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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To Insist On Sharing?

63 replies

woopsidaisy · 12/01/2012 16:49

Hi. DS1 (7) received a DS3D from my mum for his birthday. He got Mario 3D land game for Christmas, and since the arrival of this game, DS2 (5) has wanted to borrow the DS to play this game too. We have had lots of rows!
DS1 says the DS is his, and he doesn't want his brother to use his DS. Part of me thinks fair enough, it is his, does he have to share it?
The other part of me thinks stop being so selfish and hand it over!
Gah,I'm useless at parenting-tell me what to do?!

Sorry, should have said, DS1 has never really got over having a brother,constantly says he wishes his brother wasn't around etc. When push comes to shove they get on ok, but DS1 is very high functioning autistic, and seems to have this chip on his shoulder,called his brother! Sigh...

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 12/01/2012 17:35

I kind of think that a personal game like a DS is not for sharing but a game on the wii or x box is - not sure why.

Kladdkaka · 12/01/2012 17:36

I confessed about the bike resentment to give you an insight into a HFA brain. Emotions and feelings don't slip away so easily. Hurts feel as real today as they did when they were incurred, even though common sense screams at you to get over it. Don't laugh too much, but I still cry when I think about my dolls stool that my uncle broke while trying to change a lightbulb. I was 3 at the time . It's like we don't know how to deal with, or process emotions so they just go round and round in our heads. Forever.

Chandon · 12/01/2012 17:42

My 8 year old got an i-pod touch.

He lets his 6 year old brother on it occasionally, and under supervision.

I encouraged older DS to let younger brother have a go, and praised him when he did. But I did not put hard pressure on him.

I think it all starts with small things, and the sharing has to be 2-way. in our case younger DS always shares out sweets and gifts with his older brother, so after a bit of thinking older DS thought it was probably not fair if he didn't share.

It is one of those things that you have to encourage but can't really force.

Sorry, that's not very helpful is it? Is your youngest good at sharing with his brother?

Original poster

woopsidaisy · 12/01/2012 17:44

Ah, sorry Kladdkaka. You are also making me think that maybe I need to look at my DSs ASD issues a little more.
Most people who meet him would never notice anything "odd" about his behaviour, and over time family/friends have all been very" he is grand/nothing wrong with him" etc.
To the stage that now I wonder if I am not looking at his behaviour the way I should IYKWIM.
I have always thought that if you know about his issues/problems it helps us and him to deal with things in a way that suits him. I think we are treating him too normally now.

Time to go over to SN I think!
Thanks again all.

OP posts:

Triggles · 12/01/2012 17:46

DS2 is 5yo, has ASD, and got a 3DS for Christmas. His brother is 2.5yo and is not allowed near it. Even if he was older, say 4, I still wouldn't require DS2 to share it. He would be devastated if his brother played with it and broke it. (and we couldn't afford to replace it!)

Most toys they are required to share, but they each have a couple special things that they can keep separate that only they play with. We like them to learn to share, but at the same time, we like them to be able to have something of their own (as well as learning to respect that others have things that are their own).

DS2 is not, however, allowed to play it in front of his brother. He either plays it while his brother is napping or when he is in bed (as DS2 stays up an hour later) or he plays in another room.

I know there's a huge difference between a 2.5yo and a 5yo, but the principle is really the same.

foglike · 12/01/2012 17:46

Imagine if everyone used your stuff as an adult?
It would be infuriating to say the very least.
Forced sharing would just cause resentment in my experience some children are more flexible.

Triggles · 12/01/2012 17:49

Exactly foglike. We feel that they need to learn to share, but still need to learn that some things are off-limits as they are specifically "someone else's." Not EVERYTHING is for sharing.

Original poster

woopsidaisy · 12/01/2012 17:49

Triggles, others on this thread have said that 3DS is for 7 and overs only. Not sure if that is helpful to you or not, just passing it on.

OP posts:

TooEasilyTempted · 12/01/2012 17:49

YABU. I hate all this sharing bollocks.

I fancy a go of your DH, are you going share him then?

Original poster

woopsidaisy · 12/01/2012 17:51

Are you sure you could handle him Too?!

OP posts:

Triggles · 12/01/2012 17:51

woopsidaisy Thanks, but I'm not worried. He doesn't like the 3D part of it anyway (so that's always off), and only has limited time on it.

foglike · 12/01/2012 17:51

Agreed triggles good call .

