To want my DP to be a better lover

[InappropriateCrushes]

He's lovely in so many ways, I love him and am happy with him. It's just the passion is lacking. It has never been there for me TBH. I was attracted to his kindness and we got on so well as friends and just clicked. I've had other passionate relationships that have not been right for other reasons.

I know it takes two to tango and perhaps I should work at it more, but I don't think he could change as he is not confident in the bedroom department. I mean, he would never throw me against the wall, rip my clothes off and shag me senseless, and even if I asked him to, I think we would end up laughing cos it's just not 'us'. He often asks if 'he's doing it right', and comes too quickly every time.

Im particularly struggling with this at the moment as I have a HUGE crush on someone I should not have a huge crush on and its driving me mad because I want him so bad, sexually.

Any advice please!?

maybe when the kids are i bed, have a nice meal with some wine and music in the background, i always find whispering somthing naughty into my partners ear really gets him going... or telling him what to do in a naughty way whilst having sex... maybe buy urself a sexy outfit or porn works for somepeople..?? x

Thanks Jodie - come to think of it we have watched and enjoyed porn together before, so maybe I should try that again.
Also, I did try to sidle up and flirt outrageously with him recently and I know he was loving the attention but he was preoccupied with something else and didnt take the opportunity to give me a good seeing to!!!

the best quote I've ever heard, and it came from MN

If the grass appears greener on the other side, water the grass on your side

there you go hun, try it again and if things still are not getting better at least in your mind you can say you have tried everything to save your sex life and possibly your family.. xx

I think he senses something isn't floating your boat, he might be relieved if you suggest things and take tge lead. You can't complain cause if you don't ask and all tgat

Agree about a drink and go for it.

What you have here love is a . Don't worry, you can train it out of him. Some menz need direction. Just have a few and when half cut discuss it with him. Tell him you want to be fucked, not stroked.

Ha ha ha ha ha lol @ feathery stroker

A really difficult situation for you OP. Does your DP exercise? I am already up for it most of the time but when I am doing alot of running and strength training my sex drive goes through the roof. It increases confidence too, plus it would help with the weight issue, not that i am saying he SHOULD lose weight, just thinking that it might give him and you a boost.

Perhaps you could both undertake a healthy living kick together and lose some weight? I def feel better when I am lower weight!! It is all within your grasp though - boost his confidence by telling him that you really fancy him and once he really believes it, you could describe how much you would like a more aggressive approach from him just occasionally.

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel and what you would like.

It's not a nice situation OP. I think it's hard because of the way men/women/sex is portrayed in society, we have certain expectations about how sex should be, who should be doing what to whom etc... I find it difficult to reconcile expecations with life.

As for your crush, been there, done that, acted upon it, think about it regretfully almost every day. Try to stay out of his way, don't communicate with him and the feelings will fade. Focus your energies back onto your DP. Easier said than done, I know.

I could have written everything in the OP except the bit about the crush.

DH is my best friend, he is a fabulous husband and father, we laugh together, we love parenting together, we have great mutual friends that we enjoy hanging out with together, BUT our sex life is really unexciting and always has been. DH is gentle but he also lacks confidence and imagination. We basically have variations on missionary sex with little foreplay every week or so. It has always been like that I probably always will be. Sometimes I do feel frustrated and I do fantasize about a much more vigorous and varied love life full of passion and fun but I have no idea what to do about it.

I love my DH. I think the things that are great in our relationship far outweigh the lack of passion in our sex life. All I would say to the OP is to think really carefully before entertaining further flirtations. Do you want to endanger everything you have?

feathery stroker

< runs screaming from thread >

OP, do you really want to be "thrown against a wall" ?

I think you will find that a bit, err, wife battery after a while...

I notice you say that you sort out the house, the finances and everything else. I wonder if part of the problem is that you feel more like your DP's mother or keeper or something, than his partner? It might be worth thinking about whether your DP is an immature lazyarse or whether you could do with delegating some of the household responsibility.

For spicing up your sex life you could try this book called "the art of sexual ecstasy" my Margo Anand. I've got a copy but it's a lot to plough through so I haven't got round to putting it into practice. Lots of the exercises look like fun though. It could be a template for a journey into the seas of passion with your hubby. If you're into yogic type stuff, it could be worth a crack.

Gosh wardinJarndyce I'm just like you

Mind you mine is an immature, lazy fucker too, in the nicest possible way

I do all the household stuff like you OP and it is a bit if a turn off being the one in control all the time

WardInJarndyce honestly some men need to be told what you like. Next time you're having sex point out the things he does right, and sort of direct him into doing the stuff that turns you on. We're not fucking psychic. Oh, and talk about it. That to most of us is a turn on. Don't criticise, just describe what you want. Good luck.

Thank you all for your helpful responses/suggestions.
Will definately be cracking open the Red tonight and going for it with him ( DP that is, not Crush

Have fun

warning OP - sometimes forbidden crushes that you think you will have great sex with are SHIT in bed when you finally get down to it :o

take it from someone who knows

in all seriousness though, if you don't fancy your partner or enjoy sex with him, then in my book that is A Bad Sign. :)

Is it really just the sex that bothers you? If that's all it is then take the initiative and build his confidence. Maybe he's worried about what you will think, or he is sensing the uncertainty and lack of response and confusing it with being about him and not his prowess. Do a wild one on him. I used to be crap at a certain thing but I later realised it was because the person I was doing it with didn't mean much to me. Really made a difference.

Try getting a book with a load of positions in it. You'll probably end up laughing, but there's nowt bad about that, and you might find something you both really enjoy.

Op, your DP sounds like Casanova compared to mine.

It has never been there for me TBH

If the spark has never been there I doubt it ever will be

Forget the fantasy man, forget the DP and be on your own with a Jessica Rabbit. Men always end up a disappointment in the sack, if they were never very good in the first place they don't improve over time, talking from experience here. We all deserve a good old rogering from time to time, go for a one off with someone you know is good no emotional attachment and that may suffice for a while, haha!!!!!!