Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU To Insist On Sharing?

63 replies

woopsidaisy · 12/01/2012 16:49

Hi. DS1 (7) received a DS3D from my mum for his birthday. He got Mario 3D land game for Christmas, and since the arrival of this game, DS2 (5) has wanted to borrow the DS to play this game too. We have had lots of rows!
DS1 says the DS is his, and he doesn't want his brother to use his DS. Part of me thinks fair enough, it is his, does he have to share it?
The other part of me thinks stop being so selfish and hand it over!
Gah,I'm useless at parenting-tell me what to do?!

Sorry, should have said, DS1 has never really got over having a brother,constantly says he wishes his brother wasn't around etc. When push comes to shove they get on ok, but DS1 is very high functioning autistic, and seems to have this chip on his shoulder,called his brother! Sigh...

OP posts:

Original poster

woopsidaisy · 12/01/2012 16:50

Maybe I should have put this in Parenting....?

OP posts:

toddlerama · 12/01/2012 16:51

I'd make him share. In our house, if you can't bring yourself to share it, you can't flaunt it. So he would be limited to playing with it only when his brother wasn't around. Or he could share it.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 12/01/2012 16:53

He should share really.

BadRoly · 12/01/2012 16:55

If it is a 3ds then isn't it advised that children under a certain age shouldn't play on them anyway? When we got dd2 a DS for her 5th birthday in November, the bloke in Game said something about it. That would give you an excuse to stop ds2 mothering ds1? I think there are some things they shouldn't have to share.

Catsdontcare · 12/01/2012 16:55

If he's not using it at the time then I would make him share it. If he's already playing it I wouldn't make him hand it over.

troisgarcons · 12/01/2012 16:56

I'm going to go the other way - many an expensive item has been broken by a younger sibling inisting on 'having a go' in this house - unless your 5yo can be trusted with it - then it isn't fair that a prized possession should be for communal use.

If he chooses to share it - then thats very sweet and generous of him. If he wants to keep it safe, then thats his prerogative.

BadRoly · 12/01/2012 16:56

Oh autocorrect is out to get me this evening - should stop ds2 bothering ds1!

Kladdkaka · 12/01/2012 16:58

Autistic people have a much, much greater bond with objects than neurotypical people (See Maestro et al 2008). As an autistic person myself I find the thought of forcing him to share horrific. I know quite a few people with autism and I can't think of one who wouldn't be completely freaked out by someone touching their stuff without their consent.

LydiaWickham · 12/01/2012 16:59

Well, two sides, while it's important to learn to share, it's also ok to have somethings that are just yours and your DS2 needs to learn not everything is communal and somethings are private property. DS1 should be able to learn about looking after important things and taking care of them, not easy if you have to let your younger brother have a go whenever he wants.

I agree with toddlerama, he doesn't need to share, but then he can't use it in front of his younger brother. And any being "mean" with it (as in flaunting it, or teasing DS2 by showing him it and not letting him have a go) means it gets taken away.

minimisschief · 12/01/2012 17:00

i do not see why he should have to share. It is nice to share but at the same time it is his possession which he does not trust his little brother with.

There are things you own that you wouldn't share with people. For example an ipad. depending on your child you may not let them play on it because they are heavy handed. No one will make you 'be nice' and share the item.

Growing up i wouldn't share my things with certain friends because they broke them all the time. other friends i happily let play with my things because they didnt.

It was his present and his possession so it is up to him.

ABatInBunkFive · 12/01/2012 17:03

If you do make him share please make sure the younger one doesn't use the 3d function, it isn't suitable for his age and could be very bad for his eyes.

LoonyRationalist · 12/01/2012 17:04

TBH at 5 & 7 I would have forseen this problem & would have been tempted to make it a joint gift. Can DS2 be distracted - a go on cbeebies website or similar. I agree that it would be nice for DS1 to share with his younger brother but he shouldn't have to. Any taunting & flaunting to his younger brother should have concequences

Original poster

woopsidaisy · 12/01/2012 17:05

Thanks so much for your input. The problem only occurred in the last week or so, since they have been back at school. During the holidays they were ok, sharing nicely etc. We have an iPad too, and they were taking turns fine. I think school stresses out DS1 a bit. He comes home quite tearful most days...just exhausted I think, but he takes it out on DS2 and myself. Then he calms down, comes to me and apologises for his behaviour.
I should also point out that they only get 1 hour on DS or Wii etc a day.
That is interesting kladdkaka, thanks for that. But he shares with friend or visitors really well.

OP posts:

Original poster

woopsidaisy · 12/01/2012 17:08

Sorry, missed those last few posts.
Eek re: not suitable for DS2-will check that out. Thanks.That could resolve the issue nicely actually!

OP posts:

Ineedalife · 12/01/2012 17:08

I would post this in the special needs children section. You might get some really good advice about ways to encourage autistic children to share.

Godd luck.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/01/2012 17:09

No, he shouldn't be made to share everything. Your youngest is going to have to learn that he can't have all he wants just because he wants it. As long as your oldest son will share some things, some of the time, that's all that he really needs to do.

I have a niece who is currently being 'forced' to share with her young brother who isn't gentle with them and now neither is she. She's lost interest in all her things, perhaps because she feels they aren't really 'hers' anymore. Sad. :(

RitaMorgan · 12/01/2012 17:10

I wouldn't make him share - it's a special, expensive toy. Maybe insist he only plays with it in his room away from his brother though?

Daughteroflilith · 12/01/2012 17:11

Normally I would say that with a 2 year age gap sharing should be the norm. I wouldn't make a 12 year old share with a 5 year old, but then there would be an expectation that their stuff would be separate anyway.

But you say he is very high functioning autistic. Does this mean he is rather academic and probably rather grown up in his interests, if not in his emotional maturity? If so, he probably feels older in terms of interests and playing with things, and perceives the difference between them as a little larger than it is?

They shouldn't be allowed too long on it anyway, so there would be ample time to share.

whostolemyname · 12/01/2012 17:11

Make him share. Its an important life skill. Equally your other son needs to learn to respect other peoples things and should know he is borrowing it only.

Kladdkaka · 12/01/2012 17:17

Sharing by choice is different to sharing by insistance. The freakout would be over lack of control over what happens to your stuff, more than just the sharing part. I can't explain it very well.

It's like my bike when I was a kid. My brother always wanted to borrow it. Sometimes I let him and sometimes I didn't. Sometimes he took it anyway, and I'd be furious with him. Sometimes he asked my mum who overruled me and said he could use it. The last one is the utter meltdown situation and I confess that 30 years later I still have so much anger and resentment at this perceived injustice. (Even though my head says to let it go)

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 12/01/2012 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/01/2012 17:19

Under sevens aren't supposed to use the 3d effect.

susiedaisy · 12/01/2012 17:23

Get him to share by all means but be prepared to replace the Ds if younger sibling breaks it which quite often happens, and as long as younger sibling shares their stuff as well.

Original poster

woopsidaisy · 12/01/2012 17:25

I can see your point re:the bike Kladdkaka, although I do agree that maybe it is time to let it go .

My very kind and generous mum usually gives ?250 value or cash gift to each child on birthday. Usually it goes into bank account. But she herself suggested getting the DS for my DS.

The fact that it can't be used for under 7s is fab. Problem solved!

OP posts:

Original poster

woopsidaisy · 12/01/2012 17:25

Thank you all so much for your input.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3