, and therefore so will your baby. chances are, you going out is more likely to result in him having a crying fit.

Definitely stay at home and say that you will do something extra special next year :)

Thanks Bogeyface, I will tell her you said it was ok for me not to go . He is only just getting into a bedtime routine now as well so I don't want to disrupt all that as well.

Oh, dont bugger that up for a pizza and plateful of stress!

A good bedtime routine is worth its weight in gold! The only reason that DD didnt go to bed on time on the 2nd December is because it was her brothers 21st that I organised, anything less than that would have been a firm no! and tbh, I am wishing we had paid for a babysitter :o

My son was like that, took him a longgggg time to get to a point where he would settle easily

I too agree that it is ridiculous the 'pressure' to get back to 'normal'

You are in the baby years! Nowt wrong with that!

Trois have I misinterpreted your post, or are you saying that your child slept regularly for a 16 hour stretch? Surely that's not healthy!

I'm EBFing my 7 week old and we go to things he can come to with us / me as I can just feed him whenever he wants to be fed. I've been out once in the evening when he was 4 weeks old for a pre-arranged family night. I left lots of expressed milk and DH had a lovely boys night, plus I enjoyed letting my hair down and sleeping for 8 hours as DH did the night feed too. I can't imagine doing it regularly as it's a faff to get enough expressed milk and I'd rather he doesn't have formula while he's still so little.

Sorry for rambling on! I'm trying to say that YANBU There is definitely something in the theory that child free friends might not 'get it ' though. Before I had my PFB, I would have been completely if someone wouldn't leave an 8 month old baby as I'd think it was long enough to be getting out. Of course, now I know there 's nowhere more lovely than at home with my baby so why bother going anywhere

Yanbu, do what is right and best for you. If they are good friends they will understand.

Formula doesn't mean better sleep.

Extended is an overused term generally applied to those feeding past 6 months odd, but incorrectly. Correct term is natural term breastfeeding, which means until the child weans, generally around 2 to 4 yrs old.

WHO recommends feeding to 2 yrs, so extended bf certainly doesn't apply until after that.

reddaisy what have yOu decided to do? I had a similar invitation a month or so ago, ended up meeting a few of them a wee while before the meal, I took dd and had (soft) drinks and a starter, she lasted till about 7:30 then started getting tired at which point I bailed out, fed her in the car and drove home. Felt I'd been out but was still home with her!

I think it is actually easier when they are tiny- I had a wedding when she was 9wks, I was a bridesmaid actually, we stayed till almost 11pm and only left then cos dd1 was flagging, the baby was easy! But from about 12 weeks or so she started to need a bedtime.

trois I used ebf as meaning exclusively bf, only because that is how I have seen it used here, just to make the point really that she has not had a bottle! She is only 8mths so def not extended! (dd1 self weaned at 3yrs I would call that natural term bf as mentioned above). She may well have been a better sleeper if I'd ff, but that is neither here nor there now!

Tbh no I am not missing going out at all, pretty exhausted by this time of night, I felt like that even before dd2came along! But some things I do feel genuinely bad missing out on. It is only for a relatively short while I suppose!

Caz10 - I still haven't decided. I was all set for cancelling but my mum has just said I should go as she has been such a good friend to me over the years so now I don't know again.

To complicate things even further I can't stand her DP for very good reasons and I don't want to be in the same room as him but I realise I might have to try extremely hard to overcome this and put her first.

And I totally agree with you, when they are brand new they are far more portable but now he is 3 months and the new routine has worked again tonight I soooo don't want to go.

It would be good to do something earlier in the day but I feel it is a bit late to suggest that now especially as my get-out plan is the coward's way out as I might call in sick!

Call in sick RedDaisy!

you dont want to go, you dont like her OH and your baby will be better off at home. I see no reason why you should go!

I was in a similar situation but DH has learn to settle him. He rings me if babe really really needs me though - which is usually right at the end of the evening anyway if it happens at all.

Im so with you Caz, mine was super easy when tiny as well! (unlike my colicky pfb).

I dont think bf now is a rod for a backs. Well, the rod is subjective. Im tied to home but I dont consider it a rod, many would. If Im still doing it when hes 18 months then I'll reconsider!

I think you need to decide what the right balance is for you. It's not impossible to get out. You could express milk and leave your husband to settle his child. Personally I would be doing that by 8 months (but to put it in context, I was back at work well before then so an evening out wouldn't have seemed such an obstacle). Or, if you want a night out with your husband, express milk and book a babysitter.

On the other hand, if you are fine with the situation and your husband is too- then what's the problem?

I think the only issue in such situations is where the mother becomes a martyr about it, and insists on being the 'only one' who can meet the child's needs, even though she may be worn out, resentful and with a husband whos getting increasingly fed up with the restrictions on life

Of course life changes when you have kids- but it doesn't have to stop. Personally I don't sign up to the idea that you shouldnt expect to get out of the house for a year or so after having a baby. Little ones are remarkably flexible and resilient.

You are right callmemrs, it isn't on if it is a problem iyswim. We're happy enough with it for now, I am enjoying having a longer mat leave than I did the last time round so not feeling the urgency to "hand over" so much. Although I am lolling a bit at "book a babysitter" I see that mentioned on here quite a lot, maybe in busier towns/cities there are agencies or something but we don't have any babysitters to book! Well, mil would do it but that is a whole other thread ha ha!

I felt exactly the same when I was feeding both my daughters. They are now 9 and 6 and I go out quite a lot. Have had no regrets about taking time out when they were babies and not faffing about with expressing etc. I was rubbish at it anyway. I have not lost any friends and I doubt whether any of them remember the few times that I declined an invite.

THat is nice to hear! I know, it is all a short term thing, and it's not just the feeding, I am completely skint, tired and a bit chubby! The sofa is my friend! Dd was 3 when dd2 came along, by then I was feeling back to my old self and happy to go out a lot, my time will come again!

Oh my god I can't believe I came across this thread this morning! My DS2 is 8 months and BF. I went out last night (2.5 hours from leaving the house to coming back) to meet friends I have not seen in a year. Poor DH nerves were shot. DS just screamed all evening eventually falling asleep with exhaustion. He is a real happy chap during the day and will go to anyone but wants to be on top of me all evening. It was the same with DS1 until over the year and sleeping in the evenings. I have now cancelled all future nights out until he is older. I don't care really. Am too tired for carrying on in the evenings anyway. Would be nice to have the choice though....

I should also add that my friends all think I am cracked. All their kids are Gina Forded and sleep 7-7. But I don't give a toss.