To think that divorce can't be that bad!

[Zalen]

Please ignore me if you need to but I need to rant and if I don't do it here then I'll do it on my facebook page and my parents, mil and husband are all 'friends'.

I've just finished doing 2 days worth of washing up, I'm about to dish up dinner, the dinner that I cooked after an eight hour day at work. In fact I can't remember the last time my husband cooked dinner. I work 37.5 hours a week, he works 4.5. Monday night he went out saying that he'd get the last bus home, he turned up at 7am on Tuesday morning, 1 hour after I'd got up to get the kids ready for school, 3 hours after I'd woken up and realised he wasn't home and been unable to get any more sleep.

I hate the person I'm turning into, when I heard the front door open on Tuesday morning my first thought wasn't 'thank god he's ok', no it was 'damn, he's not dead!'

I cry every day, I hate feeling like this.

Before Christmas I tried to tell him how I felt, I told him that I hate being around him, and that his attitude is destroying our marriage, his response, 'have you seen the data cable to transfer pictures from my phone to the laptop?'

Thanks for reading / or not.

Eww. The menopause??!!

I think I can see the root of your problems - him being a selfish, entitled dick

I just feel like such a mess, he says he doesn't know what I want from him and I can't tell him because I'm not sure myself. I just know that what we have at the moment isn't right.

I just can't believe that after 25 years in total it's all gone so wrong in less than 6 months.

He's always been on the selfish side, consideration has never been one of his strong points but then he'd do something incredibly sweet and considerate. It just feels like all the redeeming qualities have gone. I don't know if it's me who's changed because I had to step up more when he spent a year in bed with stress or what.

What a shame it's a Sunday and the solicitors are closed. Unbefuckingleivable!!

As an outsider, I think you can't say what you want from him, because you don't want anything from him. Once you admit that he is a selfish prick and you really don't want to waste another second of your own precious life on him, it will all seem a lot clearer.

I'd start by separating my finances from his. Take your name off joint accounts and credit cards (or his name if you are the main card holder), go through both of your pension arrangements and make sure you know what assets you both have. Then take it all to a solicitor and get some advice on how to proceed.

You can't fix a marriage all by yourself - it only works if he wants to as well.

Am presuming the house is in joint names - do you think he will move out? Do you have a spare bedroom that either you or he can move into, if he refuses to go? Maybe the boys could share a room temporarily, or a dining room converted into a temporary bedroom. I think you do have to start separating your life from his, even if he won't leave the house. You might feel more at ease once you formally decide that he is nothing to do with you and stop expecting him to behave like a husband.

The stuff with the kids would make me mad - I hate it when adults promise things to their dc and then don't do it. I would shame him to his mother (if she's likely to be sympathetic to you) and maybe she will put a rocket up his arse regarding how he behaves towards the dc.

But I think you've been quite clear here about what you want.

You want him to help out more around the house... follow through on his promises to his kids... not go out all the time, perhaps work more...

Now you can add to that: not bullying you, calling you hormonal.

You want him to listen to you when you say you're unhappy and respect your feelings.

I actually think that's quite clear. If he can't translate that into actual things he should do, then that's his problem. But actually, I don't think the problem is that he doesn't know what he should do, it's that he doesn't want to do it.

If there isn't any chance of counseling saving things, then really there's no other option. And he's brought that on himself, because you have tried to tell him how bad things are and he hasn't wanted to do anything about it.

Well I sent him an email this morning. How sad is that!

I laid out the heart of the matter, I'm not happy, you need to help, you need to take responsibility for some things, I've contacted Relate to ask about options, are you up for that or should I contact a solicitor instead.

Probably shouldn't have put the last bit but I was getting upset by the time I'd finished recounting my woes.

I tried to time the email so that he would have finished taking youngest ds to school and texted him to ask him to read an email that I had sent him. an hour later I got a voice mail, "I'm out and about so can't get to my email, call me." so I textd him back asking him to try to make the effort to read it today, that it's rather long but I think it's important. We'll see what happens. I really wanted him to read it in the middle of the day, when the youngest ds is not around but he's working this afternoon so that probably won't happen.

I reckon he will read it. Most people would not be able to ignore it. I hope he responds in a positive manner. I think you were right to add the last bit about the solicitor - important that he knows you are deadly serious about this and I like that you have put the ball in his court, so he either changes or you will end the marriage. You can't go on like this, indefinitely.

Good luck x

Why are you clinging on to this? a marriage is a friendship, mutual respect and support. if that isnt happening then try what is reasonable but if you can't carry on with it then start taking steps now. take others advice, separate out things and look into being away with the kids and how this would work in practice. at the point where you have to e mail your partner to say the most important things then this is really a dead duck isnt it? he will say he hasnt had time to read it, he will then say you are being unfair and making him stressed again, he will say it is your fault that you have changed, he will also say it has always been like this so why now? when he does you know it is time to go. don't let your self confidence be dragged down any further. Its crap now but think how even more crap it will be in 12 months time.

Oh Zalen! Depressed or not he is being selfish! Divorce is not that bad - best thing I ever did (now its over) for me and the children. Hard to go through at the time. X Huge hugs