To think my best friend is really not getting the message about my DC/DH/House/Work/Socialising life balance?

[grumblinalong]

Just want to make clear I really really love my best friend. We have been friends for 30 years, since we were 4 years old. Her friendship means a great deal to me, I am fiercely loyal to her and wouldn't say a bad word about her to anyone in RL but I need to vent, she definitely doesn't come on MN and I need some objective advice from people who don't know either of us.

She refuses to understand that with 3 DC's (1 who is 6 months and still bf), a job, a mortgage to pay and a DH who works 12 hour days 5 days a week I can't have (nor do I want) the social life she does. She has no dc's, is single, works for herself and lives with her parents. Can I just state, I don't think either of us has a superior/better life, different strokes and all that. We are both happy with our lot.

I have just had a text from her saying 'Got us some tickets for X gig, for my birthday next month, cost £15 each plus taxi home.' The gig is in city 30 miles away so taxi between us will be £60. Plus she will want to eat beforehand. Probably posh.

Lovely I hear you all say. Well yes it would be apart from the fact that (a) I have already agreed to go to her official birthday do (b) we went out on Saturday and (c) we are going for a meal in 3 weeks . So that will be 3 sets of plans with her in 4 weeks. Also I go back to work that week from Mat Leave so will be knackered and we are utterly skint.

She has already passive aggressive catsbummed about me turning down another gig at the end of Feb (called me boring) so will kick off about me not going but I'm going to stand firm because I'm annoyed that she bought the tickets without asking me. AIBU? How can I tactfully tell her that I just can't fit in the level of social commitments she wants me to, see my DC's and DH, work, do housework and pay the bills without sounding like a twat? Now I've actually wrote that down I can see that I do, in fact, sound like a twat

If she hasn't noticed you are down, doesn't want to hear about your children (what do you mean uninterested, friends are usually interested in each other's lives, that's the whole point), and if you stand up for yourself she gets stroppy, you are right, this is a difficult patch in the friendship. Not many people could make a lunch date the next day, she's very demanding. I think you are right to say you can't do all this stuff, but I also think she will be very put out as she is not used to thinking about you and your needs and how to make your life easier.

grumblin it really sounds like this is a totally one-sided friendship, almost like you are there to serve her needs. She doesn't want to talk about your children, she doesn't respect your family commitments and you can't tell her about your PND as she doesn't "get" it (which basically means she couldn't be arsed to get it). I wonder if you're getting anything at all out of being her friend?

Wow, i felt guilty taking up an hour of my bf's time for a a chat and a cup of tea yesterday - she has one age 6m but dp works away. I went round and helped with bathtime, we haven't met up for over a month so were due a catch up. To me as the childless half of the friendship that's normal. She's a parent and that's more important!

YADNBU. Your friend needs to take into account that you've made different choices to her. Your life is no less interesting than hers and you shouldn't have to justify that because if she were a decent friend she'd just know.

As the childless friend i feel privileged to see my friend's baby grow and develop and am flattered to be trusted with something so precious for a cuddle.

She's not coming out of this very well, is she?

Can you stop texting, ring her up and make your point in a straightforward way?

That sounded really snipey - I tried to come back and expand on my comment but couldn't get on - my point is more that you've obviously moved on but she hasn't. The friends who dropped me did the same. One - who had been my bridesmaid -only ever talked about the gigs she'd been to and her latest conquests and stuff but didn't want to hear about my life, what I'd been up to with the DC. Our conversations became very one-sided. Like I said, the friends who stuck around don't have children but still take an interest in what I'm doing and if they don't want to spend time with me and DC they are always interested in hearing about them. Two way street.

It sounds rather like you've grown apart and yourlife has changed where as hers hasn't and she is having problems accepting that you've got other interests and a different life-style now.

Wow. I havent had pnd but i have had forms of depression before and even getting out the front door was an achievement. Not only do you have all your family/work commitments but you've managed to socialise at her beck and call. It sounds like you're trying to please everyone and keeping all the balls in the air.

