About paying for half the deposit?

[salmonskinroll]

My partner works full time and earns a good wage (60k). I, on the other hand am self employed and currently earn about £600 a month as I haven't been taking proper wages yet, this will change soon.

We're moving into a flat soon and he wants me to pay half of the deposit and rent in advance, so about £1500 each. I cannot really afford this but I'm planning on asking my father for some help.

I've always paid my way and don't expect him to pay for me, we take it in turns to pay for food, nights out, holidays etc.

Aibu to think he should pay more than half considering he earns so much more?

Perhaps it depends a bit how long you've been together and whether you are both viewing this as a permanent relationship.

Money is a huge issue in relationships and I think it's vital you discuss money fully before moving in together.

In our case, we each pay in a proportion of our salaries to a joint account for bills and have our own current accounts too. This means that my DH earns more, pays more towards the bills, but also has a bit more spare cash for treats. That seems fair to us.

YANBU. You said upthread that he'll be paying the rent and you the bills, but in your OP he wants you to contribute to the first month's rent- bit of a red flag?

According to this salary calculator, he's bringing home nearly £3.5K a month, which means that even after he's paid the rent, he's still going to have an awful lot more disposable income than you. How much will you be earning once you start to take a proper wage?

I can understand you might want to be a bit closer to 50-50 in the early days, but this really doesn't seem terribly fair...

yanbu and think it would set a risky precedent for your relationship to not at least discuss the balance of finances and working within your budget before agreeing to move in. It would hardly be a good basis for a partnership otherwise.

Yabu to consider making a commitment to someone who is clearly tight as arseholes and has no intention of losing the single 'what's mine is mine attitude'.

I'd think seriously about what he is likely to be like in the future if you want to marry and have kids. There is no way I would commit myself to someone unwilling to start seeing things as ours rather than mine.

I actually think the whole set up isn't fair, his expenses are fixed, where as yours are variable, dependant on how both of you decide to live and subject to short notice change.

A much more reasonable arrangement would be to set up a joint account just for rent and bills, you both pay into that, and while his contribution should cover rent and yours bills, if the bills increase you are both responsible for finding the difference. It will allow you to plan (I'd aim to pay a little more in each month than you think you'll need too, that way you've got a bit of a cushion for big bills, eg. electricity and gas over cold winters compared to summer costs) and make him aware of what the true costs are, not just defaulting to you.

As for the rent and deposit split, you don't have the money, make it clear you don't have savings (FYI, you really need to start getting some of those) and why should you ask your dad?

Be warned, if you can't afford this place on your own but he can, if you split up, I would assume you would move out and he would keep it on, that would mean you'll find it very hard to get this deposit money back until he left.

Also, under your current (slightly odd) arrangement, if he's responsible for the rent, why on earth would the first month's rent be any different to the second months rent?

Realistically, you might need to accept you can't actually afford to move in together right now if he expects you to pay 50/50 like a flat share, in which case he can either get the flat on his own until you're able to move in, or you will have to continue to live separately until your income increases.

That said, I don't think it's a problem to have a paying your way attitude when you first live together as a couple, when I moved in with DH I was earning £17k a year, he was self employed earning between £80 - 100k. We split the rent 60/40 because he needed a second bedroom for an office and I could only afford to pay half of a 1 bed flat, but all other bills we paid 50/50. Obviously, when our relationship moved onto getting engaged and married, then having DC, we've moved away from the 'paying half' (appart from anything else, he's earning no where near that, and I'm earning a lot more so we're a bit more evenly matched) and pooled our resources, but when you are first starting living together, it doesn't make sense to completely pool resources and treat each other's money as "family money" until you know you can live together and are committed.

Don't move in with him if you can't afford it.

Have you not sat down together and decided how the finances will work?

I am of the 'one pot' school of thought but I know many aren't. But it should be fair. Rather than 50/50 £ value, it should be the same percentage of your incomes. Otherwise the one who earns the least is actually contributing far more of their money. And that isn't fair, is it?

Don't fool yourself. If you go into it like this, you go into it knowing that it is a 50/50 split, which will mean practically everything you earn will go into the family pot while he is left with loads of cash.

oh. I missed one of your posts. You have discussed it. Sorry.

Still think everything should be worked out on percentages though.

Including the deposit.

I was from the 'one pot' school until the ex spent the pot faster than I could fill it.

I'm now firmly on the side of financial independence. It's different if you have children together because one parent takes a hit in their career.

I would never commit to a scheme that was not planned and agreed beforehand. If you split up (extremely common) and he doesn't pay the rent are you liable for it?

