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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my best friend is really not getting the message about my DC/DH/House/Work/Socialising life balance?

62 replies

grumblinalong · 12/01/2012 15:05

Just want to make clear I really really love my best friend. We have been friends for 30 years, since we were 4 years old. Her friendship means a great deal to me, I am fiercely loyal to her and wouldn't say a bad word about her to anyone in RL but I need to vent, she definitely doesn't come on MN and I need some objective advice from people who don't know either of us.

She refuses to understand that with 3 DC's (1 who is 6 months and still bf), a job, a mortgage to pay and a DH who works 12 hour days 5 days a week I can't have (nor do I want) the social life she does. She has no dc's, is single, works for herself and lives with her parents. Can I just state, I don't think either of us has a superior/better life, different strokes and all that. We are both happy with our lot.

I have just had a text from her saying 'Got us some tickets for X gig, for my birthday next month, cost £15 each plus taxi home.' The gig is in city 30 miles away so taxi between us will be £60. Plus she will want to eat beforehand. Probably posh.

Lovely I hear you all say. Well yes it would be apart from the fact that (a) I have already agreed to go to her official birthday do (b) we went out on Saturday and (c) we are going for a meal in 3 weeks . So that will be 3 sets of plans with her in 4 weeks. Also I go back to work that week from Mat Leave so will be knackered and we are utterly skint.

She has already passive aggressive catsbummed about me turning down another gig at the end of Feb (called me boring) so will kick off about me not going but I'm going to stand firm because I'm annoyed that she bought the tickets without asking me. AIBU? How can I tactfully tell her that I just can't fit in the level of social commitments she wants me to, see my DC's and DH, work, do housework and pay the bills without sounding like a twat? Now I've actually wrote that down I can see that I do, in fact, sound like a twat

OP posts:

DoesNotGiveAFig · 12/01/2012 15:09

I personally don't think it's on for your friend to spend the best part of £100 on your behalf without your consent, so for that YANBU.

I think she just needs to know she's still part of your life and you love her, that you won't be lost into the marital/family mist.

Ifancyashandy · 12/01/2012 15:10

You don't sound like a twat!

She should have asked about the tickets before buying - she's been daft on that front.

You just need to tell her, kindly, over a glass of wine. Just say how much you would have loved to go, that you adore spending time with her but just can't justify the cost / time etc.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/01/2012 15:11

You don't sound like a twat, she does. And utterly selfish and self-absorbed.

mummymeister · 12/01/2012 15:11

No you do not sound like a twat. perhaps she invests the bulk of her social life in you whereas you have to spread it between husband, children, baby and work as well as her. is the real issue the fact that she doesnt have any other close friends? If she is your bff then you have to sit her down and explain it because unless you do have kids etc you really can struggle to understand the time committment. i didnt have my kids until nearly 40 and therefore i was that sort of friend to my friends who were like you. only when one of them bothered to tell me the detail of her life did i realise the issues. we spent a lot more girly evenings in whilst her husband worked away until of course i had my kids...Don't be tactful, be honest.

reindeersledder · 12/01/2012 15:12

I just can't fit in the level of social commitments she wants me to

But that's the reality. One way or another, you need to communicate this to her.

It doesn't have to sound twattish, but a little bit more awareness on her part needs a sharp re-focus on the activities and commitments taking up your time... which you want them to. You shouldn't feel guilty or insecure about not wanting to do something. Your time is your own, and your first loyalty is to the things you value most. Of course reassure her that she's important to you, but I think being honest about this is best in the long run, otherwise you risk being unhappy in the short term and then alienating her as a friend eventually if this doesn't get resolved properly soon.

Part of friendship is respecting other people's boundaries, whatever they may be - if that doesn't tally with what she wants / needs from your friendship, well, that's her decision.

reindeersledder · 12/01/2012 15:13

p.s. this is a wider issue than the tickets, I'd stress.

Don't make this just about the tickets (although she has taken the piss with this action, by most people's standards, I think).

Tee2072 · 12/01/2012 15:15

Have you said 'I love you. But I can't afford to go out any more. Also, how dare you make plans and spend my money without asking me!'

She's a twat. Not you.

howlongwilltheynap · 12/01/2012 15:20

Just be honest with her, but make sure you know how much you value her friendship too. I have a bf who would be like this, except she lives in australia now , and so when I do want to go out (well, once DS2 will be off the nipple long enough to let me) I don't actually have any non-mummy friends to go out with.

You've done pretty well I say with all that socialising when you have 3 kids and a 6m-old, sounds like you do have good balance in your life.

howlongwilltheynap · 12/01/2012 15:24

Oh, and neither of you are being a twat. Her life is so different from yours that she won't understand it unless you spell it out to her (well actually she probably won't really understand it until she is in the same position, or at least moved out of home!).

halcyondays · 12/01/2012 16:14

Even if you were single with no kids it would be odd to buy a ticket on your behalf and assume you will want to go and pay that sort of money without checking with you first. And even if you don't have kids, it isn't that hard to understand that parents can't always drop everything to socialise, or that sometimes people can't afford to go out. If she is that good a friend, she should understand that people's lives change and make more effort to fit in with you.

Jenny70 · 12/01/2012 16:33

Ask her what date the tickets are and then say you already have plans that night with DH? Or DH has work event and you don't have a babysitter.

Then next time you see her, mention that even if you had been free that night, the total costs for the night would have stretched the budget - she needs to check first as your budget is tight for the time being, maternity leave has taken a dint from saving etc.