A true friend would be trying to take the pressure off but it sounds like she is just another person whose needs have to be considered. I'd tell her about your pnd, explain you need downtime to rest, to manage the stressors in your life which doesnt always equal parties/blowouts. A real friend will step up to the plate.

I have a similar friend (though we are in our mid/late forties) - no children low mortgage, part-time job, does expensive trips around the world etc. And she is NOTHING like this, she is a true friend, she will come and see me (and DS) when she is in the area (we live about 60 miles away at the moment), if I can arrange for my mum to have DS we will go out somewhere cheap - cinema and cheapish meal. Sometimes we go down to visit her for the day which mostly revolves around DS playing in the local playground. She could afford to do more exciting things but she does what I can afford/manage, because she is my friend.

I think you also need to re-emphasise that you can't afford it repeatedly. Unless she is going to offer to pay then that will end her suggestions pretty swiftly.

I think the friendship is coming across as very one sided on her part, but I'm also get the feeling OP that you have always allowed her to be the 'leader' in the friendship if that makes sense. I'm getting the impression that you are the sort of person that generally goes with the flow and let's others people's wants come before your own. That's not a criticism by the way, or a way of blamimg you, just an observation that could be way off the mark!

If I am righ though, it would explain why your friend is just not getting that she needs to be supportive back to you now, because she has never had to do that with you before.

It's very sad that you have been able to tell the person you consider to be your best friend that you have pnd. She should be the person you can tell anything to without being judged even a tiny bit. I hope there are other people in your life that you can share it with and get support from. If not, that's what MN is for!

I never understand this tendancy to equate longevity with quality. She sounds very far removed from being a best friend. Rather self absorbed and disinterested in your life. I knew nothing of kids whilst single but was interested in how my friend was finding it all.

Like I said, she needs to aquire some basic manners.

I'm cringing here because years ago I was like your friend.
I was in my late teens /early twenties and didn't really grasp how the dynamics of our relationship had changed.
I was totally bewildered that my mate wouldn't'couldn't come out as much as she did before. I guess I was also jealous.

However 27 years later she is kid free and I still run round doing parent evenings/scout runs and she is saying ' fancy a weekend away!!''

However please stop wearing fleeces unless you are out on the hills!!

Grumblin, she is totally unreasonable.

I spent a lot of my 30's single and all my friends were married with kids but I still understood that they weren't available the way they used to be. I didn't sulk or resent them for it or call them boring or refuse to get to know their children.

You don't actually have to be in a situation to see what it involves. Any genuine friend with an eye in their head can see that Mothers are pulled in all directions with commitments and demands.

I always took the time to get to know their children. Babysitted to let them out. Joined in the occasional family activity and if someone came to a gig with me I treasured the experience as I knew and appreciated how precious that time was.

Don't let her cop out on the grounds that she doesn't understand. The truth is she doesn't want to understand. She will lose a lot of friends with her attitude. I am pregnant now and I am so glad I kept friends with my friends who are Mothers. I did so because I made the effort and was not deliberately blind to the fact that their lives had changed.

Call her out on it. Don't let her take out her resentment on you.

I think you outgrow a lot of clubbing, gigs etc when you beome a parent. Maybe the odd occasion but the big weekly all nighters etc no longer seem relevant. You get used to keeping the same sort of hours as your children so you survive! I remember a couple of years ago going on a residential course with some (younger and childless) people from work. DS1 stayed at home with DH and we hadn't had DS2 then. In the evening I was invited out with them and went. By 10pm they were just getting started drinking, dancing etc and I was literally nodding off. I made my excuses and went back to the hotel for a nice cuppa and bed :) The boot was on the other foot the next day though. I was up and ready for the 9:30am start no problem while they were nursing monster hangovers and whinging and whining. I don't know how they party like it's 1999 and they don't know how I can repeatedly get up at weekends! If straightforward explaining won't do it could be difficult to persuade your friend that things have changed.