Romance is dead in my house

If I were your father and you approached me for that loan, I would have to advise you to seriously consider moving in with someone who is tight, knows you're struggling and insists you struggle further.

The man you are involved with is not kind. He is not generous. He is not fair. His concern for his own money overrides his concern for you.

Please, please decide against this move. There are some lovely men out there - why spend your time with a man like that?

I agree with Imperial.

Sorry to hear that, Toothbrush (toothy? or do you prefer your Sunday name? )

Yes. The One Pot school of thought does rely on both parties being reasonable people who work together towards a common goal and are a team.

Sounds like your ex was a selfish arse.

He's paid the balance. It was 2500. He asked if I could contribute towards it, I agreed as I didn't want him to have to pay it all but I've been thinking about it a bit.

He will be paying more, as he's going to cover the rent, whereas I'll pay bills and we'll split food, chores etc

I think I'll give him 500 towards it as that's half the deposit, not a grand.

I think a talk is in order, thanks all and imperial. This thread makes him sound awful

If one of my children was earning £60,000 a year, I'd advise them to be wary of moving in with someone who earnt £600 a month. And visa-versa, I think there's too much possibility for imbalance in the relationship.

Are you living with parents at the moment or on your own OP?

Bills are a lot and it would be a good idea to have a thorough chat about the splitting of chores/cooking etc, it is amazing how quickly resentment builds over those, esp when the earnings are vastly different.

IMHO living with someone is hard, I didn't really like it for a long time and TBH if I had lived with DH before we got married, we wouldn't have got married

I got used to it in the end - still married.

My salary will improve soon, hopefully to 1500 a month youllbewaiting which is why we are moving now as I was waiting for it to go up first. He was happy to pay for the majority of stuff when we were planning in the meantime.

I'm still at home, yes

But, salmon, you will still be on less than half his wage. About a third, if your 1500 includes tax.

Do you really love this man? Is he really worth giving up your independence for?

Also, can I ask whether there's a big age gap?

Sorry if I am being harsh, but how are you partners?

I am going against the grain here, but I actually do have some sympathy with him. My ex expected me to pay more than half because I had the money to do it, and he told me he'd pay me back when he could afford it, and when my money was all gone, he couldn't afford it, which left me up shit creek without a paddle. Now I doubt someone on 60k a year and with savings is in the same situation, but I can understand him feeling he doesn't want to be taken for a fool.

What he should be doing is accepting he'll either have to give the extra money into the communal pot without expecting it back, because he wants to live with you and he wants to live somewhere nicer than you can afford, or he'll have to live somewhere cheaper that you can afford, or you're not ready to move in together.

If your salary is about to increase, I would really, really wait until then.

I am not excusing him at all, but I am trying to say that to me, it sounds as if the two of you have mis-matched ideas about what you're expecting a partnership to be - you seem very keen to over-stretch your budget and he seems very keen to keep his money close, and both of those concern me a bit since they're not positions from which I could see any easy compromise.

Btw, don't say if you don't want to, but do you know how much the bills are likely to be? I would think council tax plus heating plus water plus food plus TV license plus phone plus electricity could, if you are living somewhere expensive, be rather more than your current salary. If so, what will you do for the first few months?

I mean, if he's the sort of person who thinks nothing of doing the weekly shop in Waitrose and racking up 150 quid on it (seen it done, I'm not kidding, and with booze it's not hard in there!), then your food bill alone is more than your current wage. Is he going to realize that?

I think they are splitting the cost of food, though I agree with you, LRD. I can't see him on Smart Price food on that salary and with that attitude.

OP, why can't you at least stay put until you are more financially sound? Why the rush?

I am very into a one pot approach.

But I know many people are not. Have seen friends live with partners where partner has much more money than them and have done a % or split for bills, food and rent. They have ended up miserable as they can't afford to go anywhere or do anything while their partner has money for expensive clothes, meals, etc.

Actually one friend in this situation - her DP went on an exotic foreigh holiday while she didn't, stayed at home, as she couldn't afford it.

Most women do earn less than most men - lots of reasons for this. IMO either you live as more flat mates type set up - fine if you are not that committed. But if you are actually commited to each other it should be a true partnership. And perpetruating financial inequality in the relationship, imo doesn't fit with this.

Have you talked about dcs in the future? If you have, you need to know that he will not continue this type of financial set up when you have dcs.

BTW I do earn more than my partner and have for years. And that is fine. We both put what we have into the family and relationship - time and money.

The other thing is this.

He is on a fixed salary and will be paying a fixed rent.
You are on an uncertain salary and will be paying uncertain bills. That is really not fair and you need to be very careful before you go into a situation like that.