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Original poster

To think that divorce can't be that bad!

60 replies

Zalen · 12/01/2012 19:35

Please ignore me if you need to but I need to rant and if I don't do it here then I'll do it on my facebook page and my parents, mil and husband are all 'friends'.

I've just finished doing 2 days worth of washing up, I'm about to dish up dinner, the dinner that I cooked after an eight hour day at work. In fact I can't remember the last time my husband cooked dinner. I work 37.5 hours a week, he works 4.5. Monday night he went out saying that he'd get the last bus home, he turned up at 7am on Tuesday morning, 1 hour after I'd got up to get the kids ready for school, 3 hours after I'd woken up and realised he wasn't home and been unable to get any more sleep.

I hate the person I'm turning into, when I heard the front door open on Tuesday morning my first thought wasn't 'thank god he's ok', no it was 'damn, he's not dead!'

I cry every day, I hate feeling like this.

Before Christmas I tried to tell him how I felt, I told him that I hate being around him, and that his attitude is destroying our marriage, his response, 'have you seen the data cable to transfer pictures from my phone to the laptop?'

Thanks for reading / or not.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 12/01/2012 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 12/01/2012 19:54

Basically he needs to decide if he's willing to put in the effort to save your marriage (and you also need to decide if you want him to). And I think he has pretty much already answered tbh :(
Would it help if you took control? Asked him to leave? Asked him to go to relate?

IslaValargeone · 12/01/2012 19:59

He doesn't appear to be contributing to the relationship on any level at all.
In my opinion, the 'damn, he's not dead' thought is a sure fire sign that you don't want him in your life, but wish he'd disappear rather than having the hassle of getting rid.
Go with the hassle, rather than putting up with crying every day. Life's too short.

Vicky0790 · 12/01/2012 20:03

That sounds terrible. You need to explain how you feel and what you want to change as you can't go on like this.

BrokenBananaMeltdown · 12/01/2012 20:06
Sad
Lueji · 12/01/2012 20:13

No, divorce is not that bad.

LoveHandles88 · 12/01/2012 20:16

I would never put up with any of that crap!! You sound like you are way more deserving than this!!!! Chin up, and give him the choice, work more and do more at home or jolly well feck off!!

Minstrelsaremarvellous · 12/01/2012 20:36

Divorce is horrendous. But when I was a single parent I was in control of my life and there weren't any sleepless nights waiting for someone to come home. Especially when the person didn't seem to care about coming home. However, I would suggesting trying a zillion other steps before divorce.

headfairy · 12/01/2012 20:40

I can't tell you anything about divorce, but I'm fairly sure it can't be any worse than what you're living with right now. :(

Whatmeworry · 12/01/2012 20:42

what would change if he wasn't around?

K999 · 12/01/2012 20:47

I had a husband like that. He's now my ex. Best decision I ever made. Marriage is a partnership. It does take work and effort but it has to come from both sides.

frumpet · 12/01/2012 20:56

Yes , divorce would be a lot easier . You would have one less man child to look after ,therefore your workload would be less . would you like the name of a good solicitor ?

AlexandraPeppernose · 12/01/2012 21:00

Divorce can be very positive when compared to shit like that

Mutt · 12/01/2012 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 12/01/2012 21:05

My parents' divorce was absolutely the right thing for my parents and no doubt not 'that bad' - for me and my brother, not so much.

For us it was 'that bad'.

How is he with them, is all this affecting them? How many dc do you have?

WibblyBibble · 12/01/2012 21:08

At least after the divorce you'll have one less lot of washing up and a weekend a fortnight off, is how I'd see it. He sounds like a useless git, commiserations.

trixie123 · 12/01/2012 21:23

Divorce is horrible, awful and gut wrenching if you are pulling apart something that was fantastic and you know could have been made to work if some different decisions had been made, but in your circumstances I can only imagine that once the formalities and practicalities were dealt with it would be a relief and a breath of fresh air. Does he really not realise the imbalance and how you feel?

myncichips · 12/01/2012 21:23

I have no advice on divorce but didn't want to read and run. That all sounds truly crap. He needs to start taking some responsibility.

I hope you have a bit of support around you (friends/family? even the most mad family will normally spring to your aid in this sort of situation) or you could always go to relate alone if he won't go with you/you don't want to go with him.

I'd say this post and the feedback you'll get are the start of something for you and you are in control of that something you just have to do the really really hard bit of deciding what you want and working out how on earth to get it.

Good luck!

bejeezus · 12/01/2012 23:35

That sounds very much like my marriage

The decision and the process of divorce is completely hideous

But once you are out the other side it is a damn sight better than that

LadyEatsCrispsALot · 12/01/2012 23:53

Simple. Can you live with this? I had very similar situation and I decided I was worth more. It's horrible seperating, emotional and not easy by any means. But, I now have my own life, I am in control of my life.
Just talk to him about how you feel. Marriage is meant to be caring and supportive. I realised mine wasn't.
Good luck and I hope you find what you deserve. X

xxcozxx · 13/01/2012 00:56

Well, in all honesty, why did you get married in the first place if it turns out you can only handlle a couple of years?? thats not a marriage, thats pathetic. Obv you thought you could last longer....but HOW?? what went wrong? its unfair on children to be forced away from dad cause mummy got bored and fancied a change...

giraffesCanGoFirstFootingOnNYE · 13/01/2012 02:07

Ignore coz - they are a trip trap

dreamingbohemian · 13/01/2012 02:49

Try this -- list the 3 or 4 things that are keeping you from saying 'I want a divorce' right now.

I did this once before calling off an engagement, and I think it really helped clarify that things were so bad there was no other option really.

Original poster
Zalen · 13/01/2012 07:35

Thank you for all the comments, to be honest I really thought all the answers would be more like coz and wondering why I was being so petty.

In answer to some of the questions raised, I've been married 21 years, we've gone through bad spots before but things have improved, this time there seeems to be no possibility of anything getting better, he is still convinced that we are happily married.

I've told him that I want a divorce, he says I don't have grounds, when I told him that as far as I understand it the only grounds I need are the unretrievable breakdown of our relationship he said he didn't agree.

He apparently thinks ignoring the fact that I'm unhappy will solve all problems. I can't trust him, he lies to me and when I confront him about it he says he's trying to protect me!

What would change after divorce. Well for one thing I would know that when I got home from work I would have to cook for me and the kids, (2, 17 & 7) instead of the irrational hope that today he'll have done something for me instead of for all his myriad 'friends' and dinner will be at least on if not actually ready.

OP posts:
rogersmellyonthetelly · 13/01/2012 07:42

Compared with living with a dead weight like this for a husband, no divorce
Is not that bad. You will be well rid of him and on your way to getting your life back. Best of luck with it.