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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About paying for half the deposit?

73 replies

salmonskinroll · 12/01/2012 14:05

My partner works full time and earns a good wage (60k). I, on the other hand am self employed and currently earn about £600 a month as I haven't been taking proper wages yet, this will change soon.

We're moving into a flat soon and he wants me to pay half of the deposit and rent in advance, so about £1500 each. I cannot really afford this but I'm planning on asking my father for some help.

I've always paid my way and don't expect him to pay for me, we take it in turns to pay for food, nights out, holidays etc.

Aibu to think he should pay more than half considering he earns so much more?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 12/01/2012 22:32

Ah, sorry, I must have missed/misread that bit Imperial.

I think even paying half of the food bills could still be expensive.

salmon, you say you're still at home - I am wondering if you've ever lived away from home? I'm only asking because if you've not, or if you've only lived in places where your financial responsibilities are already set out clearly in a tenancy agreement (lots of shared houses I've been in are like this), you will need to sit down and pencil in some figures for bills so you get a sense of whether or not you can do it.

People on here are brilliant at giving estimates btw - if you asked roughly how much people spend on, say, electricity in a one-bed flat, you'll get enough responses and details to have some sense what the variation might be.

If your DP has been on 60k for a good while, it is possible he doesn't have the clearest idea either.

squeakytoy · 12/01/2012 22:41

OP, you say your money situation is temporary, so it would have made more sense really to wait until you are on a higher income, or you move into a cheaper rental that you can BOTH afford equally. It means he will have a lot more disposable income, but you are not married, you have no kids, so your money is your own rather than shared in my opinion. .

Bumblequeen · 12/01/2012 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

lesley33 · 12/01/2012 22:46

It does betray a certain meanness of spirit imo

ImperialBlether · 12/01/2012 23:46

God, if I was in the takeaway with a friend I wouldn't expect him/her to have something cheaper, never mind a boyfriend!

FetchezLaVache · 12/01/2012 23:52

Bumblequeen, is your (very) ex my (very) ex?? He earned 4 times what I did at one point, yet insisted that we split everything down the middle. When we went on holiday, he opened a spreadsheet and detailed every single cost, right down to sunscreen. It transpired that I had spent £6 more than he had, so he went and got three pound coins out of his wallet and solemnly handed them to me.

When we lived together, everything had to be 50-50. He would go through the Sainsbury's receipt with three different coloured marker pens- one for joint purchases, one for things just for him and the third for things just for me, and calculate the exact amount I owed him on that basis.

I just about managed to pay my strict 50% of everything until I had to take a pay cut, then I really struggled. VexP got a pay rise at about that time. Flatly refused my tearful request to be let off my share of the utility bills for three months so I could get my head above water, on the grounds that "I don't work as hard as I do in order to subsidise you". Considered that treating me to an Indian takeaway on a Friday night was going well above and beyond his responsibilities of financial support towards me. I could go on...

We didn't discuss how our finances would work before we moved in together- I just assumed, like a young loved-up eejit, that he would just naturally do the right thing by me and wouldn't want to see me struggle while he could easily afford to help me out. Ha!

redwineformethanks · 13/01/2012 13:29

Fetchezlavache - wow that is awful!

Abbicob · 13/01/2012 14:10

To be honest he sounds mean. It is a deposit and if you move out you get it back. At the end of the day if he has the money to pay the deposit and you don't, and it's the only way to get a place together then he should pay it. Then when you get it back he will retain it all so he has not lost anything?

Does not sound like a good basis for a relationship and seems a bit strange of him to be honesy

HipHopOpotomus · 13/01/2012 15:05

YANBU - I earn double that of DP. We tend to work finances out on roughly a "pro-rata to what we earn" basis. This leaves him with enough to have money in his pocket and feel happy. Obviously if my income was to drop he may have to pay more.

lesley that is awful about your friends DP going on holiday without her!!! How is he not an ex?

DP pays me his agreed 'share' each month and I organise all our family finances. He does the car stuff . I'm much better with money/bills/organisation than DP. So all family holidays etc are paid by me, but we are all equal.

fuzzynavel · 13/01/2012 15:09

YANBU - I also think he's mean, it's a trait I can't stand. You sure you want to move in with him OP?

HipHopOpotomus · 13/01/2012 15:09

alternatively you could suggest moving somewhere and living a lifestyle that YOU COULD AFFORD 50% of - see how he likes that?

lesley33 · 13/01/2012 15:12

hiphop - I don't understand why he is not an ex either tbh! I couldn't live like that

Diamondback · 13/01/2012 16:40

STOP! do not move in with this man - at least not yet.

