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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DP to be a better lover

54 replies

InappropriateCrushes · 12/01/2012 15:35

He's lovely in so many ways, I love him and am happy with him. It's just the passion is lacking. It has never been there for me TBH. I was attracted to his kindness and we got on so well as friends and just clicked. I've had other passionate relationships that have not been right for other reasons.

I know it takes two to tango and perhaps I should work at it more, but I don't think he could change as he is not confident in the bedroom department. I mean, he would never throw me against the wall, rip my clothes off and shag me senseless, and even if I asked him to, I think we would end up laughing cos it's just not 'us'. He often asks if 'he's doing it right', and comes too quickly every time.

Im particularly struggling with this at the moment as I have a HUGE crush on someone I should not have a huge crush on and its driving me mad because I want him so bad, sexually.

Any advice please!?

OP posts:
Vicky0790 · 12/01/2012 15:39

Do you find him physically attractive? The one your with I mean.

Original poster
InappropriateCrushes · 12/01/2012 15:40

He's got a nice face but is very overweight.

OP posts:
Original poster
InappropriateCrushes · 12/01/2012 15:41

So I suppose, no I dont find him particularly attractive but Im not repulsed by him Confused

OP posts:
larks35 · 12/01/2012 15:45

Do you live together? Do you have kids? If no then I personally would consider ending the relationship, if as you say you have never really fancied him. Either that or both of you commit yourselves to spicing up your love life - romantic dates, massages etc. Having a huge crush on someone else spells danger to me.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/01/2012 15:47

He's not confident and asks if he's doing it right. So what do you say when he asks?

Original poster
InappropriateCrushes · 12/01/2012 15:51

Yes we live together with two DC. I suppose we should try to spice things up a bit. Is it bad to have a crush on someone in RL? I mean, I fancy famous actors/singers and laugh this off with my DP. Isn't it just dangerous if you act on your feelings?

OP posts:
Original poster
InappropriateCrushes · 12/01/2012 15:54

LovesBeing - Well, he's a gentle lover, which I really like but sometimes I want him to take a bit more control and be 'more of a man'. If he's doing something I'm not keen on then I will try to guide him to something I do like and he's good at taking direction. I think I view him more as a friend than a lover but dont want to split up from him but do want more passion in my life.

OP posts:
larks35 · 12/01/2012 15:58

I only meant that it spells danger to me because it is usually a symptom of being unhappy and a unfulfilled in the relationship I'm in - probably misuse of word really.

The fact that you are committed with shared abode and, more importantly, children changes my opinion. If you are happy with everything else then spend some time together to improve your sex-life. Forget your crush, re-focus your fantasies on you and your DP. Like I say, romantic dates, massages, using sex toys together, whatever floats your boat. Everyone is capable of providing sexual pleasure to their partner but some need to know what that requires.

SpaghettiTwirlerAndProud · 12/01/2012 16:00

I think you should talk to him about this.

Fwiw I fancy my DPs best friend but I would never act on it, my DP is enough for me in every way, but his mate is so sexy.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/01/2012 16:00

So if he dragged you upstairs and threw you on the bed he would be the perfect man? Have you tried telling him seeing as he is good with direction?

Original poster
InappropriateCrushes · 12/01/2012 16:04

Thank you all for your replies, it's really helping.
LovesBeing - weirdly I have never told him to do this even tho I think about it. Im afraid that if I tell him what I really want and he cant live up to it then I will be even more dissapointed. Im weird arent I.

OP posts:
Original poster
InappropriateCrushes · 12/01/2012 16:06

Also, I cant forget my crush because I see him quite often and he is in lust with me as much as I am with him Blush
Sorry, dont mean to drip feed.

OP posts:
SpaghettiTwirlerAndProud · 12/01/2012 16:08

No you're not weird. I know exactly what you mean. My DP used to really hate giving oral. And when I told him that I really wanted it I was afraid he would be crap and I would end up going to sleep disappointed and unsatisfied. As it turned out he was quite good at it and he loves doing it now and knows exactly what to do for me. He's excellent now :o

salmonskinroll · 12/01/2012 16:11

I don't think your DP not being enough of a man in bed is the big issue here. You have a big crush on someone, so even if your DP was perfect, he still wouldn't compare to this OM.

the grass isn't greener, it's fertilised with bullishit Smile

DoesNotGiveAFig · 12/01/2012 16:13

I understand you. DP isn't provided satisfaction you crave and the fantasy of this other bloke is very alluring. But what if new bloke's just as shit? I don't know how to get your DP to sort it out. Does he fancy you?

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/01/2012 16:13

SpaghettiTwirlerAndProud not even gonna say how long it took dh!

Op so not asking is better than trying and it being crap?

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/01/2012 16:14

You don't have much confidence in him

OrmIrian · 12/01/2012 16:16

"the grass isn't greener, it's fertilised with bullishit "

Brilliant! Grin

Sorry, not much help OP.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/01/2012 16:21

I prefer water your own grass and it will be as green Grin

fedupofnamechanging · 12/01/2012 16:24

There's nothing so lust inducing as the forbidden.

Thing is, if you and this man weren't committed elsewhere and were able to get together, it would eventually become routine, even if the sex was better than what you have now.

It's the potential and possibility that's making your crush so appealing.

I think that sex is important but not more than all the other great things your relationship has. I think that very few people have everything.

Original poster
InappropriateCrushes · 12/01/2012 16:27

Doesnotgive - Yes he does fancy me. And imagining my crush being rubbish in the sack is such a turn off Hmm
LovesBeing - good point. Because I sort out the house, children, finances etc I kind of cant be bothered to sort out our sex life out as well. I want him to think it needs spicing up and do something to make that happen. I can see Im expecting the poor bloke to be a mind reader tho and this is obviously unreasonable Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
InappropriateCrushes · 12/01/2012 16:30

Good points Karma. My rational mind agrees with you. My ovulating self on the other hand..............

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 12/01/2012 16:34

Do you tell him he's brilliant, does thing well etc? Sounds lie he needs a confidence boost.

Crushes are just crushes and not to be acted on imo unless you are single.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 12/01/2012 16:35

Good and excellent Grin keep imagining that and go rub your DP in baby oil!

DoesNotGiveAFig · 12/01/2012 16:35

*stop thinking about it when you commence rubbing though otherwise it's just getting weird