To think my best friend is really not getting the message about my DC/DH/House/Work/Socialising life balance?

[grumblinalong]

Just want to make clear I really really love my best friend. We have been friends for 30 years, since we were 4 years old. Her friendship means a great deal to me, I am fiercely loyal to her and wouldn't say a bad word about her to anyone in RL but I need to vent, she definitely doesn't come on MN and I need some objective advice from people who don't know either of us.

She refuses to understand that with 3 DC's (1 who is 6 months and still bf), a job, a mortgage to pay and a DH who works 12 hour days 5 days a week I can't have (nor do I want) the social life she does. She has no dc's, is single, works for herself and lives with her parents. Can I just state, I don't think either of us has a superior/better life, different strokes and all that. We are both happy with our lot.

I have just had a text from her saying 'Got us some tickets for X gig, for my birthday next month, cost £15 each plus taxi home.' The gig is in city 30 miles away so taxi between us will be £60. Plus she will want to eat beforehand. Probably posh.

Lovely I hear you all say. Well yes it would be apart from the fact that (a) I have already agreed to go to her official birthday do (b) we went out on Saturday and (c) we are going for a meal in 3 weeks . So that will be 3 sets of plans with her in 4 weeks. Also I go back to work that week from Mat Leave so will be knackered and we are utterly skint.

She has already passive aggressive catsbummed about me turning down another gig at the end of Feb (called me boring) so will kick off about me not going but I'm going to stand firm because I'm annoyed that she bought the tickets without asking me. AIBU? How can I tactfully tell her that I just can't fit in the level of social commitments she wants me to, see my DC's and DH, work, do housework and pay the bills without sounding like a twat? Now I've actually wrote that down I can see that I do, in fact, sound like a twat

Don't make up pretend plans. 'Just staying in with family' is fine. She really shouldn't have assumed you could go.

Sounds like it might be time for another 'chat':
"I love you X. I love spending time with you. Now that I'm a mum I have responsibilties to my family though. Could we keep the partying for a rare treat and have regular gossipy girly nights at mine instead?"

FWIW, none of my friends have children, but they have all been super understanding about how much I can/can't go out since I had my baby. Now I run with one of my best friends once a week and go to the gym with another. Afterwards, DP cooks us dinner and we all have a good old gossip. This means I combine exercise, friendship and family time. It works for us; I'm sure you could find a similar compromise

Just tell her your plans are to do whatever it is you need to do/want to do with your family.

Plans don't have to be the going out kind, they can be the 'someone has to feed the baby and worm the dog and paint the living room and do the ironing and go to the park and make some lunch and fall asleep knackered in front of the TV as soon as the kids are in bed' kind and you don't have to justify that.

Then after you have told her that those are your plans, have the chat that ATruthUniversally has just suggested and hope she understands.

If she has a strop and calls you boring then maybe she's not the friend you think she is though. But hopefully, if she is such a good friend, she will (try to) understand.

You're not a twat. You've just been daft enough to let her do all this for so long. She's probably not a twat either, until you hear the words NO its easy to carry on assuming all is okay.

Tell her you love her, tell that you can only afford one weekend per month to see her 'out' - then if you can do more its a bonus. If she didn't agree to that, then I'd start worrying about her a bit and move and would risk a falling out.

If you don't really have plans then YABVU to have lied to her! She is supposed to be your best friend, why can't you tell he the truth?

I'm not sure what the truth is though, is it that you don't want to or that you can't afford it? Because tbf, if you had the money then there is no reason why you couldn't go and leave your dc with your dh.

Agree with all the above.

But she's right about the fleece! And I say that as someone who wears one too.

I'm not sure what the truth is though, is it that you don't want to or that you can't afford it? Because tbf, if you had the money then there is no reason why you couldn't go and leave your dc with your dh.

Well that's not true is it. There are several reasons why she couldn't go out. She's tired, 3 kids, a full time job and general family life can do that to you. She wants to spend time with her DH, he works 12 hour days, 5 days a week whilst the OP is also in work, and when home they're looking after the kids. She's also been out with the best friend 3 times in 3 weeks.

OP YANBU. TBH I've lost touch with many friends over the years who couldn't accept that I actually had a life outside them, and would throw a strop if I couldn't drop everything for a night out. As a result I pretty much stay away from making any friends now TBH, I like my time to be my own, I hate people dictating what they think I should be doing. If she was a good friend she would take a step back and get over herself.

The 6 month old is breastfed kitchenroll - OP probably can't go even if she wants to & can afford it.

You have to tell her straight. You've known her for 30 years and friends tell each other the truth, don't they? Don't dress it up nicely with the 18yo social life, she probably doesn't see it like that.

You have responsibilities that she doesn't, expenses that she doesn't and priorities that she doesn't.

Think about how often you can go out with her, weekly/monthly or whatever, and what your budget is likely to be. Then tell her.

She is being a bit unreasonable not to have worked much of this out for herself, but maybe she is frightened that she is going to lose the friendship, or something.

This is more about her being the centre of the universe than her being single and not having kids , I have some brilliant single and childless friends and they "get" he fact I can't just drop everything for a wild night out . They do understand the commitments I now have and they accommodate it .

Does she ever just come to your house for a takeaway and a bottle of wine ?
My social life is pretty much that and my friends understand .

The OP gave loads of reasons for not going:

Three children, one six months old and breast fed, busy home life with lots of demands on her and her DH's time.