Being equal in a partnership is not about paying equal amounts of money. Over the years I've come to realise, looking at other people's relationships, that in good relationships, each contributes according to what they earn (so if he earns 5 times more than you, he pays 5/6 of the rent and other bills, you pay 1/6), or all the money goes into a shared pot and - after bills are paid - you get equal spends.

When I was very young and naive, I was with a man who very much felt that I should pay half of everything, even though I earned a third of what he did. And it turned out to be true that people who are mean with money, are mean with everything.

How are you going to feel when he's spending loads on lovely treats for himself, while you lie awake trying to work out how to pay for a winter coat, because all your money has gone on your half of the bills?

Now I'm with a lovely man whe treats me as an equal in every way (and not just when I can pay my way). When we first got together, I was earning a lot more than him and I covered almost all the bills. Now that I'm a SAHM and getting a new career off the ground, and he earns a lot more, he pays all the bills. That's an equal partnership.

WeShouldOpenABar · 13/01/2012 16:56

I dont get this really because it is not in essence a bill , as long as you dont destroy the place he will get the whole amount back

ok if he pays it all he is taking on all the risk so why not offer to pay him any decrease in value of the deposit when you move out , or half of it ?

ImperialBlether · 13/01/2012 18:27

Arrgh just read this again and it's making me so angry!

OP, you sound too young to be thinking about living with a man like this. Wouldn't you like to live with friends your own age for a while?

You are going to feel permanently broke and resentful if you live with him.

LydiaWickham · 13/01/2012 18:31

I really don't think that it's terrible that Lesley's friend's DP went away without her, but then when DH and I first moved in together we did one 'big' summer holiday together, (I paid roughly half, he paid flights I paid hotels and that worked out as less than he paid), but then he also did a fortnight snowboarding trip to the US, I couldn't afford to go so didn't. He probably would have paid for me if I really wanted to go, and now we are married and have DS then of course our money is shared and we do 'family holidays' that in reality he's paid for, I don't see when you are living together unmarried without DCs that you should merge your finances or expect the other party to pay your way.

ImperialBlether · 13/01/2012 18:35

Lydia, that's a bit different from the situation the OP's in. He is bringing in six times her current salary. To pay for the deposit and first month's rent, she will have to take out a loan from her father - it's clear she won't be able to repay that in the near future. He has the money. The deposit would be returned in the future anyway, so he would get that back later. His idea was that he'd pay the rent, so why does the OP have to pay half of the first month's rent?

It's clear that she can't afford the standard of living that he can, yet he too wants them to live together. Is she to be the poor relation throughout the whole relationship?

QuintessentiallyShallow · 13/01/2012 18:37

Have you done your maths and estimated your bills?

Heatherhills · 17/01/2012 11:08

He is totally ripping you off!

Big red flag. Ffs dont get pregnant.

coppertop · 17/01/2012 11:24

I think you really need to sit down and work out how much the monthly bills are likely to come to. Not just the obvious ones like gas, electricity and council tax but the others too:

  • water (is the new place on a meter or is it a fixed yearly rate, for example)
  • TV licence
  • Phone(s) - especially if you want a landline
  • Internet connection
  • Home insurance (also, will you be expected to pay car insurance)

And what happens if the washing machine/television/fridge breaks down? Do the repairs count as bills or extras?

There's a lot to think about before moving in together and it's often the small details that can make the biggest difference.

tyler80 · 17/01/2012 11:41

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask if he could fund the deposit, it's not spending it as such.

I moved in with my OH quite early in the relationship, we split everything 50/50 but I paid the deposit because I had the money to do so. Totally separate issue to splitting the bills imo

Original poster
salmonskinroll · 17/01/2012 11:59

Thanks for all the advice. We had a talk, I told him I would prefer if we opened an account like an 'all in one pot' like you guys suggested. He thought it was a good idea. I think he was just anxious about that much money coming out of his account but he said I don't need to pay any of the deposit.

He said if I could pay for the tv, electricity and gas but if that goes over 100 a month then he will pick up the rest, which is good.

OP posts:
lesley33 · 17/01/2012 13:21

Thats good - sounds much fairer.

Lydia - My friend is married and has been for over 15 years. Yes they don't have dcs - but even without dcs I would never go off on a holiday and leave my dp at home because they couldn't afford the holiday.

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