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 12/01/2012 17:52

It's his present and he should be allowed to decide if and when he wants to share it or not. It wasn't bought to be shared, it was given to one child as a birthday gift and he should be allowed to make the decision himself. My nephew was given a Wii one year for his birthday and then on my nieces birthday she asked for games to play on it, then his dad my (DB) bought a couple to play for himself and SIL got a Wii fit for herself. Nephew was put out because his birthday present was hijacked by the entire family and he had to 'share' it, like it or not. I think that was wrong, if they wanted a family Wii system they should have bought one for that purpose and not as nephew's birthday present.

I understand that you want DS1 to 'learn to share' but the flip side of that is your DS2 must learn that he can't always have/share something that belongs to someone else. On a website where the phrase 'sense of entitlement' is so often bandied about I think learning that someone often won't share and doesn't have to is as important as learning that it is nice to share and be shared with.

As Chandon says, you can encourage but you shouldn't force.

aldiwhore · 12/01/2012 17:55

I don't do the whole 'share everything' shabang as personally I don't like to share everything either.

With something like a ds or game though I do insist that there are times when one should graciously share with the other, or I won't graciously allow them to play on MY TV with MY electric!

I certainly don't make them share equally and all the time, but once the 'owner' of the item has had 1/2 an hour, then the other should be allowed, without a row. Its a kind of pre-requisite of ownership.

The thing is, and where it can get complicated, is that some games don't allow for more than one profile, in that case, its exclusive use until they've completed/got bored of the game.

WaitingForMe · 12/01/2012 17:56

We ask my stepsons to share but they don't have to. It can be pretty tough when the 6yr old says no to the 3yr old but the way I see it, the only thing the 6yr old gets to control is his toys.

We (me, DH and his mother) say which house he's in on any given day, what he eats and when, the manners he must display, that he has to have his hair washed and so on and so on.

crunchbag · 12/01/2012 17:58

Agree with Triggles, not EVERYTHING is for sharing!

DS got a ds for Christmas, it's his. If dd (or I) wants to play on it she has to ask and if he says no, that's it.

foglike · 12/01/2012 17:58

Toys like this should be bought as family gifts so it stops hoarding the toy surely?
Giving a toy to a child exclusively promotes the want and need for it to be exclusive.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 12/01/2012 18:03

I wouldn't make him share, but then I wouldn't allow one of my children to be given a 3ds and not the other. If that meant waiting until they were both old enough, then I would.

I think it's unfair to force children to share the possessions that love the most. They have to share some things, but not their most treasured possessions. I wouldn't want to share my favourite belongings, so I don't see why a child should be forced to.

I know exactly where you are coming from though, my oldest ds has aspergers and a massive problem with his younger brother too!

Whatmeworry · 12/01/2012 18:06

Many an expensive item has been broken by a younger sibling inisting on 'having a go' in this house

What she said.

Seona1973 · 12/01/2012 18:06

you can turn the 3D function off. DS (5) and DD (8) got one each at xmas - saves fighting over one console

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 12/01/2012 18:10

I wouldn't make him share. I think children need to have some things that are just 'theirs'. DS1 has a ds, he rarely lets DS2 play on it, he also refuses to share his cuddly donkey, or doll. DS2 won't share his broomstick, wand or Harry Potter glasses, or most cuddlies. I won't share my childhood teddy :)

PattiMayor · 12/01/2012 18:26

I presume your DS2 got something special he really liked too? It's really hard when one child has a fabulous electronic toy and the other doesn't. And DS2 is not of an age when he understands that this is a toy that isn't for sharing :(

I think I would say not to share because of the age restrictions and because it's a valuable lesson for DS2 to understand that he can't have everything that DS1 does. But by the same token, I think DS2 should have some kind of handheld device that he can play with. (am not going to mention any or the whole DS thing is going to become very confused :o)

Heleninahandcart · 12/01/2012 18:48

Normally I would suggest sharing but as this is a DS and your DS1 will be progressing in his games, it would be very upsetting if DS2 were then to re-set something. My DS was totally crushed when someone borrowed his machine when he was about 9yrs old and managed to wipe what he had been working on for months. I still remember the tears. I know very little about ASD but how would your DS1 feel if this happened to him?

Apart from that, these handheld devices are personal, and I'm sure DS1 would be delighted to have something that is just his.

Sevenfold · 12/01/2012 18:52

yabu
surely the older child has a right to something that is just his.

DublinMammy · 12/01/2012 18:54

Don't force him to share. Make sure there is something that the younger one has which means a lot to him that he also doesn't have to share. That's what I would do.

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