Busy life with full time jobs and bills to pay that take up her time and money.

Wants and needs to spend time at home with her family after being at work all week.

Is already going to three other birthday events with this friend and wasn't asked about this one, which will cost her about £100 on top of whatever she spent/spends at the other three (£30 share of taxi, £15 for tickets, cost of a posh meal and drinks).

Has said she is utterly skint and knackered.

Friend has cats bum mouthed at her for being busy and skint in the past, called her boring and picked on her about her appearance.

Friend has already been told OP couldn't afford to do a gig in February but has gone ahead and bought tickets for this one anyway.

OP was being a bit unreasonable to lie and make up 'plans' but as I said in my other post, plans don't just have to be the exciting going out type, they can be that she has plans to spend time with her family doing what needs to be done.

OP is going out with her friend at other times for her birthday so she can leave the baby.

Being tired, and wanting to spend the time with family etc are all valid reasons, so I don't see why OP can't use them instead of saying that she has plans when she doesn't. I know those things can count as plans but that's clearly not what the op meant. It would be much better for the friendship if op talked to her friend and told the truth, rather than making her friend feel like she is being blown off or lied to.

It sounds like this is possibly a bit about mismatched communication styles. From what you've posted (which isn't much, so this is quite presumptuous) it sound like she's very up front and direct, a don't ask and you won't get type of person, while you sound like you're more the sort to try to use social cues and convention to get a message across/understand the situation. Neither is wrong but it can be very frustrating for both sides when the two types are at cross purposes.

You are dropping hints and avoiding telling her out right when it's too much for you (the explaining to her "gently" and this time saying you have plans when you don't). From your perspective she should get the hint, adjust her understanding and stop being so rude. From her perspective (possibly) you never actually say you don't want to but you keep avoiding her. She may be just as annoyed as you.

Sounds like, as you say, she has no clue about your life, and really, I don't suppose I had a clue about what it was like to have children, until I had them.

As for her seeming unwillingness to listen adapt, and her little digs, I'd say that either she is a bit self absorbed, or unhappy about her own life.

Don't worry about the "having plans" lie - just call her and say "I don't really have plans; I just can't afford to commit to anything more this month. Our disposable income this month is 20p" - and tell her what it actually is. Maybe when she has the cold hard facts your problems/life will seem more real to her. It probably all seems a bit abstract to her.

She is right about the fleece thing though.

YANBU Can you sit her down again and talk to her? I had a few friends who dropped me once I had children and got boring. I really treasure the once who stuck around. They come over to mine and have a meal and a couple of bottles of wine, or do daytime stuff or the seaside with me and the DC as well as going out very very occasionally

Well I took your advice and told her that my plans are actually to collapse that night with tiredness. Lying will get me nowhere. No response yet.

She has zero interest in spending time with my DC's or at my house tbh, she doesn't like children. I have asked but she always makes an excuse. In fact our conversation automatically revolves around her much more interseting life. I feel bad for saying this though as she is my best friend.

Hassled I was up a mountain when wearing said fleece

So you are meant to be interested in her life but it's okay for her not to be interested in yours ?

She doesnt sound like much of a friend to me.

Genuine friends want to spend time with you regardless of your situation. She only wants to spend time with you if it is doing what she wants, when she wants and how she wants.

Not a "friendship" I would mourn the loss of tbh.

Are you sure she's your best friend? Could she just be the friend you have known the longest?

My best friend has no children and actively never wants to have children, but I can still chat away about my dc and my parenting dilemmas. Saying that though, we weren't as close when my dc were babies, because she had no possible way of having any concept of what my life was like and my world revolved around babies so I had no interest in her life. We drifted back together when I became more like myself again.

I think friendships go through tougher patches in the same way marriages do, and this could be happening here. You have done the right thing by being honest, although it would be better to have a real life conversation. That way, when you are back to having some life for yourself, you still have the friendship. As long as she is a real friend and is prepared to accept even if she doesn't understand.

Wow, your friend is rude, single or not. If I asked a friend to something, and they said they had plans, I would accept that and not question it, nothing to do with whether you have babies or are starting back at work. It's irrelevant, as you are not at her beck and call. I wouldn't have liked this level of demand when single, and I certainly wouldn't be beginning to accommodate it when a working mum with several children. You are happy to see her several times a month, that is more than enough.

And if she is uninterested in your children, or hanging out with your family, she sounds quite jealous/self-centred anyway.

I don't think this is about being single/childles though. I have two lovely single/child-free friends, and they both love coming and playing Auntie as well as having girly nights out or chats on the phone, plus they also both have busy lifes themselves and so I have to fit in with their plans, not the other way around. Your friend has rather taken advantage of your willingness to please and you not wanting to rock the boat. I think I'd stand your ground a bit and she can then decide whether to step up to the mark and be a better friend.

But if she genuinely isn't interested in children it would be pointless talking about them wot.

She just texted back to say how about tomorrow then. I'm going to have to meet her for lunch and tell her it's too much. It's really doing my head in.

What else should you wear up a mountain, other than a fleece? Whether you're a mum or not?

Kitchenroll-you make a lot of sense. I think we will drift back together when my dc's get older. I have been diagnosed with pnd but haven't told her because she doesn't 'get' mental illness (her words). The fact I don't want to tell her makes me think our rough patch is actually quite alot rougher than I thought.

Missm-goretex!

Ouch. Am forming a picture of her which says "superficial"