About paying for half the deposit?

[salmonskinroll]

My partner works full time and earns a good wage (60k). I, on the other hand am self employed and currently earn about £600 a month as I haven't been taking proper wages yet, this will change soon.

We're moving into a flat soon and he wants me to pay half of the deposit and rent in advance, so about £1500 each. I cannot really afford this but I'm planning on asking my father for some help.

I've always paid my way and don't expect him to pay for me, we take it in turns to pay for food, nights out, holidays etc.

Aibu to think he should pay more than half considering he earns so much more?

It doesn't seem unreasonable at all for him to pay more, or even all of the deposit, in those circumstances. You could still pay half the rent but he can presumably afford the deposit more easily than you can. Personally I'd probably expect him to contribute more than half the general outgoings though considering his far greater income.

Where does he think you're going to get the money from? Does he just assume you'll ask your dad? Is he unaware of your financial situation?

If you weren't moving in with him would you have looked for something that would cost you less, or would you have asked your father for some help? If the former then you should just tell him "No, I can't afford it, we'll just have to look for somewhere within my budget if you want to go halves."

It's not necessarily unreasonable for him to want to split costs 50/50 (assuming no kids etc.), but it does mean the budget is dictated by the least well off person.

If you can't afford that but he is adamant you pay half then you have to live somewhere cheaper. If he doesn't want to, he'll have to pay more. Its that simple really. When you are in a committed partnership with someone, it can't be a 50/50 split if the earnings are that unequal.

Is this the first time of living together?

I'm guessing it is, and that you've yet to have the 'how will we split the domestic expenses' conversation yet. One query about one bill is a start, but you need to decide - together - how joint expenses will be handled, before more bills become due.

I agree with Edith, this is just the tip of the iceberg....

I would just tell him that at the moment you're not in a position to do that because you're not earning enough.

I presume he knows how little much you earn - where does he think your going to get the money? Doesnt really bode well I think for when you are both living together - does he want you to pay half the bills to for example?

I think this is a tricky one. Because in the early stages of a relationship you do sort of split things - but then as you go on, the finances all merge into one. It would seem ridiculous now we have dc for my dh to ask for 50% of everything. But I remember when we first moved in together we both paid half. How long have you been with him? I think it seems a little bit mean of him - but maybe he's just not got into that joint finances thing that comes when you've been with someone for donkeys years. Could your partner not lend it to you?

Presumably when you signed up for the flat it was obvious that your income was not going to cover half the rent each month, so did you discuss how you were going to pay for it?

Quite.

The mind boggles.

Do people not sit down and discuss these things properly before deciding to buy together?

I don't get it. What about other bills/ expenses/ what about suprise unexpected bills? Why about shopping/ fuel?

Yes we have discussed how we are going to split other things. He's going to pay all the rent £1200 a month and I'll pay the bills. That I'm ok with as I can afford that as my pay will increase soon. But this lump sum is hard for me. He knows how much I earn but says should pay half as it's a lot of money.

He said he had to take it out of his savings account (!). I cannot remember a time I had savings tbh

In your shoes I would want to contribute to the deposit. I like to pay my way.

In most relationships I have been in, we have gone 50/50 on things if oour earnings are in the same ball park, but otherwise paid in proportion to our incomes. The latter arrangement is what I now do with my husband.

That's the thing, I do want to contribute, but I cannot realistically. I like to pay my way to, and always have.

Does your partner actually know you can't afford it without asking your dad for help? I know you mentioned he's aware of what you earned but does he know how much of a problem it is for you to find this money?

If not, then could you talk to him about it and maybe work out some kind of repayment scheme with him. If he know's your having to borrow of your parents and still insists on your half upfront then I'd be having some rather frank conversations about finances before moving in tbh.

(please ignore the shocking grammar there!)

With such a large difference between your earnings, then I would think the percentages paid should be in proportion to your earnings.

Well the deposit will be held via one on the government backed deposit schemes, so it's just sitting there in much the same way as his savings are. He's paying the rent, so you shouldn't have to pay the month in advance as its rent.

I am a bit old fashioned but this doesn't sound a great way to start a partnership.

I will try looking at this like its two mates moving into a flat together rather than two people who want to spend their lives together as a couple.

I think I agree with ChocHobNob.

I don't contribute anything financially at present, and am not expected to pay half of anything because the money coming in is ours. Its always has been, even pre-kids. I'm not a sponge, there was a few years where DH couldn't work and I worked 3 jobs to pay everything, the same rule still applied. It was always ours.

I realise different people do things differently, but this 50/50 split isn't working for you is it? You're paying more than you can comfortably afford, and that isn't fair. On the flip side, if your partner wants to keep this 50/50 rule, it will mean that they have to compromise of their prefered standard of living because jointly (if split 50/50) its unaffordable.

You sound like a fair and decent person. Unfortunately, although you've not disrespected your partner in any way, they are coming across as a tightwad... what loving partner would see the person they loved struggle so?

I think you need to tackle this head on. This is the first of many problems. What happens when the bills rocket? Will you be dancing round the flat turning things off because you're worried about money (I do that anyway) whilst they sit back, relaxed because they can afford it?

Good advice aldiwhore thank you.

I do feel he is being a bit mean to be honest. And this has taken the excitement out of it for me. It feels more like a business transaction.

Yes he knows I cannot afford it without asking for help Nixea

It is a business transaction thought isnt it.

You are moving into an apartment you are jointly renting, both names are on the lease so you are both financially viable.

If you cant afford it you dont move in.

I cannot afford it on my own Trifle. Can most people afford a mortgage or rent on their own?

I think it depends on the stage of your relationship - if you're fairly casual boyfriend/girlfriend moving in together because it's more convenient than living separately, then it should probably be 50/50 as for any housemates. If you're married-in-all-but-name, it would make sense to have a more 'family money' type arrangement. Tricky if you're somewhere in between of course, you need to sit down and talk about all this, I think.

It is a business transaction though - yes it's romantic and exciting as well, but don't lose side of the business side of it. Will your names both be on the lease? Whatever arrangement you come to for the rent, it would be a good idea to have it in writing and signed by both of you, in case there's any problem or dispute in the future.

If he insists on a 50/50 split, you'd be quite reasonable to say you'll only move somewhere you can reasonably afford.