To think that divorce can't be that bad!

[Zalen]

Please ignore me if you need to but I need to rant and if I don't do it here then I'll do it on my facebook page and my parents, mil and husband are all 'friends'.

I've just finished doing 2 days worth of washing up, I'm about to dish up dinner, the dinner that I cooked after an eight hour day at work. In fact I can't remember the last time my husband cooked dinner. I work 37.5 hours a week, he works 4.5. Monday night he went out saying that he'd get the last bus home, he turned up at 7am on Tuesday morning, 1 hour after I'd got up to get the kids ready for school, 3 hours after I'd woken up and realised he wasn't home and been unable to get any more sleep.

I hate the person I'm turning into, when I heard the front door open on Tuesday morning my first thought wasn't 'thank god he's ok', no it was 'damn, he's not dead!'

I cry every day, I hate feeling like this.

Before Christmas I tried to tell him how I felt, I told him that I hate being around him, and that his attitude is destroying our marriage, his response, 'have you seen the data cable to transfer pictures from my phone to the laptop?'

Thanks for reading / or not.

What a wanker.

I literally cannot think of anything more to type.

Alright. I've got my head around just how much of a twunt he is.

You need to sit him down and explain that he has two options.
a) He grows the fuck up, starts helping out around the house, stops going out so much and starts pulling his weight.
b) He goes up the stairs, packs a suitcase and goes to live in a hotel/with his mother/with his friends/with a hobo in an underpass.

You cannot let him treat you like this any more. You have a full-time job for goodness sake. You are not a single parent and therefore he can either start sailing the relation-Ship or he can fuck the fuck off to the far end of fuck.

How is he with the kids? If he barely works, does he spend a lot of time with them?

How did you get through bad spots before? Is counseling an option?

What does he lie to you about?

YANBU to be fed up but with 3 kids and 21 years I think it's good to be really sure there is no way to improve things.

Although if his response to 'I want a divorce' is to ignore the problem rather than get his act together, that's a pretty good sign that things aren't going to get better.

I would give him Stealth's options and throw in a solicitor's appointment as well to get him to take you seriously.

Second that splitting up , even when its the right thing , is very difficult and an emotional rollercoaster. However time heals and for me 2 years on ( xh left me) I am just soooo happy and now have a clean page of a life ahead of me.

Many friends of mine are deeply unhappy in their marriages and I only wish I could bottle how I am now and give it to them for courage

What a dick.

Honestly - divorce is pretty awful and Ex and I were pretty cordial about the whole thing. Yours might not be. But the divorce procedure does not last as long as a rotten marriage can and not all of it is awful. Think of it as giving birth to your new life. No-one likes the labour but it is not as bad as you fear and at the end of it you have your freedom.

One of the biggest things I took from my first marriage is that the question is "am I unhappy" not "are we unhappy". You have to be a bit selfish about it - your DH certainly is!

Sorry, I wasn't clear above, 2 children, both boys, ages 17 & 7.

Eldest son told me a little while ago that it feels like his dad doesn't want to be a father anymore. Youngest has complained that his dad will promise to play video games with him but then doesn't. A couple of months back he offered to take youngest to the cinema on Saturday morning then suddenly found something that he had to do there and then, I ended up taking him although I'd been looking forward to a quiet couple of hours just so that the promise wasn't broken.

Husband (I refuse to call him dh, sorry) should normally work more hours than he is currently although he has only worked full time for about 2 years of our married life. He is currently on his third phased return to work in the last 10 months after the best part of a year off with stress and then depression. This is part of what makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable however the truth is that I didn't have a problem with him when he was sick, it's only since he decided that he was better that I find that I can't stand to be near him.

The advice about relate is good if I can get him to go, what worries me is that I'm the one who wants a divorce (at least I think I do) he wants to stay married, won't that make me the bad guy?

Go to relate, but don't be surprised if it confirms your feelings rather than fixing your relationship. You can go on your own if he won't come.

Tbh, it doesn't sounds like there is a single good reason to stay. You have no life because of this idiot.

Why would you be the bad guy?

He's the one who's checking out and not putting any effort in.

But anyway, I don't think it works like that -- there is no good guy/bad guy. It's just two people trying to figure out what to do.

Most breakups are not mutual, I think, so you're certainly not unusual in that regard.

Has he gone to counseling for his depression?

I had depression for a long time and tbh it can make a person really selfish and detached from others' needs. I wouldn't expect a partner to put up with that kind of behaviour forever, no.

I'd suggest a trial separation. Tell him you're not trying to end the relationship, but you've decided that as you are so miserable and he won't discuss it with you, you want some time apart for both of you to reflect on your marriage and whether or not its worth saving. That puts the ball very much in his court with the onus on him to think, act and change.

If he doesn't, he's already half way out. If he does, great. It will be minimally disruptive to DC as it sounds like he's hardly there (and when he is he's not participating).

Good luck.

He sounds like a deadbeat........and obv has no respect for you or his kids.