Hopefully she'll get the message.

YouOldSlag · 12/01/2012 16:47

YANBU. Try telling her how much disposable income you and DH and kids have left over between you after all the bills have come out. It might come as a shock to her. Family life is expensive.

Original poster

grumblinalong · 12/01/2012 17:12

Aw thanks everyone. I have sat her down before and gently explained that I just can not maintain the life we had when we were 18, which is what she seems to be clinging on to. She's made a few remarks though that make me think she does not have a clue what life with DC's is like. E.G Being a mother is no excuse for not going out. Being a mother is no excuse for wearing a fleece and no makeup etc.

How can she though know? Until you have them you can not comprehend the time squeeze.

I texted her to say 'sorry got plans on that day. Can you go with X instead?' Reply: 'No X can't go. What plans have you got? '

Now I'll have to make something up because i don't really have plans

OP posts:

KirstyJC · 12/01/2012 17:15

DOn't make things up, tell her the truth. In person though, not by text. Tell her you are broke as well and that money goes on kids' food and bills before nights out. If she lives with her parents still then she won't have a clue!

LeBOF · 12/01/2012 17:16

Just say you don't have plans yourself, but your money was planning to pay the mortgage.

CalamityKate · 12/01/2012 17:18

"Was planning to pop to the bank to pay in the £80 I can't afford to spend on your night out"

perfumedlife · 12/01/2012 17:19

She made the plans, without consulting you, by text. Text her back, I would say it's family plans, no need to go into it. She ought to learn some basic manners.

samandi · 12/01/2012 17:20

Kids and partner or not, it's daft to presume that someone will be free on a particular day you want to go out and get tickets for them. She'll just have to go by herself or find some new friends who have more time, it's not your problem. You have no obligation to tell her of your plans and it sounds like she needs to grow up and understand the world does not revolve around her.

lagrandissima · 12/01/2012 17:22

YANBU. Sorry to say this about your best friend, but she sounds very selfish and lacking in imagination. Can she not see that you're tired, skint, and very pushed for time? Can you not communicate this to her? IMHO, being a mother is an excuse for not going out - if you want to have some downtime with on your own or with your OH.

I'm afraid if I had a friend like that, I would drop her.

Whatmeworry · 12/01/2012 17:23

People in different lifestages just don't get it - even people who have had kids forget what it can be like with younger ones, and those who don't have kids don't have a clue.

You need to be firm, communicate clearly etc etc, and put up with the pouting.

precariouslybalanced · 12/01/2012 17:24

I don't agree so much that she shouldn't have made plans/spent cash on your behalf, I guess you are close enough to make those sorts of assumptions on each others' behalf. But I think you are being unnecessarily sensitive/accommodating of her. I also have someone in my life who expects more of me (in the nicest possible way, and with the best of motivations) than I am willing or able to give. Ideally, I'd give her what she wants, but it's just a fact of life that I can't. We have different lives, different priorities, different calls upon our time and other resources...none of which I am going to (or that she would even want me to) apologise for. There's nothing else to it, really - when people marry, or move away, or have children, or sickly parents etc, things change. Happens to everyone, and I bet that, aged 34, you're not the only person that your friend is noticing this with. I wouldn't feel pressured into giving her more than you are able to, else it will build into something more than it is, and end in upset and arguments. You are within your rights to have different calls upon your time and money from her, and you shouldn't shy away from telling her this. Doesn't mean you love her any the less, just that the form of your friendship is going to have to change.

CailinDana · 12/01/2012 17:25

It sounds like she has zero interest in your life. If she really was your best friend she would know very well how difficult it would be for you to go out that week. She would see the gig tickets, think of bringing you and then think "Oh but she's going back to work that week, I'd better check if it's ok first." Instead she only thought completely about herself. If I were you I'd text her back saying "You know I'm going back to work that week, so I was planning on sleeping actually."

kasbah72 · 12/01/2012 17:29

Why don't you work out how much you CAN afford to spend on socialising with her this month and tell her that this is all you can do but you are happy for her to pick which night/s she wants you to be there for.

It might be that the gig as a pair is better than a big official do where she is being pulled in a million directions.

I hate having to repeatedly say no to things when we are short of cash/time/energy so I am getting better at just saying what I CAN do rather than always waiting to be asked and then saying no.

Scholes34 · 12/01/2012 17:31

Just agree with her and say yes, I am boring, and you're right, I am wearing a fleece and no make up, but that that's how it is. But to be assertive, you have to just say no - with no excuses or reasons, because someone like your friend will always find a way round any excuses you give. Good luck. I hope you manage to maintain the friendship, but on your own terms.

Tinkerisdead · 12/01/2012 17:38

I used to have a friend like this, friends for over 25 years and our lives were poles apart. She started living like she was starring in sex in the city, calling me boring and sulking when i was working for my mortgage settling down with dh. I used to make excuse after excuse as she just couldnt understand my life or the truth. I was too exhausted to go clubbing at 10pm, i'd be in bed!!!

We've lost touch now. It makes me really sad actually as she hasnt met my dd etc but our lives are still so different.

Dont make up pretend plans, explain that your life is packed, that you have to make time for your dc's, dh and of course make time for her. Tell her how little you receive on mat leave and that you cannot justify three nights out at your family's expense. She is important to you, you will make time for her, maybe she could come round to yours for a takeaway and wine? But explain that you're tired and you respect her lifestyle, indeed you may envy it at times but its not something you can sustain with a family.

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