Divorce will I'm sure be hard but like you say, once it's done I am sure that dead weight will be lifted off your shoulders and life will be a lot better for you.

Trial seperation definately the way to go . Good luck!

just a small point he can't tell you you don't have grounds

Unreasonable behaviour is grounds and is defined as behaviour you feel is unreasonable.

The Court are not there to judge if behaviour is unreasonable or not.

Divorce can be bad no question, but it doesn't have to be.

Might be helpful for you to post in relationships...

Good luck.

Firstly, there's no such thing as "the bad guy" in relationship counselling or divorce. The UK has a no fault system that means the reason for a divorce doesn't affect anything else (like financial or childcare arrangements).

Secondly, divorce is shit particularly if it isn't amicable. It can be hugely expensive and emotionally draining for months or even years. However, in my experience the grass is generally greener on the other side. My divorce cost me £8k and my ex £15k (arguing over very little) but 4 years on I am married to a wonderful woman, have a beautiful 1 year old daughter, a great job 10 minutes walk from home and life is the best it's ever been. It was the best £8k I ever spent.

go to a solicitor and have him sent the papers, if he doesn't buck up then just go ahead with it.

ah stress and depression - but is better now?

well if he better he can buck up or ship out.

there is nothing in this for you or DC

regardless of strees/depression or not - you dont ahve to put up with it.
listen to your DC and act.

tell him youa re divorcing him.
when he says "bu t but bit.."
repeat It is over I am divorcing you

watch out for the begging pleading etc

He is wrong about the grounds thing, in this country couples cannot be forced to stay together and the woman does not need to get the man's permission for a divorce (or vice versa). I'm not saying divorce is for you but just wanted to say on that point he is wrong.

In your situation I would start a diary and note down what he does/doesn't do, any lies etc etc it may help you decide.

Also, just remember your feelings and needs are valid as is your happiness. In ACT therapy there's an exercise where you write your own grave stone, you don't show it to anyone so you can be entirely honest with what you'd want to see there - it can be a very clarifying thing to do for some people.

Getting divorced was hellish for me.

Being divorced is not bad at all :)

(Being married to my ex was far worse)

Essentially, if nothing else you just need to separate from him and after a given time you have grounds for divorce.

You have supported him financially (I suppose) and emotionally throughout and he is taking advantage of you.

Your kids are on your "side".

You are definitely not the bad guy.

21 years?? Can you see yourself still there in another 21 years?

Do you want him to change? Or do you want him out of your life so that you can be happy?

Divorce can be easy, or it can be difficult. It's never pleasant. You also don't need his permission to divorce, but you may have to wait 2 years for the decree absolute from the date you stop living as husband and wife. Technically you can still be under the same roof and no longer living as husband and wife, so if you have separate bedrooms, or one of you sleeps on the sofa, that counts as the date you stopped living as husband and wife.

YANBU... I couldn't originally tell if your threat of divorce is genuine or if you were using it as a threat in an effort to gee him out of his torpor. As you're not being taken seriously, I'd suggest you crystallise what divorce looks like by getting your exit strategy prepared. Things like booking a date with a solicitor, getting your finances sorted out, thinking about accommodation arrangements etc. It has the effect of making it less of a 'possible' and more of a 'probable' and he'll also see that you're not just sounding off.

Good luck. There is life after marriage to a dead-beat.... and it's bloody lovely.

bebanjo is right. Don't consign yourself to another 21 years of this. Life is too short and you only get one go.

Go and get some legal advice pronto

x

I agree with everyone, what are you getting out of this relationship. I hope you get some good legal advice and soon!

Thank you for all your comments, we talked some in the last few days. I've told him again that I'm unhappy, commented on the lack of help around the house, his response, he thought I enjoyed cooking! Sure I enjoy doing nice meals for special occasions yes, normal weekday dinner after a long day at work, not so much.

Anyway, he went out last night and came back when he said he would and he did the washing up, he admitted he'd been a bit crap and I hoped things were looking up.

This morning we had a reasonably civil conversation, then he decided he wanted a kiss. I flinched as he tried to shove his tongue down my throat and grabbed my chest and he stormed off calling me a miserable bitch.

Fifteen minutes later he's back and he's realised the root of our problems.

Apparently it's the menopause!

Reading that, all I can say is leave now.

Grabbing your breasts like your a bit of meat and getting upset with you for his inappropriate, bullying, boorish behaviour raises several red flags. As does calling you a 'miserable bitch'.

For every objection you raise and try to discuss, he is clearly going to counterbalance it trying to point out areas where you are at fault, which will probably centre on words such as 'hormones', 'women', 'over-sensitive' 'emotional', etc (because he sounds like a chauvinist and if that's deep-rooted I'm afraid he'll never change).

You'll spend more time rebuffing his arguments than you will discussing your own, so the only solution is to leave and make him see (though I suspect you might not want him back if your last post is typical of how he behaves).